Do I do I do? Momentary Marriage and Self-controlled Singleness (1 Corinthians 7:1-40)
Introduction
According to the bible, there are two states of life. There is the single way and the married way. And our modern society rejects both the single way and the married way that the Bible promotes.
Singleness for the Christian involves sexual chastity. It involves not having sex with anyone. Modern western society rejects this. In our sex-obsessed, sex-soaked society, chaste singleness is seen as something to be pitied, something repressive, something less than human.
Marriage for the Christian involves sexual activity, but only with one’s spouse of the opposite gender. Marriage involves sexual exclusivity and faithfulness. Perversely, modern western society also sees marriage as something to be pitied, that is repressive and bad for humans.
You’ve heard all the bad taste jokes. ‘30 years… You don’t even get that for murder. Here’s my trouble and strife, my ball and chain.’
And so modern Australian society accepts all sorts of other sexual arrangements, along as they are consensual. Sex outside of marriage, co-habitation, adultery, divorce, homosexuality, bisexuality, uncommitted sexual relations. And the homosexual lobby and the Greens and some others want to change the definition of marriage to include gay marriage[1].
Now, we Christians who say that marriage is between a man and a woman for life to the exclusion of all others, as our law currently says, are just trusting Jesus Christ. The Lord Jesus Christ, our maker and sustainer, our Lord and God, our risen Redeemer and Saviour, made up the idea of marriage, and knows what is best. And so we believe what God and his Son, the Lord Jesus, says about marriage, both in Old and New Testaments. And this is what Jesus says about marriage, quoting the Old Testament. And I’m going to read from Matthew chapter 19 verses 3 to 12:
3 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” 4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator`made them male and female’, 5 and said,`For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” 7 “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” 8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.” 10 The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.” 11 Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12 For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.” (Matthew 19:3-12 NIV)
There are many things about Jesus’s words we could talk about. But today, I just want to point that Jesus identifies two states of life.
The first state of life Jesus identifies is marriage. Jesus says that the creator made ‘male and female’. Not male and male or female and female. Not gay marriage. Not polygamy or polyamoury. Not temporary marriage. The two are different – male and female – they are opposites, and they are united, and that union is for life, and they are not to be separated. And in so doing Jesus excludes from God’s creational intention uncommitted sexual liaisons, divorce and remarriage, serial monogamy, promiscuity, adultery, homosexuality, bisexuality, and polygamy, and temporary arrangements.
And the second state of life Jesus identifies is singleness. The disciples say to Jesus that it would be better not to marry if you cannot divorce your wife. And Jesus says, yes, some are eunuchs, which means that they don’t use their sexuality. Some don’t use their sexuality because they were born that way. Some made that way by men. That is, they were castrated. And some have renounced their use of their God given sexuality because of the kingdom of God. Jesus doesn’t impose this state of life on anybody. He doesn’t impose it on Apostles, Prophets, Bishops, Priests and Deacons. But he says that the one who can accept singleness should.
Marriage is state of life of most of the Apostles, such as Peter, Jesus’ mother Mary, and almost all of the bishops, presbyters and deacons in the early church.
But singleness, chaste singleness, life without using sex, was the state of life of Jesus. Jesus was a eunuch for the Kingdom. And so, it appears, was Paul. Paul used his chaste singleness for the kingdom.
Better to not marry (verses 1, 7, 8-9)
The disciples of Jesus who heard about Jesus ‘no divorce and remarriage’ rule said it would be better not to marry. And in this Jesus partially agrees. The one who can accept this should accept it.
Hopefully, someone will say, ‘Hang on, didn’t God say in the beginning, it is not good for man to be alone, I will make a helper suitable for him’? And then God made the woman. (Genesis 2:18-25). Didn’t Solomon say that ‘Two is better than one’? (Ecclesiastes 4:9). Wasn’t Isaac comforted by his wife? (Genesis 24:67). Doesn’t Proverbs 18:22 say 'He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favour from the LORD.'? (Proverbs 18:22 NIV)
And the answer is, yes, yes, yes, and yes. Marriage is good and a gift from God. Jesus dignified marriage by his attendance at the Wedding of Cana (John 2). Marriage is good, and better than singleness from the point of view of living in this world, of having to negotiate this gendered world with in-built sex, which God said to fill and subdue.
But as we shall see, for those who can accept it, singleness is better from the point of view of living life in the light of the world to come. Paul’s view, which is the Lord’s view, is that singleness is better. Paul said something remarkably similar to the Lord Jesus, who sent him. 1 Corinthians chapter 7 verse 1:
Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry [lit not touch a woman]. (1 Corinthians 7:1 NIV)
Verse 7:
I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. (1 Corinthians 7:7 NIV).
Paul wishes that all men were single and chaste, as Jesus and he himself were. But he also recognizes that not everyone is so gifted.
And so Paul encourages the unmarried and the widows to remain unmarried. Verses 8 to 9:
Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn [with passion]. (1 Corinthians 7:8-9 NIV)
If you can do it without sin, be single. But if you can’t, or if you can but don’t want to be single anymore, get married. Why does Paul say this, that it is good to remain unmarried? Why is it good to stay single? There are four reasons:
1. Our Marriages are Momentary, as is our World
First, our marriages are momentary, as is our world. Verses 29 to 31:
What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away. (1 Corinthians 7:29-31 NIV)
I’ve done been between 40 and 50 weddings over the last 10 years. But can I say, no bride has ever chosen the reading, ‘those who have wives should live as if they had none’. No husband has ever said, ‘Thanks for the wedding, now I’m ready to live without sex’. Funny, that.
What is Paul saying? ‘Those who have wives should live as if they had none… because the present structure of this world is passing away’. Paul is saying, ‘Get ready to lose it’. If you are a husband, get ready to lose your wife. If you are a wife, get ready to lose your husband. Unless you die together in a car accident, or Jesus comes back in our lifetime, 50% of married people become single again. And statistically, it’s usually the woman who survives.
So write your will, take out the insurance policy, settle your affairs, steel yourself for singleness again. For the grave is coming. And in the new heaven and earth, there is no marriage, except that of Christ and the church. No one is born there, for no one dies there. So our marriages are for this life only. Our marriages are passing away, they are momentary, serving God’s purposes for this world. And the person who is single is most ready and able to deal with that reality.
2. Singleness Simplifies Life and Saves from Some Suffering
Second, singleness simplifies life and saves you from some suffering. Verse 28:
But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this. (NIV)
According to the bible, there is a way to not have trouble in marriage. Are you ready for it? Here is the way to have no trouble in marriage… Don’t get married.
There are all kinds of troubles that come to married people. All your love and joys are multiplied, but so are all your troubles. Your spouse’s troubles become yours, your children’s troubles become yours, if they have children, their trouble becomes yours, you get in-laws, and maybe they are trouble itself. There is trouble with your marriage, trouble with health, trouble with sex, trouble with finance, trouble with all manner of new relationships, all of them exponentially multiplied by the number of people you care for and the number of responsibilities you now have. And we haven’t yet talked about all the troubles that come in with sin. So, as Jesus and Paul did, you can choose the trouble of not having a wife or husband.
3. Singleness enables Undivided Devotion without Distraction (verses 32-35)
Third, being single enables undivided devotion to the Lord Jesus Christ without the distractions of marriage. Verses 32 to 35:
I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs--how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world - how he can please his wife - and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world--how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord. (1 Corinthians 7:32-35 NIV)
Paul is not saying this to throw a noose around our necks. He is just giving us a reality check. If you are unmarried, all your have to worry about is yourself. And if you are an unmarried Christian, that frees you up to be wholly and soley concerned for the affairs of the Lord Jesus Christ. You can stay back late at the office of Jesus Christ, you can miss dinner, you can pray all day, and be out all night, you can learn Greek, Hebrew and Aramaic, and then a couple of other languages, you can burn the candle at both ends, you can do two and a half full time jobs as the Apostle Paul did and you can evangelise the world. Your interests can be singly focused on God, as Jesus was. And if you are martyred, while the church will grieve, there isn’t a family left without a parent.
4. The rule of inertia
The fourth reason is what we might call the ‘rule of inertia’. Inertia is what you feel when you are lying in bed on a cold morning, snug and warm. It’s what you feel when you are watching a good show on TV, and the telephone rings, or you have to cook dinner. You don’t want to get up. Inertia is the resistance of any physical object to a change in its state of motion or rest. You just want to keep the status quo.
Now, you might need to get up. There is work to be done, or dinner to be cooked, or the phone to be answered. There are good reason to break the blissful indolence of inertia. But it takes energy and effort to do so.
And Paul expresses a form of this rule from verses 17 to 24. For example, verse 17:
Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. (1 Corinthians 7:17 NIV)
Again, verse 24:
Brothers, each man, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation God called him to. (1 Corinthians 7:24 NIV)
And Paul applies this to marriage and singleness in verse 27:
Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife. (1 Corinthians 7:27 NIV)
If there is no reason to change, enjoy the status quo, says Paul, the inertia of remaining in the situation you were in when you became a Christian.
Good to marry
However, while it might be better to be single, from the point of view of the world to come, it is better to be married, from the point of view of having to live in this world. God himself said when he made this world, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him’. And the fact is, it is not best or optimal for everyone to be single. It is much better for many, and probably for most, to be married.
Verse 2:
But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. (1 Corinthians 7:2 NIV)
Verse 9:
But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (NIV)
Verse 28:
But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. (NIV)
The mistake of the Roman Catholic church is not that they have unmarried bishops, priests and deacons. That is good in and of itself. The mistake is that they do not grant the freedom for people in those offices to marry, and they do not consider married people for those offices. The Apostle Peter, who they call their first pope, was married (1 Corinthians 9:5). Paul says he has the right to get married, and have the church support his wife. Indeed a bishop or a deacon was to be the husband of one wife. That means church leaders were married. And sadly, the Roman Catholic church has been reaping what they have sown from that unhealthy, unbiblical, unnecessary and cruel restriction.
Have frequent sex
To the married, Paul says, do not use sex as a weapon. Do not deprive each other of sex in marriage or each other’s body.
Verses 3 to 5:
The husband should fulfil his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5 NIV)
Thanks, I’ve got my kids now. You can sleep in the other bedroom.
Sex is for marriage and the marriage is for sex. For you only have each other for sex. Every other avenue is cut off, for the Christian.
Mind you, a spouse might deprive their spouse of their body by working too long, or going to the pub or football, or doing ‘ministry’. ‘Hey, get your body home, it belongs to me as well you know.’ And Peter says that husbands are to live with their wives with consideration and knowledge as the weaker vessel. Not, ‘Ok render your body over to me, woman, because it’s mine.’
But the bible expectation is that husband and wife should have sex lovingly and regularly. So Proverbs 5:15-19:
Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer--may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. (NIV)
Stay together… Do not separate and do not divorce…
And Paul wants the husband and the wife to stay together, and not interpose another relationship.
Verses 10 to 11:
To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:10-11 NIV)
Stay together. You said, ‘Till death do us part’. Work it through. Husband, get back to loving your wife as Christ loved the church. Wife, get back to submitting to his love, as the church does to Christ.
And the grass is not greener over the other side. You water your own grass, and it will be green enough. Tend to the marriage that you have, rather than think that you will be happier with a whole new marriage. Look after the wife of your youth, the husband you covenanted with.
…. Even if your spouse is a Non-Christian (verses 12-14)
And that applies even if you are a Christian and your spouse is a non-Christian. Verses 12 to 13:
To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. (1 Corinthians 7:12-13 NIV)
Marriage is a creational ordinance. And the rule of inertia applies. If you become a Christian, but your wife does not, you don’t leave the marriage for that reason. And Paul gives a special reason. Verse 14:
For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. (1 Corinthians 7:14 NIV)
God kindly and wonderfully says that the unbeliever is sanctified through the believer. The husband and wife can have normal sexual relations, even if it is a mixed marriage. They can and should stay together.
I’m not saying it is easy to do so. I’m not saying there aren’t stresses and strains. But the marriage is holy in God’s sight.
In fact, Paul says something else wonderful. Verse 14, your children are holy. So if at least one parent is a believer, the child of that marriage is holy. If you like, that child is covered by the faith of that one parent.
That’s why I can say that the death of a child of a believer, as tragic as that is, has this wonderful word. Your child was and is holy to the Lord. The promise was for you and your children. Sure, children when they grow up must themselves believe in Christ. Just because mum trusted Jesus, it doesn’t mean you can hide behind her skirt forever. Man up and trust Jesus as an adult for yourself, otherwise you will face God’s judgment as more than just a garden-variety sinner, but as a covenant breaker and apostate, one who has sinned against knowledge and the light, and not in ignorance. But it does show that God loves and adopts our infants and children for himself.
The Pauline Privilege… Allowing an unbelieving spouse to leave (verse 15-16)
But the believer can let the unbeliever leave. Verses 15 and 16:
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? (1 Corinthians 7:15-16 NIV)
If the unbeliever leaves the believer, the believer can let them go. For it is very hard for the believer to live with the unbeliever, as some of you can testify. In 2 Corinthians 6:14-15, Paul will say:
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?
Here is another reason for Christians to marry Christians. Believers should not marry unbelievers. You don’t know whether you will save them. Sure, God has been kind, and it has happened. But don’t adopt the policy of missionary dating. Because you don’t know whether you will save your spouse. There are no guarantees. And so in verse 39, Paul says to the Christian widow:
A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. (1 Corinthians 7:39 NIV)
If you belong to the Lord Jesus Christ, marry someone who belongs to the Lord Jesus Christ as well.
Conclusion
Verse 38 says that for the Christian, to marry or not to marry is a win win, if you observe a couple of rules. Verse 38:
So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does even better. (NIV)
Marriage is a good gift from God for companionship to deal with the problem of loneliness, for the godly use of sex, and for children and family life. It is a consolation God gives humanity in this world of sin and woe. It is better from the point of view of this life, if you can’t handle being celibate and alone. And observation tells us that this is the normal way of this world, and better for the vast majority of people.
However, it does multiply trouble. It does divide the interests of the Christian, between the temporal and eternal, between this world and the next.
And for this reason, singleness is a good gift from God for undivided devotion to the Lord. Jesus and Paul were themselves single. And if the God-given natural desires for sexual intimacy are under control, then it is the better way. Because there is no marriage in heaven, except that between by Christ and his church.
Let’s Pray.
[1] As you know, we are currently seeing concerted attempts to redefine marriage by the homosexual lobby. Marriage need not be between a husband and wife, a man and a woman, so we are told. It could be between two men, or two women. It seems that the magic about marriage is the number ‘two’. If you have two, and consent, they call it equal marriage.
But of course, what they want is not equal marriage, because the proponents of equal marriage are discriminatory. They discriminate against those who want to marry their adult daughter or son. What if a man and a woman are of age, and they love each other. Why should others deny their marriage, just because they are brother and sister, or father and daughter, or mother and son, or two brothers, or two sisters, or an uncle and a nephew. It wasn’t their fault they were born that way. You might not like it, but so what? Love + Love = Marriage, on their own reasoning. Who are you to judge their love? But of course, equal marriage advocates aren’t seeking to remove the provisions against prohibited or incestuous relationships. So they discriminate against incestuous relations.
And they discriminate against the bi-sexual. Of course, so many groups like the Greens claim that they are looking after the interests of the GLBT community … the Gay, Lesbian, Bi-Sexual and Transgender. But why then are they saying that only ‘two’ marry? That doesn’t allow the bi-sexual the freedom to be what he or she is. If the homosexual can’t help it and was born that way, neither can the bi-sexual. Why are you making them choose, by limiting them to only one person at a time? The bisexual then is not permitted to express their love in marrying all the people they love. You are denying their human rights. So the equal marriage advocate discriminates against the polyamourist.
Indeed, what if ever since I could remember, I’ve been attracted to many members of the opposite sex? Why can’t I marry any number of them? Muslims allow a man to marry up to 4 women at a time? Why is that anyone else’s business, if they are of age, and it is consensual? So equal marriage discriminates against the polygamist. I’m not surprised that the Muslims are so quiet against same sex marriage. I reckon they feel they are the next logical cab off the rank. And who can logically argue against polygamy, if you allow same-sex marriage?
And why is the ‘death do us part’ bit necessary? With the ease of divorce, effectively it is ‘until one partner wants to end it’. So wouldn’t it be more honest to allow that? For better or worse, until one partner wants to end it. Then, of course, we could allow the Shi-ite practice of ‘Muhtah marriage’. A person could be married for a certain period of time. And who are you, to say that is not marriage, you bigot!
Do you see how narrow minded and bigoted they are, these advocates of ‘equal marriage’, in saying that marriage is just between two persons for life?