GOP Senate Leader John Thune has announced his new revolutionary plan to secure peace in the Middle East. “It’s gonna be a giant moat,” said Mr. Thune in an interview. People have questioned where they would get the water for this moat. Thune had this to say, “A good portion of it will come from the Mediterranean, and only about 1,250 gallons of water will come from local wells.” Warmongering “humanitarians” seem to think taking a bit of water from local wells will “harm” the locals. Tom Elvis Jedusor from one of the local humanitarian charities had this to say, “Using 1,250 gallons of water from local wells would dry up many of the wells people in the region rely on to live.” 

When Thune was pressed on this he showed us that rearranged “Tom Elvis Jedusor” spells in French “Je suis Voldemort,” which translates to “I am Voldemort”. Personally, I would rather trust someone whose name “Senator John Randolph Thune” is rearranged into “Total rad person unjhne” than someone whose name can be rearranged to “I am Voldemort”.