Thursday night's edition of 20/20 contained a story about lesbians who came out to
their husbands in midlife. It was (necessarily) a superficial examination of the issues and experiences of the subjects, but startlingly close to home, of course.
My wife and I sat and watched in silence--interrupted early in the story by her comment that she thought the subjects were "just terribly confused." A later remark echoed her previous statements to me: "I just don't understand how--for any reason-- a woman could leave the people who love her the most."
From the way she said this, I knew that the evening needed to bring an opportunity for us to talk about our own situation. The 20/20 piece provided a stimulus.
The last time we had a real conversation about our relationship, my sexuality, and what our future might be was in June of this year. I'll try to frame the story briefly. I came out to my wife in July of 1995. Expecting the worst, I just knew that her rea ction would be angry, explosive, and intolerant. Instead, what occurred initially was more intimacy and growth in our relationship than in years. For about six months, it seemed we were on a track that would accommodate both our needs. Then, in early 1996 , we entered what I call the "Don't ask, don't tell" stage. She concluded from her own point of view that the only solution for me was to repress my needs and to get on with life. She basically said, "It's your problem, so you have to deal with it." Since then, any attempt to discuss the matter has been met with anger and bitterness, and we have not been able to move beyond the impasse.
On Thursday, as we prepared for bed, the conversation was typical--chat about the kids, a friend who had surgery, upcoming holiday events, etc. It was as if she was making every possible effort (again) to avoid talking about the 20/20 broadcast. Finally, I told her that it would be unhealthy if we watched the show and didn't talk about it, and I asked her what she thought. That brought a replay of the same tapes that are popped into the slot every time the subject comes up: homosexuality is sinful, sex ou tside of marriage is sinful, a marriage commitment is for a lifetime (no matter what the situation), etc.
I tried not to react to what she said, but simply to listen--to really feel what she said. In the past, my pattern has been to react whenever a statement from her prompted a response. I really am trying to listen to what she says and to understand her fee lings. My hope is that someday she can at least accept my feelings and needs as credible. That seems increasingly to be an unrealistic expectation on my part.
Last night she got to the end of the tapes and asked me what I thought about the show (this is a significant deviation from her usual pattern). My reply was (a) there is often a fine line between confusion and clarity, and (b) my perspective was different : I didn't think the story portrayed people who became confused. I told her that from my own experience, I could see in their stories people who had dealt with a lot of confusion for a long time and who finally gained some clarity about themselves. By then the tapes were rewound, and she pushed the "play" button again. I soon realized that we were not going to make any further progress, and I suggested that we leave it alone and get some sleep.
So the process continues. It is a long journey. I am grateful at least for the opportunity to talk about where we are now.
Josh