Building Resilience

Resilience has become a buzzword in parenting in the last ten years and with our experience of the pandemic and its restrictions, it’s something we deliberately and actively need to build in our children. 

‘Resilience is the capacity to rise above difficult circumstances, allowing our children to exist in this less-perfect world, while moving forward with confidence and optimism.’ Ken Ginsburg

Ken Ginsburg is a paediatrician specialising in adolescent development and he is the creator of the 7 C’s of resilience, a framework that identifies qualities that build resilience. These essential building blocks are based in the belief that young people live up or down to the expectations we set for them. As well as loving our children unconditionally, we should hold them to high expectations and these two fundamentals are at the root of resilience. Above all, modelling healthy resilience strategies to our children is more important than what we say to them.

Competence

Competence is the ability to be able to handle situations effectively and it is acquired through actual experience. Children can’t become competent without first developing a set of skills that allows them to trust their judgements, make responsible choices and face difficult situations. 

In thinking about your child’s competence, ask yourself:

Do I help my child focus on their strengths and build on them?

Do I notice what they do well or do I focus on their mistakes?

Do I communicate in a way that empowers my child to make their own decisions or do I undermine their sense of competence by giving him information in ways they can’t grasp? In other words, do I lecture them or do I facilitate their thinking?

Do I let them make safe mistakes so they have the opportunity to right themselves or do I try to protect them from every trip and fall? As I try to protect them, does my interference mistakenly send the message, “I don’t think you can handle this?”

Confidence

True confidence, the solid belief in one’s own abilities, is rooted in competence. Children gain confidence by demonstrating their competence in real situations. Confidence is not warm and fuzzy and being told you’re special. Children who experience their own competence and know they are safe and protected develop a deep-seated confidence that helps them face and cope with challenges.

In thinking about your child’s degree of confidence, consider the following questions:

Do I see the best in my child so they can see the best in themselves?

Do I clearly express that I expect the best qualities (not achievements but personal qualities, kindness, fairness, persistence etc.) in them?

Do I recognise when they have done right or well?

Do I praise honestly about specific achievements or do I give so much praise it stops being authentic?

Connection

Children with close ties to friends, family, school and community are more likely to have a solid sense of security that produces strong values and prevents them from seeking destructive alternatives. Family is the central force in any child’s life, but connections to educational, religious, sporting groups and so on can also increase a young person’s sense of belonging to a wider world and being safe within it.

Some questions to ponder when considering how connected your child is to family and the broader world include:

Do I build a sense of physical and emotional safety in my home?

Do I understand that the challenges my child will put me through on their path to independence are normal developmental phases or will I take them so personally that our relationship will be harmed?

Do I allow my child to have and express all types of emotions or do I suppress unpleasant feelings?

Character

Children need a fundamental sense of right and wrong to ensure they are prepared to make wise choices, contribute to the world, and become stable adults. Children with character enjoy a strong sense of self-worth and confidence. They are more comfortable sticking to their own values and demonstrating a caring attitude toward others.

Some questions to ask yourself include:

Do I help my child understand how their behaviours affect people in good and bad ways?

Am I helping my child to recognise themself as a caring person?

Do I allow my child to consider right versus wrong and look beyond immediate satisfaction or selfish needs?

Do I express how I think of others’ needs when I make decisions or take actions?

Contribution

It is a powerful lesson when children realise that the world is a better place because they are in it. Children who understand the importance of personal contribution gain a sense of purpose that can motivate them. They will not only take actions and make choices that improve the world, but they will also enhance their own competence, character, and sense of connection. Teens who contribute to their communities will be surrounded by reinforcing thank yous instead of the low expectations and condemnation so many teens endure.

Here are some things to consider:

Do I teach the important value of serving others?

Do I model generosity with my time and money?

Do I make it clear to my child that I believe they can improve the world?

Do I create opportunities for my child to contribute in a specific way?

Coping

Children who learn to cope effectively with stress are better prepared to overcome life’s challenges. The best protection against unsafe, worrisome behaviours may be a wide repertoire of positive, adaptive coping strategies.

Before we begin teaching children this repertoire of coping and stress-reduction skills, here are some basic questions to ask ourselves:

Do I model positive coping strategies consistently?

Do I allow my child enough time for imaginative play? Do I recognise that fantasy and play are children’s tools to solve problems?

Do I model the importance of caring for our bodies through good nutrition, exercise and sleep?

Do I create a family environment in which talking, listening and sharing is safe, comfortable and productive?

Control

When children realise that they can control the outcomes of their decisions and actions, they’re more likely to know that they have the ability to do what it takes to bounce back. On the other hand, if parents make all the decisions, children are denied opportunities to learn control. A child who feels “everything always happens to me” tends to become passive, pessimistic, or even depressed. They see control as external—whatever they do really doesn’t matter because they have no control of the outcome. But a resilient child knows that they have internal control. By their choices and actions, they determine the results. They know that they can make a difference, which further promotes their competence and confidence.

Some questions about control:

Do I help my child understand that most things happen as a direct result of someone’s actions and decisions?

Do I also help my child understand that they’re not responsible for some of the bad things in their life (e.g. parents’ divorce)?

Do I help my child to understand that no one can control all circumstances, but everyone can shift the odds by choosing positive or protective behaviours?

Do I reward demonstrated responsibility with increased privileges?

Click here to watch a video or Dr Ginsburg explaining the 7 C’s of Resilience

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMWqI6F_CyA