1. Separate consequences from punishments. A punishment shuts your child's system down, meaning there is no learning opportunity. A consequence may not be something a child is thrilled to do, but creates a cause and effect feedback loop to learn through experience.

2. Classic time-outs as a punishment don’t work because young children often can’t handle the feeling that their parents want to sever connection. Furthermore, they don’t change behaviour.

3. We cannot protect our children from the consequences of their actions and expect them to learn.

4. Pretending to be happy all the time is too much pressure for parents and their kids. We all have a wide range of emotions and we have to learn to cope with, not ignore, them.

5. At any age, parents can handle behaviour challenges by having empathy for a child’s experience, acknowledging their feelings, having fair and just consequences, and most importantly, tolerating their disappointment. Moments of repair deepen the parent-child relationship and provide learning that can be applied to other circumstances.

6. In regards to spanking and physical punishment, Dr. Josh Sparrow says, “If the child is feeling pain, and feeling threatened, and scared of the person who caused the pain, they are not going to be open to what that person has to say about why there was a problem and how they can learn from it.”

Tips for Younger Children:

• Help your child learn the genuine power of an apology by apologizing yourself when you need to. Try something like, “When you did this, I got really upset and I yelled at you. I’m sorry. That must have felt scary. I know yelling doesn’t help and in the future I will try not to yell.”

• Though there are many different types of challenges, one really common one is wanting something so badly that just can’t be. Kids this age may tell a lie, cheat in a game or take something they really want. #1) Understand where your child is developmentally. This behaviour shows they can’t handle the reality of the situation or disappointment. #2) Connect empathetically. “I can see how much you wanted that and how hard it was to let it go.” #3) Give or allow a natural consequence. Make it right (return it, apologize, talk about how it made others feel). #4) Connect to future actions. “Will kids want to play with you if you play like this?”

Tips for Tweens and Teens:

• Take a minute to recognize the complexity of being an adolescent. So much going on, intense self-consciousness, awareness of self, body development, outside expectations and intense sexual drive (for teens).

• Figure out how to help your child feel held and connected while respecting their independence and need for a larger circle of influence.

• Sometimes we all back ourselves into a corner where we want to change course. In those cases, have enough time and enough calm before you change direction with your child. Find a support system with other adults raising teenagers.

• When you make an apology for losing your cool, try something like, “I thought about what happened and what I said or did and I feel badly about it. I think that I could have tried and done it differently and that’s what I am going to try and do from now on.” Focus on modeling the importance of humility and self-reflection, and rest assured that this will not undermine your authority.

• Show you care. #1) Stay up until they get home, pay attention to their moods and behaviors, get to know their friends' parents and surround them with a community of support. #2) Only pick consequences you can enforce. Make them just and fair. #3) Repair after a clash. Avoid withdrawing or giving the silent treatment. Repairs deepen the relationship you have with your child. #4) Include your adolescent in the plans. Come up with what feels reasonable together.

This article is taken from https://dralizapressman.substack.com/p/tips-i-love-discipline-22-03-18