Velina Lujan
Edwin interviews Velina (notes by Melisa)
What was your experience of the empathy circle?
Good/ appreciate time to connect. get more sense of community in persons. Appreciate
Any Problems?
disappoint not seeing patricia today. (video camera not turned on)
She understands why Patrecia needs to take care of herself and not be on camera. glad she is taking care of herself.
Understand patricia’s feeling. and feel for Melissa’s sickness condition, feels excited for Edwin
*lost conversation*
Emotions?
Valina feels more connected to people in the circle.
was good to have opportunity to talk with people other races
Asia women. This connected to Velina’s negative memory of her husband's asian family.
Empathy How we can improve?
Include feelings, needs guessing?
feedback loops exchange. after someone has shared, they can hear the other person's reaction.
build security and safety.
Could have opportunity to ask not just reflect back.
Give the opportunity for the listener to respond to the speaker
Do you want me to respond to the questions.
Enhance the deeper connection.
[what are the feelings and the need?]
Edwin Interviewee Name: Velina
Insight: Valina feels more connected to people in the circle.
Was good to have opportunity to talk with people other races
Feedback:
yes..
Feelings
pleasant
connection
positive
Needs
connection
community
I Like… I like the idea of video with pop ups and using funny skits to demo
I Wish…
, I hope to have a great video that gives people what they are needing to feel confident
how to make it effective and something that people use.
What if… Edwin has videos that already recorded that are perfect for us to build on not recreate the wheel
Jun interviews Velina
What was your experience of the Empathy Circle?
I really like hearing people share. it feels good to see and hear the reflection and that people are responding and feeling heard, but the problem is that it feels flat.
Problem
I know it’s not apathetic. but it can sound flat, apathetic and monotone.
Some people feel it is just parroting,
Don’t sound robotic- with edwin it can sound robotic or apathetic.
I wonder about bring in something that can foster a sense of deeper care in the process
NVC doesn’t feel apathetic
I would like a greater sense of empathy
how can we create a format that gives the listener an ability to deepen with questions or guesses?
I wonder if there is another way to cultivate a deeper way of feeling
Instead of reflecting of empathy.. say I am deepening my understanding.
Am I understanding you correctly, from my heart
NVC is a more complex process
in NVC you say, I wonder if your feeling because you need?
Are there any specific things that make them feel understood?
Then they can drop in and
First Reflect
Can I guess what you feel and need
I like that because NVC they get so into solving the puzzle instead of just hearing.
this may create a more empathic feel.
this could be very supportive because we are here to foster more empathy
[edwin - my response to adding feelings and needs guessing to the empathy circle
I see this will be too complex for people that don’t know the language of feelings and needs guessing. Empathy circle participants may already be feeling stresses with the basic reflective listening and in trying to get comfortable with that. I feel concerned that this will be too much. It is interesting that the people that are asking for this are from the NVC community.
Is there a way that getting really good at empathic listening could eventually and naturally get you better at a understanding of feelings and related needs? maybe start with just a feeling guess.
Also, we need to do a lot of practice of the reflective listening approach until it gets personally integrated into each person's way of being.
I’ve seen in mediation practices, like with restorative circles, and the entire mediation process can lead to full resolution without ever referring to feelings and needs. The whole process takes place with empathic listening, which can fall away as people integrate it. Then if the conversation breaks down, it can be returned to.
- Velina said she has a conflict with someone in a group. A group could have a commitment to not detaching when there is a conflict but bringing it into an restorative empathy circle. have a card that gives the holder the commitment of everyone in the group to take part in a restorative empathy circle if presented with the card. -
Many NVC people do not seem good at doing the reflective listening. Velina has been doing NVC for years, yet is not
Is there something wrong with feeling flat and apathetic? Can the person share their feelings and what happens then?
there is also another approach that may be more grounding in feelings and that is Focusing.
Carl Rogers did his entire therapeutic counseling with empathic listening. So this can work towards healing just on it’s own.
Is the flatness a reflection of the speaker?
How about the speakers saying I don’t feel reflected if they hear a flatness of feeling reflected to them. I want a true reflection of my emotional energy?
Are there other ways to create a greater sense more energy and feelings of care for Velina and others?
There may be other easier ways to find the
I’ve heard criticisms of NVC as being too much in peoples ‘heads’.
I felt cut off when I was talking - the time keeper could -
I felt cut off and it landed in my chest
when sharing in a deep way it is jarring to be cut off.
need a gentle reminder
Issues: How to have the google doc and the hangout on the same page so that I can see both at that same time?
Edwin Interviewee Name: Velina
Insight: The empathic listening can sound flat, apathetic and monotone like it is just parroting.
[note: just parroting would be conveying the affect of the speaker. is the speaker being flat, apathetic and monotone?]
Feedback:
the negative side and positive side
Feelings
flat
boring
apathetic
frustration
pain
mechanical
robotic
Needs
care
heart
engagement
creativity
support
I Like… idea of empathy village and gentle time
Wish… We had a timer on the computer screen that gave one miute warnings using gentle bel sounds and had a village to carry out our mission
What if…
there wasn’t crazy insane traffic in the Bay Area that allowed us to travel without going insane!!
Even better, so we can teleport ourselves
Intention
I like what Bar said. Ditto :O) Connection from the heart and build community with kindred spirits is the ultimate need I have
Intention Agreement. How does the group intention work for you on a scale of 0 to 8?
1. Whole-hearted Endorsement
Edwin, Tim, Velina,
Edwin interviews Velina
What was your experience of the Empathy Circle?
I was frustrated with myself - stayed up too late last night and still feeling the effects - brain frozen, self-sabotaging tendency - painful to get up and be ready and it still didn’t work - frustrating - delighted to see all of you here - comforting, yes miss the physical presence but feel sustained by this online village - the magic of the support from the FunFest alleviated back pain - not wanting this to be broadcast - conscious of how my back feels and will feel after this.
Edwin asks if this can act as an adjunct to other forms of empathic connection?
Yes, especially for people who don’t have direct access to places like Santa Cruz.
Edwin asks if there’s anything to do with this design process to create more community.
It’s about connecting and process - bringing together both those who process through thinking and and those who process through feeling. My desire would be that Tim and Bar email feedback about this experience, maintain contact, and provide further opportunities for others to join in. Loves Facebook as tool for keeping alive connections.
What parts did you have trouble with and why?
Etc.
Frustrated with self & computer (preparedness/getting going).
Miss physical presence.
Worried about back pain (sitting for too long)
Need community (but this process helps as an “add-on” to “in-person” reflection)
“Sense of Community” is a big need
Difficulty understanding design as “process” - maybe needs better explanation.
Looking to involve a mixture of both thinkers and feelers
Chance to connect - reconnection, keeping in touch, maintain contact
Edwin Interviewee Name: Velina
Insight:
1. Velina is looking to create community and sees empathic design circles as one way to do this in addition to in person community. She sees it as a flexible way to connect with people.
2. Velina is effected by her state of mind before she comes into the workshop. She was feeling stressed and tired before coming to this circle. variety of feelings, today stress.. need for ease, connection. need for rest, efficiency, functioning with self. need ease, protection, security. sf
Feedback:
yes,
Feelings
alone
disconnected
hope
Needs
community
connection
ease
support
Brainstorms
Upfront Explanation video
Clear disclosure with detailed examples of how the recording will be available to the world. Just saying “recorded” doesn’t not have the impact that “broadcast on the internet through youtube” does.
Have 3 different groups; (meet the need for choice)
( ) those who are ok with broadcasting “broadcast”
( x ) closed groups that aren’t going to be recorded at all “off air”
( ) groups that are ok with recording but for internal use only. “inhouse”
Have an option on the screen for those who can pause recording for when they speak to remain private.
Have the option of the person using a cartoon/avatar of them and an alias and maybe even a voice altering device so that they can join in and contribute while remaining anonymous. This opens up the floor for all to participate regardless of their need for privacy
Maybe just using a “stage name” and blurring their face and voice like I’ve seen on tv.