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Sunday Humour Page 3
Sunday Humour Page 3
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, yo u probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to20share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant
unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
38. Your friends love you anyway.
39 . Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
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Helpful Old Guys
I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.
I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife,
too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair,
big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Most old guys are helpful like that.
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The UK speaks
A Real Curio …
A tourist from Birmingham walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"
The owner replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."
The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster,
but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they
were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran,
he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"
"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric,
a couple of immigrants, a Poof, a Manchester United supporter, and anything French!"
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