Stan writes:
I wouldn't exactly call my feelings depression (that's under control, thank God!), but I feel a "heaviness" at times that is difficult to explain. I love my wife and don't want to hurt her, yet I have such a yearning desire to be with a man, to have a lover, that I wonder if I'm being insane sometimes! How can I have it both ways? Am I acting like a spoiled teenager? Do others of you feel like this? I feel like I'm going to explode sometimes. I have gay and bi friends, but I really want that one special guy -- someone to talk to every day, share all my thoughts with, be physical with and to be myself with! Does any of this make sense? Is there any such thing as balance in all of this? It would be much easier if I hated my wife and didn't have a child who I adore, but...ain't gonna change that! I'd be interested in hearing how others of you deal with this desire and feelings of guilt, anxiety, "heaviness", etc.
Bill responds:
Thanks for sharing. You have articulated the feeling that many of us have very well. I have no answers. Sometimes I simply learn to love the questions! You are not insane. Your feelings are real. You have probably learned as a man not to feel those feelings. What you really want (as I do) is a male to be intimate with, in every sense of the word. That feeling is with me all the time (sometimes even when I'm with good male friends). Yet many of our wives cannot understand or accept this as it violates what they need and want. Please don't blame yourself or try to be responsible for your wife's feelings.
Bill
...and Martin responds:
No, you're not acting like a spoiled teenager. You want what a lot of us want. And don't despair. It is possible.
Six months ago I felt like you did. I'd go out every weekend looking for Mr. Right and ended up with a succession of Mr. Right Now's. Fun, but it got more and more depressing all the time. I knew that I didn't want to leave my family but I didn't think that I 'd ever find anyone to be a true lover.
Then by chance I met Ron. We seemed to hit it off and started seeing each other. Though we intended to keep things casual because I was married, within a month we'd fallen in love.
I was honest with my wife about where things were going in the relationship, and while it was kind of rough at first, in the end she saw the same qualities in him that I did. He's now a member of our extended family. In addition to the time that he and I spend together, he's also included in things with my wife, my daughter, and my mother in law.
I will say that it's not easy some times. . . One of the reasons that I'm on the list so seldom any more is that it seems that maintaining my relationship with both him and my family is enormously time consuming. There are inevitably times when I feel like I need to be in two places at one time. We work through that though.
Most of the credit goes to Ron and Sally. Without their understanding it wouldn't work. They both realize that I do my best to divide my time between them as fairly as I can. Each understands that there are times when I need to be with the other, and they're not resentful of that. They know that I'll be doing the same for them when the occasion arises.
Don't give up hope. It is possible!
Martin