Communicating with your child

What did you do at school today? Nothing. Nothing? Nothing much. You did nothing much all day long? I just don’t want to tell you!

How many times have you asked your child this question or a similar one and been frustrated by the lack of response? We often know that this isn’t really the question kids want to be asked at the end of the school day, indeed they rarely want to be asked anything at all, but we can’t always think of an alternative. Is there a better question or a better way to get our kids talking at the end of a long day?

One tip is to kick off the talking at the beginning of the day. Asking your child before school what they’re looking forward to or if there’s anything they’re worried about can start to become routine. It also helps to return to this conversation at the end of the day. 

Some alternative questions for the end of the day might be:

What was your favourite thing you did today?

What was difficult about today?

What's something you did you were proud of today?

Were there any times at school today when you helped someone or someone helped you?

Tell me something that made you laugh today.

If you could change one thing about your school, what would it be?

What are you looking forward to tomorrow?

Is there a question about your day you wish I’d ask you?

How and when we ask these questions makes a big difference. Directly off the bus is probably going to get a different response to asking around the dinner table. After a while, you’ll figure out which questions elicit the most meaningful responses. 

Sometimes we know when we need to hold back on the questions and just be there. 

Here are some tips for communication without the questions:

Be present. Just being there with no agenda can be enough. When conversation and feelings come up, even if they are uncomfortable, sit with them. You are modelling for your child that you can sit with uncomfortable feelings. This means avoiding judgement, lecturing and offering advice (unless it’s asked for). 

Listen. Make space for them to be heard and actively listen. You don’t have to be the first to talk or even to prove how understanding you can be. We need to take time to truly listen to our children. 

Know when to back off. Teenagers especially can smell our desperation a mile off. Read the signals and know when to let go. Connection is built over time. Maintain the emotional connection when you have it, let things go when you sense your child losing interest.

Stay calm. Regulate yourself before you engage with your child. Find your own way to vent your frustrations and try to bring calm and patience to your interactions with your child.