Grygic Reviews

Humanity, a review:

2/10 

To my knowledge, two convergently-evolved species lay claim to the title of “humanity”: a variety in the galactic east and another in the west, only difference between the two is that one has a slightly higher reality manipulation score than the others. They are a barbaric race who constantly try to subjugate or destroy one another for arbitrary reasons, and they do this on an interstellar scale now. They claim to be made in the image of the divine, but act anything like. It is a miracle how they haven’t annihilated themselves yet. Worst of all: they’re proud of it. “Purge the xenos and their actual decency”, yeah no thanks.

Dwarfkind, a review:

8/10 

At first glance, one may assume dwarves are simply humans but shorter, a bluntly accurate description until you really dig into their culture and ways. I've met a lot of dwarves, and they make up for their height with their dedication to digging holes and extracting resources. I'm not a geologist, which might be why I am perpetually perplexed every time a dwarf licks a counter and goes "hmm, tastes like hornfels with a side of biotite". I respect the drive, but two points had to be deducted for their seemingly universal insistence on getting wasted whenever operating heavy machinery (or any machinery, for that matter). Other than that, cudos to dwarves. 

Hagbeadi, a review:

4/10 

Ever met a reasonable Hagbeadi? Yeah, me neither. They are awful jury-rigged masses of biomass hastily churned out to seek more biomass and conquer new territories, all while the top castes of their kind laugh at everything while drinking whatever their equivalent of whiskey is. Honestly, I don't see why they need to do anything at all, they insist on building overly large armies to one-up everyone, but all their competition keeps shooting themselves in the foot beforehand. Visiting Hagbeadi-occupied worlds is an interesting experience though, assuming the local population hasn't been converted to fuel or enslaved, the Hagbeadi overlords actually make efforts to pacify the population by bothering to flavor their soylent, something I have yet to see anywhere else. Just don't ask where the flavoring comes from, though. I rate the Hagbeadi two points higher than humanity because they're at least subtle when metaphysically expanding and they make good lasagna, but other than that, don't bother.

Binkind, a review:

7/10 

Whenever I remember my days of hustling Binnian media during my odd years, two words come to mind when I think of their species: weird communication. To date, not even those of them that I've met know how their civilization is able to communicate across the galaxy faster than light without Gergic flip-floppers yet remain blissfully unaware of the Gergs themselves. Clearly this technology has existed for a long time though, I see it in museums and in my pocket because I own a Binnian-made phone. No, I have not attempted to reverse-engineer it, I'm not smart. 

As for an actual review of Binnians, I must say, they are more modest and polite than humans, despite living under their boot in the so-called "Star Union". I feel almost bad comparing the two clearly distinct species, but I need a common basis to go off of. Binnians have a proud history, from ruling the galaxy to needing to be saved from themselves by a mentally unstable robot all the way from the (late) Terra. Maybe they'll rule the worlds again, I'd almost like to see it happen, but its about as likely as a sneeg passing through a needle. 

Sneegs, a review:

10/10

Hell yeah, big worms! I know they come in a bunch of different flavors, but they're all big worms so it doesn't matter. Shame they're associated with the Sneegus Ewus, but I'll ignore them for the sake of the review. Until then, hell yeah to big worms!

Marrites, a review:

6.5/10 

If you recall what I said about Binns having a diminished presence, then know that the Marrites are in the same boat. The legends says they used to have a rather large polity based in "Andromeda", but actually headquartered on some random island somewhere. Now, you'd be lucky to find Marrites in Marrite communities, but they're not exactly subtle folk, with the four arms and all. I'll have to give it to the Marrites for their persistence and lack of annoying behavior, but their fall from grace paved the way to domination from less favorable groups, like humans and the Hagbeadi. Also, Jing and Gaiom were members of their ranks, so that is also a downside. Overall, good folk with disappointing recent history.

Snorxes, a review:

6/10 

In a nutshell, they hate normal environments. They live on asteroids and planets without atmospheres, do not care for crushing gravity or lack thereof, and like it that way. In fact, they seem to be outright allergic to normal planets with things like air and life. Its too hot and humid, they say, as if you didn't just come from a planet of boiling water. 

They also hate people. No reason, they just do. They like their own little isolated communities and only venture out to complain. If you get their trust though, then they will treat you to many great aspects of Snorx hospitality, such as blankets made from space sheep wool and nutrient powder. Since space sheep need wool that will insulate their bodies from the vacuum of space, their wool is thick and comfortable, much better than the synthetic stuff you get everywhere else. Nutrient powder confuses me though, since I don't know whether to eat it or inhale it. Both ways are apparently incorrect, but if someone does know, please let me know.

The MG System, a review:
6/10

The MG System feels like a graveyard for empires. The Ancient Binnian Empire, the old Terran Civilizations, rogue Binnian fleets, and the Clementinan Khaganate among others have all attempted to claim footholds in the star system with varying failure. Evidence of the few cultures that lasted longer than a century still remain, from the old Olympian settlement probes in the smoldering ruins of planet MG-2 to the towering monolith on the south pole of MG-4. Its like an archeologist's dream, but I'm not an archeologist. 

Most of the system's population seems to be concentrated in the lowlands of MG-4, a starkly red planet known for its ancient cities and connection to the essence of time itself, a myth I do not believe is true. Despite this, the system's government is nomadic, moving from planet to planet whenever they feel like it. I understand not wanting to settle MG-4, the place is overrated, filled with overpriced trinkets and these god awful "Jericho Trumpets" that are used excessively whenever I'm caught in a space traffic jam. My favorite world is an unnamed moon orbiting MG-5, primarily because it has good ice and MG-5 is better to look at in the sky than plain black star-spangled space. Hate that planet-sized black orb floating around the system though, its only spoken in hushed tones and gives me the creeps.

The Isoteria System, a review:
0/10

Entire star system is a shithole that changes into a different kind of shithole depending on where you go. Want to be burned alive from the acid in the atmosphere while rotting in a literal sewer? Go to Hybonon. Want to contract tetanus just from seeking shade in the hot as fuck desert? Go to Multon. Want to live like a literal rodent? Go to Nesm. The Isoteria System truly has something horrible for everyone, and the best part is that nobody knows how to use any technology left behind in the system, so not only are you unable to improve your quality of life, nobody else can either. I immediately regretted landing on Hybonon when I was asked which sewer I wanted to take to the apparent tourist center of the planet, like anyone would want to come here willingly. After a quick analysis of the system, I realized that 99% of all tax money was going to Multonland instead of, I dunno, the comically impoverished rest of the system?

To make things worse, the outer most, resource rich worlds in Isoteria was taken over by the Hagbeadi who refuse to put the rest of the system out of its misery because its such an overly pitiful site. There is virtually no defense force in the system because the administration knows that nobody would even bother with such a strategically insignificant, backwater piece of shit that would genuinely be better off a Hagbeadi tributary. I genuinely hate this place and pray day and night for the poor souls who are stuck here. As for other travelers who get stuck here at Isoteria? Coming here was your own fault, just as having such an unpleasant visit was mine. I can't even think of a snarky remark to terminate this review, just... don't go here. 

The Xe'cury System: a review:

4.5/10

Navigating both the Divide and the Gergosphere was something I only wish on my worst enemies, dodging storms, barbarians, and border patrols like a bullet hell game. In the heart of the Divide lies the Xe'cury System, where the Threshers are said to come from. They're still there, I can tell you. Since Threshers are almost as xenophobic as a human with an accent, I made sure to keep my head down, though my long neck gave me some leniency. Whole system relied on nuclear power, fitting since the constant Divide storms kept blocking the sun and Threshers descend from roaches who colonized the system back in the day.

What can I say about the system? Xe'cury I was closed off for visitors and I didn't like the look of Xe'cury III, so the odd planet between them was where I stopped off. You could tell the place didn't get many tourists, since folks in their homes would close their blinds and click what I presume to be nasty remarks to one another. There was a gift shop on-world though, where I purchased an overpriced shell shirt that didn't fit me because I don't have a shell. It's currently hanging on my wall because it looks neat. The world itself climate-wise was cool, but not cold, maintaining a delicate balance between its thick atmosphere and pitifully low amounts of sunlight. It had two moons that push tides of dust around in large storms that occur on a regular basis. "Oh, its five o'clock, almost dust storm time". You would think space travel would be affected, but its not. Actually, how did the Threshers even invent space travel anyways, given their average IQ of 75? I am genuinely curious.

The Baulton System: a review:

-3/10

Holy FUCKING SHIT PLEASE STOP BANGING DRUMS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT!!!!!

Hyperbrasil: a review:

7.8/10

While messing around on MG-4, I met members of a trading convoy from "Hyperbrasil". I said I had never heard of such a place but was willing to learn more, so they gave me a general rundown. I wasn't satisfied though, and went in their general direction after leaving MG until I got to Hyperbrasil. As if Brasil wasn't extravagant enough. 

In a general rundown, most of the system's population and economy seemed to be concentrated around a gas giant referred to as "Kepule". It was a blue place, what can I say? Out of all its many cool quirky moons, only two had any population. Tandua seemed to be a hotspot for trading, though I must caution against purchasing overpriced lobster goods or anything in general. Terrisus was a bit less joyful with its lack of atmosphere (figuratively and literally), but it's main population consisted of dwarves, so that makes up for things. Then we got to Tellus, which surprisingly was its own body and not a moon. There, I was treated to humidity and trees. I feel like I'd have a more positive opinion of the place if it weren't from the trauma of visiting Hybonon. The fully spacefaring folk of Hyperbrasil were weary of foreigners like me for some reason, so I made quick business when refueling my ship. They liked scrap metal though, so word of my private collection of iron appeased them enough.

Of course I couldn't ignore visiting Yama, despite persistent warnings from virtually everyone I encountered. When translating electromagnetic waves from the moon and getting the typical microwave-sounding noise you hear from genuinely inhospitable worlds, I knew I was in for a treat. Clearly I haven't learned from Isoteria and had to be treated for radiation poisoning after leaving, but hey, it made for good bragging rights. 

Overall a decent system if you love yourself enough not to do stupid things. I had to detract a couple points due to the system possessing some of MG's unfortunate trumpets and for declining me the unalienable right of free blue lobsters. Sure I could've got some myself, but why bother?

The Algol System: a review:

0/10

Why the hell did I come here? Now every time I buy something, a grotesque jemon appears next to me and barters whatever I had just bought for my soul. I call her Pimple because she embarrasses me whenever she manifests in public. 

The Venvi System: a review:

7/10

Venvi is unique in many ways, all of which I find strange. Despite being an isolated island of habitability and stability in the batshit insane Gergosphere, everyone is depressed. I mean literally everyone. I recall ringing a doorbell belonging to a colleague living in the system and witnessing said doorbell commit suicide on the spot after playing the most pathetic jingle I have ever heard. If I had to describe the system, think Hyperbrasil but moody. Moody everywhere except maybe Cutos, because they're quite Gerg and therefore hard to read. 

As for goods and services in Venvi, they were actually quite nice. I didn't need to arm my ship or hire mercenaries when traveling. Spaces were cleaner than even most inner Star Union places, and I don't recall having to put Zatch traps anywhere. Even the food was good, which is something that is not usually applicable considering everyone lives off of soylent and whiskey these days. I am aware the Venvi governing body is part of a very ancient Terran civilization and therefore have had time to learn from past mistakes and innovate despite being more depressed than a cartoon cardboard cutout left in a rainy alleyway. 

The Venterian System: a review:

8/10

The Venterian System is a key place in Neopolis, one of the most glorified buffer states. The entire galactic south is where the Threshers and everyone else go to fight, while the north is where you go to mine asteroids and die of radiation poisoning. The Venterian System was fine in comparison however, they've rebuilt after civil war terror bombing campaigns and built better buildings. Loved the architecture, hate the accents. Everyone speaks in a heavy accent and I keep getting confused whenever someone asks me if I want "cghanjge". I still have yet to decipher this word despite having an AI I won at an auction work on it 24/7. Overall its great if you don't have to talk to anyone.

The Seimorian System: a review:

3/10

Only came here on a dare. A completely backwater system, Seimoria recently made headlines in academic journals for having a really cold second planet. The Snorxes there love it, I didn't. There is nothing there, so much so that the local governor is always drunk because there is simply nothing else to do but get wasted. I got so bored here I began browsing the asteroids here so I can name them, so I hope everyone makes a pilgrimage to Grygonland and its moon, a coffee cup I accidentally dropped from my ship. I did meet a hermit on one of these asteroids, quiet guy who prefers to play board games with himself and throw rocks around his asteroid. He's better for checkers than for talking, but that's enough for me to have his flip-flop number just in case. Other than that, don't go here unless you're a Snorx who likes to get bored. 

Also, you now owe me 20 credits, Jango.

The Szuglo System: a review:

5/10

If you think about it, Szuglo caters to both dwarves and history nerds. Szuglo is a baclwater mining system, yet it was where the Neopolian Civil War started. You can still find roidocratic mining drones drifting around aimlessly as their batteries die. But I didn't come here to watch drones go crazy in the void, I came here to find the Szuglo Stalkers. Going to the planetoid where they were supposedly located, I encountered a long line of tourists at the gift shop here for the same thing. A few tourists recognized me though and I had to "accidentally" flee into the zone of the dwarf planet where the stalkers supposedly lived. Unfortunately, they were too elusive for me and I had to turn back to the gift shop, where I bought a T-shirt and left. Disappointing, but at least I found a cool rock there.

Interstellar Transportation, a review:

6/10 (on average)

As an owner of a private space vessel with Jell capabilities, I must say I rarely have to use public transportation. When I do however, I'm very picky with what brands I pick. In the Gergosphere, Efex operates prettly much everywhere that isn't a warzone, meaning literally nowhere except Kyrnomacek and sometimes Neopolis depending on my horoscope. Apparently they can't afford private armies or mercenaries, but the onboard food is good. Just remember to bring a weapon just in case. Elsewhere, your best bet are varyingly shady armed convoys that either charge too much or too little. Travel into Hagbeadi or Calor territory is always a no-go.

The ILTH is a bit more diverse and not as unsafe, but they're all either low quality (gotta maximize trade money) or True ISVs, meaning I would have to arbitrarily waste a bajillion years trying to get to Glorp Glorp III from Glorp Glorp II. Never had to use public services in the Star Union because I don't need them there. Meanwhile, interplanetary transportation in Hyperbrasil is actually not so bad since all the scrap metal goes to the scrappers ASAP, but typically travel to certain places is only available in certain windows. I was lucky to even catch the asteroid mining ships that pass by the Bilth Belt, disguising myself as a shelf and stowing away before jumping into an escape pod when nobody was looking. Why did I go there? To write this review without anyone looking. 

All in all, quality depends on where you are. I'd say services are probably best in Neopolis because they put on wide brim hats and play cool cowboy music every so often. Do not use the bathroom though, usually its just a wooden seat with several unknown species of fungi growing on the inside.

Jimnism, a review:

4/10 

Look, I understand religion, you gotta find purpose in such a bleak existence as our own. I don't mind what you worship as long as you don't shove it down my throat, I myself am a bit of a religious mutt. However, Jimnism is a bit of an oddity to me. I know this is gonna offend some Brotherhood media agent, but hear me out.

Founded on ancient Terra as a following of the late Farmer Jim (who was ironically an atheist despite working alongside literal gods), Jimnism was the primary faith on Terra and continues to be prevalent across the galaxy, primarily among wart farmers, Hyperbrasilians, wackjob crusaders, and the Terran Brotherhood. This is where things get weird: why do they always draw Jim with a crown when he clearly wore a cool farmer hat (and sometimes a wizard hat)? I've looked through old historical archives, talked with historians and Jimnist priests, and they all agree that Jim historically was a connoisseur of wide-brim hats. Yet in three out of four religious murals I see, he wears this weird crown made out of gold, corn, barley, or just straight up crown. A crown made of crown? Really?

Another thing I'd like to nitpick is the insistence of farming stuff despite most planets not even being able to support jagger fungus. I mean, sure, its tradition and Jim was a farmer and all, but surely times change, right? You don't see me trying to grow potato on the lengthwise poles of New Burgundy, right? Follow my example because clearly I know better than a millennium long custom. I dunno if I'm even being sarcastic or not. Case in point: Jimnism is weird, but good food though.