March 21, 2020 TBT - only a throw back of 14 weeks . . . and really more like a 'throw up'. After numerous requests do you hear the sound of one finger on one hand typing
March 21, 2020 TBT - only a throw back of 14 weeks . . . and really more like a 'throw up'. After numerous requests do you hear the sound of one finger on one hand typing
The State of Marshall: It was 3 months, Thursday the 16th, since my stroke. Trying things with half a body, the half that was not dominant means everything takes an inordinate amount of time. Life demands 'patience' no matter and in spite of your attitude. Like in the middle of this blog, I fell for the first time in 2 months. Fell back on the desk, tipping a mug of Chai tea onto the keyboard, and while splayed on the desk attempting to brace myself from falling all the way to the floor, I watched my computer screen go blank. One day of intense drying with fans did not bring it back to life, and with that outcome the concern that 3 months of writing and blogs had been lost forever.
The State of Marshall: It was 3 months, Thursday the 16th, since my stroke. Trying things with half a body, the half that was not dominant means everything takes an inordinate amount of time. Life demands 'patience' no matter and in spite of your attitude. Like in the middle of this blog, I fell for the first time in 2 months. Fell back on the desk, tipping a mug of Chai tea onto the keyboard, and while splayed on the desk attempting to brace myself from falling all the way to the floor, I watched my computer screen go blank. One day of intense drying with fans did not bring it back to life, and with that outcome the concern that 3 months of writing and blogs had been lost forever.
As the computer was going to be on the high seas 'wright' now, an identical computer was purchased to deal with this situation. Took 3 days for one of my personal angel's to get the back-up off the boat; another day to check it out and then talk another angel to swap out the hard drive in the hopes of retrieving the lost writings. A couple of days more of transfer hiccups and 'wallah', all was well. Just another week spinning out of my life span, and having to ask others to stand in for the body I used to have.
As the computer was going to be on the high seas 'wright' now, an identical computer was purchased to deal with this situation. Took 3 days for one of my personal angel's to get the back-up off the boat; another day to check it out and then talk another angel to swap out the hard drive in the hopes of retrieving the lost writings. A couple of days more of transfer hiccups and 'wallah', all was well. Just another week spinning out of my life span, and having to ask others to stand in for the body I used to have.
Originally, after the stroke, I tried staying on the boat and then settled on staying at my friend John's house. A couple of days in, I lost my balance while John was helping me out of a chair. In a death grip, we wobbled across the living room floor like an out-of-balance gyroscope before we fell; as our spin would have it, I was on top. Good for me; two cracked ribs for John who is a passel of years older than me. As John and I are laying on the floor, out of my unconscious mouth comes “Fine mess you got us in, Ollie.”
Originally, after the stroke, I tried staying on the boat and then settled on staying at my friend John's house. A couple of days in, I lost my balance while John was helping me out of a chair. In a death grip, we wobbled across the living room floor like an out-of-balance gyroscope before we fell; as our spin would have it, I was on top. Good for me; two cracked ribs for John who is a passel of years older than me. As John and I are laying on the floor, out of my unconscious mouth comes “Fine mess you got us in, Ollie.”
John and I were having so much fun trying to hurt one another, Bonni put her foot down. The very next day she was taking me to the Cape Canaveral Hospital while John was at his local hospital having his ribs checked out.
John and I were having so much fun trying to hurt one another, Bonni put her foot down. The very next day she was taking me to the Cape Canaveral Hospital while John was at his local hospital having his ribs checked out.
In all, spent 10 days in the hospital, one regular and one rehab. Both were a waste of time, energy, and money; atrocious 'vegan' food and lack of sleep. The question at the rehab hospital was, with 3 hours of therapy per day sandwiched around 21 hours restricted to a bed; “How am I supposed to rehab and do the exercises when in bed?” Their answer: “That's all Medicare pays us to do!” And on the weekends, 24 hours a day in bed!!!!!
In all, spent 10 days in the hospital, one regular and one rehab. Both were a waste of time, energy, and money; atrocious 'vegan' food and lack of sleep. The question at the rehab hospital was, with 3 hours of therapy per day sandwiched around 21 hours restricted to a bed; “How am I supposed to rehab and do the exercises when in bed?” Their answer: “That's all Medicare pays us to do!” And on the weekends, 24 hours a day in bed!!!!!
So return to my friends, Rene & Kurt Nall's home where good sleep, very healthy vegan food, and vibrant companionship are the order of the day. My rehab was supposed to be facilitated through out-patient therapy. Go to therapy only to find a nest of potential Covid-19 vectors; 5 therapists in a room with no protective gear seeing 8 to 10 patients per day; the whole place screaming 'vector' times ten. I went twice and stopped fearing infecting the five angels who take care of me.
So return to my friends, Rene & Kurt Nall's home where good sleep, very healthy vegan food, and vibrant companionship are the order of the day. My rehab was supposed to be facilitated through out-patient therapy. Go to therapy only to find a nest of potential Covid-19 vectors; 5 therapists in a room with no protective gear seeing 8 to 10 patients per day; the whole place screaming 'vector' times ten. I went twice and stopped fearing infecting the five angels who take care of me.
I'll break this journey down to three experiential aspects: mental, physical, and spiritual. Starting with the mental aspects, have to share some background. A joke gifted by my namesake grandfather that became a yardstick in my life for the last 5o years.
I'll break this journey down to three experiential aspects: mental, physical, and spiritual. Starting with the mental aspects, have to share some background. A joke gifted by my namesake grandfather that became a yardstick in my life for the last 5o years.
The joke: a farmer and a pig walk into a Midwestern bar. The farmer pulls up a stool for him and one for the pig; orders a shot with a beer chaser for both of them. He even lights a cigarette for both of them and hands one to the pig with his forelegs propped on the bar. The farmer and the pig proceed to have a 'good ole time' as if it happens regularly. The bartender is fascinated by the pig's behavior and finally asks the farmer how he trained him. The farmer says: “Pigs are rather smart, I only had to spend about 3 hours a day for like two years before he could do just about anything I asked him to.” “Well his behavior is amazing' said the bartender, “but that is a lot of hours you spent training him.” The farmer smiles and says, “Well, what's time to a pig.”
The joke: a farmer and a pig walk into a Midwestern bar. The farmer pulls up a stool for him and one for the pig; orders a shot with a beer chaser for both of them. He even lights a cigarette for both of them and hands one to the pig with his forelegs propped on the bar. The farmer and the pig proceed to have a 'good ole time' as if it happens regularly. The bartender is fascinated by the pig's behavior and finally asks the farmer how he trained him. The farmer says: “Pigs are rather smart, I only had to spend about 3 hours a day for like two years before he could do just about anything I asked him to.” “Well his behavior is amazing' said the bartender, “but that is a lot of hours you spent training him.” The farmer smiles and says, “Well, what's time to a pig.”
Fifty years, a joke, used as a yardstick to spend my time with purpose has now become my personal mantra. Listen to that refrain thirty-four times a day. If I had to boil down this experience mentally to one word, that word would be 'trapped'. Trapped in a strange, hobbled body, unable to get the therapy that potentially could lead to some healing. Have not been angry about being trapped, but the mystery is being stingy about answering the questions.
Fifty years, a joke, used as a yardstick to spend my time with purpose has now become my personal mantra. Listen to that refrain thirty-four times a day. If I had to boil down this experience mentally to one word, that word would be 'trapped'. Trapped in a strange, hobbled body, unable to get the therapy that potentially could lead to some healing. Have not been angry about being trapped, but the mystery is being stingy about answering the questions.
After launching the good ship CoupRider at Christmas time, I was prepping the boat, two weeks from setting sail on the high seas, and then the stroke. My 8-year old, Marshmallow, the one who loves to frolic in the waves; who pushed me for 13 years towards the sea, screams 21 times per day; 'why now?'. Instead of sailing along blissfully disconnected from the virus with no quarantine, I am dealing with a fuzzy brain, rehabbing by myself, clients, cars, insurance, all the things landlubbers do that I thought I was going to leave behind, now finding myself in the 'twilight zone'.
After launching the good ship CoupRider at Christmas time, I was prepping the boat, two weeks from setting sail on the high seas, and then the stroke. My 8-year old, Marshmallow, the one who loves to frolic in the waves; who pushed me for 13 years towards the sea, screams 21 times per day; 'why now?'. Instead of sailing along blissfully disconnected from the virus with no quarantine, I am dealing with a fuzzy brain, rehabbing by myself, clients, cars, insurance, all the things landlubbers do that I thought I was going to leave behind, now finding myself in the 'twilight zone'.
Mentally, the critical things made it through. I'm still a lunatic who thinks in strange coined words; a twisted sense of humor that passeth all others in understanding while amusing the hell out of me. My fundamental spiritual belief also was still there; that being what I think 'is'. The only impediment is a mouth full of marbles, actually wads of excessive saliva, that others don't complain about. Also when speaking, the brain often balks at the exigency of finding the wright word while that does not seem to be the case when writing.
Mentally, the critical things made it through. I'm still a lunatic who thinks in strange coined words; a twisted sense of humor that passeth all others in understanding while amusing the hell out of me. My fundamental spiritual belief also was still there; that being what I think 'is'. The only impediment is a mouth full of marbles, actually wads of excessive saliva, that others don't complain about. Also when speaking, the brain often balks at the exigency of finding the wright word while that does not seem to be the case when writing.
Besides loving the questions and hopeful of living into the answers, the loss of the great elixir in my life, playing music is most depressing. Not a natural musician, but out at sea, I had visions of entertaining a pod of dolphins off the fantail with my didgeridoo. The other instruments onboard that will lay about haunting my disability are a piano keyboard, African congo drums, Native American and Yamaha flutes, a kalimba, and aluminum boat that plays like a steel drum. Of all things, groking the loss of the musical outlet is the most upsetting.
Besides loving the questions and hopeful of living into the answers, the loss of the great elixir in my life, playing music is most depressing. Not a natural musician, but out at sea, I had visions of entertaining a pod of dolphins off the fantail with my didgeridoo. The other instruments onboard that will lay about haunting my disability are a piano keyboard, African congo drums, Native American and Yamaha flutes, a kalimba, and aluminum boat that plays like a steel drum. Of all things, groking the loss of the musical outlet is the most upsetting.
Physically the question never to be answered as to my stroke is coming into it having forty years without one cold, sore throat, headache, upset stomach; eating mostly vegan and exercising 3 / 4 times a week. The doctor after MRI and EKG along with all the chem panels, tilted his head to and fro, saying some people have an event out of nowhere. The most poignant aspect of this 'nowhere' event is the shock of living life with half a body. Half a body that performs maybe a quarter of the normal daily activities without difficulty. The right leg is 70% useful though I have to walk with a cane. Doing exercises takes up some of the day including a walk of about a mile every morning. I am trying to learn walking without a cane, sans the limp, around the house. And through it all, the leg seems to be getting weaker from atrophy faster than I can build it up.
Physically the question never to be answered as to my stroke is coming into it having forty years without one cold, sore throat, headache, upset stomach; eating mostly vegan and exercising 3 / 4 times a week. The doctor after MRI and EKG along with all the chem panels, tilted his head to and fro, saying some people have an event out of nowhere. The most poignant aspect of this 'nowhere' event is the shock of living life with half a body. Half a body that performs maybe a quarter of the normal daily activities without difficulty. The right leg is 70% useful though I have to walk with a cane. Doing exercises takes up some of the day including a walk of about a mile every morning. I am trying to learn walking without a cane, sans the limp, around the house. And through it all, the leg seems to be getting weaker from atrophy faster than I can build it up.
I have in the last week crossed the threshold of taking a shower by myself, and, with the help of a 'brodie knob' on the steering wheel, can drive when absolutely necessary. The steps are small; take a lot effort in achieving, and require a lot of patience and assistance from my angels.
I have in the last week crossed the threshold of taking a shower by myself, and, with the help of a 'brodie knob' on the steering wheel, can drive when absolutely necessary. The steps are small; take a lot effort in achieving, and require a lot of patience and assistance from my angels.
My right, dominant, arm, and hand is totally flaccid. From writing to wiping, it is unbelievable how much you take an arm for granted. Spend hours with Tens Machine watching it shock the arm into dancing with the electrical impulses. Only later to stare at it for 10 minutes while urging my thumb to move even a silly millimeter . . . SNOT. Persistent edema waxes and wanes in the arm while excruciating pain in the triceps comes from innocuous movements that take up to 10 minutes to quell.
My right, dominant, arm, and hand is totally flaccid. From writing to wiping, it is unbelievable how much you take an arm for granted. Spend hours with Tens Machine watching it shock the arm into dancing with the electrical impulses. Only later to stare at it for 10 minutes while urging my thumb to move even a silly millimeter . . . SNOT. Persistent edema waxes and wanes in the arm while excruciating pain in the triceps comes from innocuous movements that take up to 10 minutes to quell.
Being one-handed takes many hours out of the day doing formerly simple, mundane things. The art form required now after 90 days of experimentation borders on 'prestidigitation'. Yet, for all the magic, the accolades amount to the sound of 'one hand clapping'.
Being one-handed takes many hours out of the day doing formerly simple, mundane things. The art form required now after 90 days of experimentation borders on 'prestidigitation'. Yet, for all the magic, the accolades amount to the sound of 'one hand clapping'.
Well, I saved the best for last. The spiritual aspects of this journey are not to be believed, nor am I capable of putting them into words. Back 30-some-odd years ago when first striking out on the shamanic trail, I coined the word 'heartacrack' in attempting to describe my experiences with the healing arts – mine and my clients.
Well, I saved the best for last. The spiritual aspects of this journey are not to be believed, nor am I capable of putting them into words. Back 30-some-odd years ago when first striking out on the shamanic trail, I coined the word 'heartacrack' in attempting to describe my experiences with the healing arts – mine and my clients.
Borrowing from the Tibetan tenet that the light first appears through a crack. That crack is the breaking of adhesions that have culturally bound up the heart with fear. Playing 'hands-on' with clients, the light had many opportunities to break through if one is willing to let them. The process feels physically, as the old adhesions are breaking, like the heart is expanding. Sometimes the experience is painful, mimicking a heart attack.
Borrowing from the Tibetan tenet that the light first appears through a crack. That crack is the breaking of adhesions that have culturally bound up the heart with fear. Playing 'hands-on' with clients, the light had many opportunities to break through if one is willing to let them. The process feels physically, as the old adhesions are breaking, like the heart is expanding. Sometimes the experience is painful, mimicking a heart attack.
After 34 years of play with probably 100 heartacracks, I assumed my aspiration of manifesting the innocence of a three-year-old was a done deal. Little did I realize that when my former students showed up to put theirs hands on my crippled body, it was like I never had had a heartacrack, yet intimately knew what they were.
After 34 years of play with probably 100 heartacracks, I assumed my aspiration of manifesting the innocence of a three-year-old was a done deal. Little did I realize that when my former students showed up to put theirs hands on my crippled body, it was like I never had had a heartacrack, yet intimately knew what they were.
On top of that discovered that the stroke had shifted my emotional boundary very dramatically. In the past, I'd cry a half-dozen times a day out of joy for a random act of kindness. I now openly weep twice as often with absolutely no control over the strength of the emotion, and contortions of my face in celebrating the joy. Though I enjoy the heightened emotions, I am still somewhat embarrassed by my 'over the top' social display.
On top of that discovered that the stroke had shifted my emotional boundary very dramatically. In the past, I'd cry a half-dozen times a day out of joy for a random act of kindness. I now openly weep twice as often with absolutely no control over the strength of the emotion, and contortions of my face in celebrating the joy. Though I enjoy the heightened emotions, I am still somewhat embarrassed by my 'over the top' social display.
Before closing this, must mention my support angels who are still hanging there even after 3 months. None of this would have happened were it not for Bonni Stover, Rene & Kurt Nall, Sonja Hackenberg, Mike Britt, John Chiaraluce, Diane Carr, and days of fly-in from Minnesota 'hands-on' treatments and support from Lisa Walker.
Before closing this, must mention my support angels who are still hanging there even after 3 months. None of this would have happened were it not for Bonni Stover, Rene & Kurt Nall, Sonja Hackenberg, Mike Britt, John Chiaraluce, Diane Carr, and days of fly-in from Minnesota 'hands-on' treatments and support from Lisa Walker.
In closing, from not having the words to convey, I am going to borrow the last couple of stanzas from one of my favorite words poems:
In closing, from not having the words to convey, I am going to borrow the last couple of stanzas from one of my favorite words poems:
Were our mouths filled with song as the sea
Were our mouths filled with song as the sea
and our tongues lapping joy like waves
and our tongues lapping joy like waves
and our lips singing praises broad as the sky
and our lips singing praises broad as the sky
and our eyes like the sun and the moon
and our eyes like the sun and the moon
and our arms open wide as eagle's wings
and our arms open wide as eagle's wings
and our feet leaping light as the deer's,
and our feet leaping light as the deer's,
it would not be enough to tell
it would not be enough to tell
the wonder.
the wonder.
ADDENDUM to The State of Marshall: I did not want all the people from near and afar who have donated to my fiscal survival to get lost in that tome posted yesterday. They shall remain anonymous, yet I want to recognize their largess. However, what really needs to be said is that those donations cause one of those over-the-top celebrations of joy that trumpet, it is not so much the money, as your assurance that you are 'icamani'. . . brothers and sisters 'walking alongside' on this trail called the Red Road of life. Please know in your hearts that sharing your life-energy lifts me up and carries me through this storm. AHO
ADDENDUM to The State of Marshall: I did not want all the people from near and afar who have donated to my fiscal survival to get lost in that tome posted yesterday. They shall remain anonymous, yet I want to recognize their largess. However, what really needs to be said is that those donations cause one of those over-the-top celebrations of joy that trumpet, it is not so much the money, as your assurance that you are 'icamani'. . . brothers and sisters 'walking alongside' on this trail called the Red Road of life. Please know in your hearts that sharing your life-energy lifts me up and carries me through this storm. AHO