Sunday Family Humour 7th February

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

A very special thank you to all contributors.

Pilots v Engineers

Thanks to John H.

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one, but never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny........... (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

Trains

Thanks to Ray

Some new train photos

Fantastic scenery

Google Presentation

Where's my car

Thanks to David H.

Google Presentation

Three little piggies

Thanks to Tony

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

' I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

' I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

' I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

' I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

' I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

' I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

' I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

' I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy

' I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

' Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

You're gonna LOVE me for this....

The third piggy says -

'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP

Thanks to Tony

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvtae come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the **** out of the lawyer and says

'Dae ye want me to stop,....or just slow doon?'

CREATIVE PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

Thanks to Ray

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

10. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, you stay here; I'll go on a head.

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me..

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

17. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

18. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

19. A backward poet writes inverse.

20. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

Icebergs

Thanks to Tony

This came from a Rig Manager

For Global Marine Drilling

In St. Johns , Newfoundland ...

They actually have to divert the path

Of these things away from the rig

By towing them with ships!

Anyway, in this particular case

The water was calm and

The sun was almost directly overhead

So that the diver was able to get into the water

And click this picture.

They estimated the weight at 300,000,000 tons.

Pretty Cool!! Pass it on

THE TITANIC DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE!!!!