There are many styles of psychotherapy - like different kinds of kung fu. The book that I got most from is called "It's Not Always Depression" by Hilary Jacobs Hendel, and she is part of a newer style of psychotherapy called AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy). A few decades ago there is a mainstream practice called CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) which is gradually being taken over by newer styles.

Humans are social creatures and crave connection/attachment. We sometimes see people (and ourselves) doing things that are harmful to the relationships but just can't seem to get out of those behaviours - that's the point where people might seek help to make changes. The old way is to do it cognitively but that is starting to become outmoded, because most people already know what they should do, but knowing it doesn't mean they can do it (that's a gross generalisation of CBT). The AEDP way of understanding is that all of these potentially harmful and uncontrollable behaviours stem from some sort of defense mechanism learnt in the past. This defense mechanism bypasses the cognitive rational part of the brain circuit (the left brain) and belongs more to the reactive emotional part (the right brain). Therefore to address the issues we must connect with the right brain via emotions.

Defense mechanisms stem from a natural reflex against being hurt. To lay down these old defenses, the natural way might be repeated exposures over a lifetime to safe environment, but that takes a lifetime (if that lifetime is surrounded by safe people). The accelerated part of AEDP is to go to the past where the fear first arose - a psychological trauma - and to give it validation to soothe the emotion, and then follow the emotion through to its natural expression; in other words, teaching the body to self-regulate in the face of intense emotions, instead of putting up an automatic defense that shuts out everything.

For example, let's say Tom's parents divorced when he's very young. The abrupt disappearance of the father was overwhelmingly sad for little Tom, not knowing how to deal with that level of sadness and with no one able to help at the time, the body shut it away so as to not deal with it. The shutting off was done by inhibitory emotions such as shame and anxiety, which drowns out the sadness and replaces it with 'father must have left because I was bad. If I had been good, mother and father wouldn't have argued so much' (shame) and 'I must not allow myself to cause further anguish to mother. What if she also thinks I'm bad? Will she also abandon me? Will my friends also abandon me? What about my teachers? Am I doing this right?' (anxiety).

With the brain fully occupied by shame and anxiety, sadness becomes suppressed. But then Tom had to deal with the shame and the anxiety, and to do that, he deduced that he must do everything perfectly. Perfection can stave off shame and anxiety. Hence perfectionism emerged as a defense. But perfectionism is not realistically achievable and has led to problems at work and in relationships when Tom became an adult. To help Tom let go of this defense, we need to start from a point of empathy and acknowledge the genuine benefits that perfectionism once brought (to soothe shame and anxiety). If we set off by criticizing the perfectionism, we simply end up pushing him into an even more defensive position and result in further disconnection. When a defense is acknowledged and empathised, there is a better chance of the body feeling safer and letting the defense down temporarily. Then, when possible, we move one level deeper to address the shame and anxiety, to acknowledge them and relieve them from their duties of suppressing the core unexpressed emotion. To identify that emotion (it has been buried so deep and so long that Tom has probably forgotten it's trigger and it's nature), we try to see what the body seeks when shame and anxiety no longer shields it. Maybe the fists are clenched wanting to act out and establish a boundary, that's called anger. Maybe the legs are trembling and preparing to flee to safety, that's fear. Or maybe the hands are hugging the opposite arms trying to provide comfort, that could be sadness. Having identified the unexpressed emotion, the next would be to release it according to the body's natural reflexes, so that everything can run smoothly again. Afterwards, Tom still need to keep practising to identify and physically (not just verbally) express the emotions so that the body can learn how to deal with emotions and not need to suppress them (which always leads to other problems).

TRAUMA can be a significant one-off event such as parental divorce, but it can also be continuous events such as verbal abuse (why are you so weak, why are you so fragile, why are you so dumb, why do you always get sick), or neglect of basic emotional needs (comfort and unconditional love from parents). Sometimes, a seemingly innocuous phrase such as "you don't deserve love if you don't play/practise the piano/homework/exam well" can have the same destructive consequences as physical punishment if repeated over time and over a broad area of the child's life.

ATTACHMENT is divided into secure attachment and insecure attachment. People with secure attachment see the world as a safe place and are less likely to employ defenses. They are their authenic selves - they actually live a life. That is the minority. The majority of us have insecure attachment - we spend 90% of the time desperately trying to SURVIVE and maybe 10% actually living it. Insecure attachment is divided into three kinds: the Pursuer (who craves intimacy and actively tries to draw attention with dramatic outbursts to increase chances of attachment); the Withdrawer (who avoids intimacy by putting up walls and leading a socially independent life); the mixture type (who craves intimacy but is fearful of the consequences). The mixture type is one that most often causes actual physical harm to the person and those around them - it's a difficult personality to understand. One example is a child that approaches a parent by facing them backwards, so that they can try to run away at any sign of trouble. However, even though most of us come into adulthood being somewhat insecure, we can learn to become securely attached by practising to connect with our emotions. The main tools are breathing awareness and body mindfulness. What does my body want to do when I feel uncomfortable? Anger seeks to establish boundary, sadness requires comfort, fear seeks safety. Joy seeks sharing.

COUNSELLLING is about reading the other peron's emotional states and helping them connect with their core emotions (joy, excitement, sexual arousemnt, disgust, anger, fear, sadness). But if we think about it more, that should have been the foundation of human communication. A conversation becomes dysfunctional when one participant unwittingly probes too deep and the other participant becomes entrenched in a defensive position; once this opposition is established, no rational discourse will continue. This can happen easily in a workplace or in the household, where things needed to be done. "Honey, can you do the dishes please? I'm busy today" "What?! Don't you see I'm working on something? And I've already cooked dinner for everyone!" (Getting defensive because of a perceived blaming of not contributing to the household).

Or, the conservation drifts into a territory where one person feels uncomfortable and the other person feels invested in. The one who feels uncomfortable employs a defense by joking about it; the person who feels invested in the topic feels offended; again, an opposition has developed. Learning counselling is about feeling the constantly changing dynamic of a conversation - where we want the conversation to go, is the other person comfortable about going there, might we be triggering some defenses, might WE be triggered by something. But really, this is what we should all learn if we want to build healthy relationships with people.

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Yat Ho Tsang, Karen Yeung and 56 others