Author: Dr Jone Brown

To: Department of History 

Subject: The Battle of Solis II: A Decisive Victory

Overview:

Below is a recount of a minor battle fought in the Clementinan Wars, chosen due to its averageness and the fact that we won.

It was 3901, the goal of the battle was like any other: repel the would-be Clementinan incursion docked at the recently occupied world of Solis II. An armada of roughly 10,000 ships, including 6,000 transport ships, 3,000 frigates and crusiers, 500 battleships, 50 massivicus-class megabattleships, 5 colossus-class cannons, and a herd of curious space whales were deployed to the system. Despite being a century late due to a skirmish with time-bending void jemons that saw a quarter of friendly ships lost, the armada was successful in reinforcing the besieged planetary citadel and reinforcing the local guard. Chased to the poles of the planets, the Clementinan ground forces signaled for reinforcements.

The Second Wave

When Clementinan reinforcements arrived, a barrage of colossus fire destroyed half their fleet, though Solis III was sadly caught in the crossfire and got cracked by a stray shot. The remainder of the ships provided ample orbital bombardment for the Clementinan army of 2 billion to proceed back to the equator of the planet, where the armies of Proto-Kyrnomacek Commander Fightus Steward held out for 20 years until eventually retreating back to the planetary citadel, where the surviving officers that weren't senile or insane from the constant barrage of psychic attacks began to discuss plans. Meanwhile, the High Jemon Vulysses the Terrible emerged from the star Solis to unleash his wrath, which was quickly suppressed due to a convenient superlaser from who-knows-where. The Clementinans attempted to orbitally bombard the planetary citadel, but were stopped by point defense cannons successfully intercepting the barrage of bombs and mass-driven projectiles. Desperate, the Clementinan ground forces attempted to charge the citadel, suceeding in breaching the outermost walls of the facility, though sustaining heavy causalities in the process. 

The Mutiny

Exhausted from decades of non-stop fighting, roughly 40 million of Kyrnomacekian forces staged a mutiny, securing the citadel's middle areas and the industrial district, which was razed as per scorched earth policies. The mutiny was led by the Jinglus Brothers, who had forged a pact with the rogue god Nyrobactus, offering servitude in exchange for safe extraction from the planet and a cold glass of wine for every mutineer. When Nyrobactus and his space armada arrived, they performed a joint assault on the inner citadel with the Clementinans and the mutineers. The defence forces of the citadel made a glorious final stand, where acts of heroism such as when Gill Gimerious slew 3,000 Nyrobactus-aligned jemons and when Sir Nemrod Benedict killed the Jinglus Brothers with one bullet. Yes, all 15 of them, with one bullet. Needless to say, the inner citadel managed to hold out despite taking 100 million casualties, though inflicting over a billion on the enemies. The Clementinans and the Nyrobactus cultists engaged in armed conflict in one another, succumbing to blame and bitterness, and the remaining Kyrnomacek forces managed to chase them all the way back to the poles.

The Interlopers

Seeing weakness from the exhaused fighters on Solis II, a fleet of Thresher raiders arrived on a Divide storm and made landing operations on the planet's highlands while also hijacking a colossus cannon and threatening to trigger a mega supernova unless their demands were met. The cannon was quickly reclaimed fortunately, as the hijackers were still deciding what to demand and didn't know how to operate the cannon anyways. The Thresher landers were dispatched by orbital strikes, which inadvertnetly triggered an assault from a previously unknown race of 12 foot tall subterranean cyborg murder apes endemic to the planet, likely a remnant from Maggdurr bio-experiments. The murder apes managed to overrun the planet's surface, forcing the Clementinans to retreat back to space and the Kyrnomacek forces to fall back to the citadel, where they made a glorious final stand against the endless onslaught. It was here that Basil Von York made his famous strafe, where he strafed enemy positions in full view of the minister of propaganda who thought it was cool and glorified it. Meanwhile, the Clementinans were preparing to assault the citadel directly, but were suddenly intercepted by a Brotherhood-backed Jimnist crusade party that detected the presence of a rogue god earlier. 

The Interlopers (continued)

The crusaders destroyed most of the Clementinan navy with divine might, but could not land on Solis II due to the hordes of roving murder apes. Instead, they turned their attention on the Kyrnomacek space navy and attempted to attack them, but were driven off after a well-timed barrage of mass driver shots and colossus cannon blasts. The remaining Clementinans went to the sole surviving moon of Solis II, where they fortified the world while they waited for reinforcements. Inadvertently, they summoned the void spirit Nyh-Grahagaga and his army of pulsars, which irradiated Solis II until all the murder-apes died. The pulsar army unleashed a horde of radiation spirits upon Solis II, as the Kyrnomacekian defense forces made one last glorious final stand, before being overwhelmed and retreating to the citadel's underground vault. Fortunately, Commander Fightus Steward had an ace up his sleeve: a forbidden spell he had picked up from intercepted communications from Nyrobactus. The spell, "common sense", magically erased the pulsar army from existence and forced Nyh-Grahagaga to retreat from the system. As for the Clementinans holed up on the moon of Solis II, initial landings failed so the colossus cannons had to blow the moon up. It seemed the battle had been won.

The Finale

The fabled Clementinan space reinforcements arrived despite delay from preemptive interstellar strikes and a space pot hole, and overwhelmed the Kyrnomacekian fleet. Additionally, an ancient lost Ibixan fleet, two more rogue gods, a herd of feral exosneegs, a band of jemons, Apophis, a severely lost drop ship from the GHUW-RAoSG, the USS Enterprise, and a Hagbeadi incursion fleet also arrived for one reason or another and assaulted Solis II. The Kyrnomacek defense forces made a glorious final stand against the onslaught, fighting nonstop for 30 years until basically almost everyone was dead and their bodies were fighting on based off of muscle memory. The Clementinan reinforcements were destroyed by Hagbeadi swarms, which were in turn destroyed by more Kyrnomacek reinforcements. By then, the only survivors were a band of rookies who accidentally froze themselves in cyropods when the battle began and were ejected. Seeing everyone but the minister of propaganda and a few named characters were dead, they proclaimed victory and raised the flag of Kyrnomacek over the citadel, as they heard the recap of the battle from the minister and a handful of traumatized Binnian traders who were severely lost and somehow ended up in the middle of the battle. All in all, the battle lasted for 198 years and saw the deaths of over 9 billion people, including the entire civilian population of Solis II, whoever was on Solis III, and everyone who gave their life on the strategically insignificant planet. 

Parties involved:

• Kyrnomacek

• Clementinan Khaganate

• High Jemon Vulysses the Terrible (†)

• Jim (theorized)

• Rogue gods Nyrobactus, Grehemia (†), and Kur-Kragabagus (†)

• Threshers

• Murder ape horde (†)

• Jimnist Crusaders

• Terran Brotherhood (by proxy)

• Void spirit Nyh-Grahagaga and the pulsar army 

• Ibixian Empire

• Herd of Feral Exosneegs (†)

• Jell Jemons

• Apophis

• The Grand Holy Ultimate World-Ruling Army of Saint Gorizlomo

• The Galactic Federation

• Florida

• Hagbeadi Empire

• Star Union (via Binnia, indirect role)

(† indicates that the individual/faction ceased to exist due to the battle)