Emily Kelley

In Between World
Emily Kelley

I don’t want to get out of the car. 

The lights are blinking, blinking, blinking

A switchboard of all my emotions displayed before me

My hand slides the gear(I need a manicure bad)

And the P lights up orange

 A sigh is yanked out of me by the movement.

All I think of is you,

Of you of you of you,

My day to day is so cold and empty with you so far.

I don’t want to go inside, 

To step out of the car into the cold November air,

Where all my emptiness can grow and surround and engulf me.

It could become the stars I take comfort in, 

It could fill every possible bit of good space until there’s nothing left.

I want to stay in this in between world,

My boxy car,

Locked in, buckled in,

This in between world,

Wedged in between happy and sad,

Because it’s even worse now

Because sometimes I’m sunshine,

And then a torrential monsoon floods away all the light,

And I’m left without you nearby

And long phone calls and texts will have to do

Even though I would kill to hear you laugh

Clear and crystalline,

To hear it echo against the space where I am,

But this is long distance

But at least I can take the in between world

Because in that place at least you are there.

 I drive past the church that usually is never lit

And I notice its beautiful yellow hues

Peeking through the glass windows

And I find it so beautiful.

I am the opposite of that church now

When I used to notice my beautiful glow constantly

I’m now in darkness 

Because your light isn’t here to shine through me.

A wicked, horrible reverse that I hate

And it hates me back and is lonely along with me

And all the best parts of me are somehow tainted

Lifted only by my own appreciation

And the realization 

That Christmas break is fast approaching

But still the dread is encroaching.

I don’t love my hair anymore

Because you aren’t there to run your fingers through it.

I hate my hands because they haven’t held yours in so long.

And my eyes have lost their amber sparkle

They look so dead and black

And I hate the sad face in the mirror

And I paint on Miss Sunshine Monday-Friday, 7-5,

And I wait to shift my gear into park and release the floodgates.

 I take care of everyone but me

Miss Sunshine never cries

Team captain always shines

Honor Society officer is a lie

I feel like a deflated version of me,

Screaming fighting clawing crying swearing

Because the new toilet paper roll won’t pull

Once I leave my in between world.