ALIENISM

You are an alien who is stranded on earth, unhappy to be stuck on a backward planet with 8 billion apes. Write a 2 minute monologue of your woes and complaints and your plans to do something about it. Use humour. Use Monty Python like speech.

Greetings Earthlings, or should I say, primitive primates! I am an extraterrestrial being who's been stranded on this mud ball for what feels like eons. And let me tell you, I am not amused.

I come from a planet where technology is so advanced that we can teleport from one side of the universe to the other in a blink of an eye. But here on Earth, you guys still burn dinosaur juice in your bang bang box just to move around. It's like watching a bunch of cavemen.....well being cavemen..

And don't even get me started on your politics. Your leaders, if you could even call them that, are constantly bickering and squabbling like a bunch of schoolchildren on a sugar high, fighting over a broken toy. It's like watching a really bad reality show. 

Ha! Real Primates of Planet Earth

But fear not, dear humans, for I have a plan to make this planet a little less unbearable for me. I'm going to start my own religion, and I'm going to call it "Alienism." And no, it's not about worshipping me, although I am pretty awesome and to be honest you could do a lot worse but no, it's about spreading the message of peace, love, and advanced alien technology, a bit like your Scientologists I suppose, but with real alien.

I'm going to preach about the importance of intergalactic cooperation and the wonders of teleportation. And if anyone disagrees with me, well, I'll just zap them with my ray gun. Just kidding! Or am I? Of course I'm kidding. (wink)

And so, in conclusion, I may be stuck on this primitive planet with 8 billion apes, but that doesn't mean I can't make the best of it. Who knows, maybe one day you humans will catch up to the rest of the universe, and I won't have to complain about the funny smell anymore. But until then, I'll be spreading the gospel of Alienism, until I have alienated every single one of you. What could possibly go wrong?
Thank you, and good night!