[Italic comments in brackets are from Will, the editor of this website]
Hi, Ralph,
What an awful burden you are carrying - I hope that talking with your wife will relieve some of it, while it will of course bring much else down on your head to deal with. Your wife is lucky...that you are willing to come to he r voluntarily, not because you have been "discovered," and that you have been faithful to this point, so she is not being hit with betrayal on top of everything else. You asked for advice; here is what little I can suggest:
1. Before you talk to her, read Jean Gochros's When Husbands Come Out of the Closet and Amity Buxton's The Other Side of the Closet and have both available to give to her. [Use your judgment about how soon to give these books; some hus bands have found that their wives were upset by Buxton's statistics on the number of marriages ending in divorce, based on her sampling. Catherine Whitney's Uncommon Lives is a more optimistic book on successful continuing marriages. Ed.]
2. Talk to her at a time when you can make yourself available on a continuing basis for a couple of days -- at the beginning of a weekend, etc. Be ready to stay home from work if you need to. Sometimes people seem to need to just proces s and process and process for a couple of days.
3. Try not to concern yourself about what her reaction is -- know that she is being hit by a truck, and how she reacts initially says very little about what she will feel over time and what you both will do. Give her at least a couple of weeks to just let it hit her, and don't look for acceptance, understanding, forgiveness, or coping with the future until she is ready to turn to that.
4. Tell her everything - don't hold back. It is important she knows there are no more surprises coming down the road. [But be cautious about unnecessary lurid details. Ed.]
5. Let her know about the Spouse Support Group on the Internet and the subgroup known as Str8s, and that there are ways to find spouses to talk with in person or on the phone thro ugh the Straight Spouse Support Network, a group of organizations around the country which can be found through the same Internet address. There are also support groups in many areas. But mainly - really suggest that she at least "listen", tha t is, read the e-mail submitted by other wives on the Straight Spouse List.
6. She will want to know what this means in terms of your intentions/wants toward her. Be honest. If you hope to maintain the marriage, say so. If you don't know what will work out, say that.
7. Suggest to her that it will take a lot of time to let the dust settle and decide where to go with this...sometimes people jump to immediate "I must now change my life tomorrow" assumptions and do themselves and their marriage unnecessary damage.&nbs p; If you are willing to take time to work out where to go with this, be sure that she knows that.
8. For yourself - subscribe to the HOTTS and SOTTS lists (Husbands/Spouses Out to Their Spouses). To subscribe, send mail to majordomo@queernet.org; put a line saying subscribe hotts in the body (or subscribe sotts for the wive's subgroup).
9. I know this can be incredibly difficult, but, more than anything -- hear and accept her pain. Let her be in pain, as guilty and terrible as it makes you feel. Face it, don't abandon her because you can't take it. Let her be a ngry at you, let her despair, let her mourn. Hold her if you can, but at least listen and give her feelings validity and understanding.
10. Say you're sorry (which is not to say that you are in the wrong -- just that you regret causing pain, that you recognize the losses involved).
Let us know how it goes...and good luck,
Take care,
Jennifer