Fred writes to Mike on the GayDads email list about books on marriages in which the husband is bisexual.
Mike:
There are three books that will probably be mentioned having to do with the dynamics of a mixed orientation marriage. They are:
"The Other Side of the Closet" by Amity Pearce Buxton, "When Husbands Come Out of the Closet" by Jean Scharr, and Gochros "Uncommon Lives" by Catherine Whitney
Many people feel "Uncommon Lives" is the most hopeful (and perhaps nearest to a "how to" book on mixed-orientation marriages). You might find a copy in a library, or you can find a used copy at AbeBooks.com (Catherine Whitney).
Of the other two books, it is my personal feeling that the Gochros book has the softer "edge" to its writing; her conclusion section is very encouraging and hopeful. It is available at AbeBooks.com (Jean Gochros).
Amity Buxton (whom I know personally) is a wonderful, supportive person who is currently working on another study of mixed orientation marriages that are "making it" over some period of time. "The Other Side of the Closet" (as do the other books) presents anecdotal accounts of various couples experiences to illustrate various situations that have (and do) exist in marriages that come to struggle with sexual orientation issues. In between the telling of various "stories" of this couple or that are explanatory and interpretive sections. My wife and I have yet to find ANY anecdote or story that parallels our lives closely enough to feel "at one" with that particular couple so it can be difficult to feel you can transfer much from the direct experience profiled in these stories. The most helpful parts of Amity's book were the explanatory and interpretive sections for us. "The Other Side of the Closet" is available at AbeBooks.com (Amity Buxton).
A wife newly confronted with the awareness of sexual diversity in her husband's personality is likely to desperately want to find a beacon of hope that will reassure her there IS a way through the tangled thicket of mixed orientation "stuff." She would probably like to find tips on how to think about things, how to explain things, how to make things work, and/or how to recognize when things won't or can't work.
Diversity of sexual orientation as well as sexual non-exclusivity (especially outside homosexual activity) in one or other of the partners in a marriage is not well tolerated in this society. The great majority of marriages that come to deal with a gay or bi husband break up immediately if not eventually. Many times the straight wife goes to a place of panic and just doesn't/can't come back. Other times the gay/bi husband just can't bring himself to stay in touch with his wife and keep her included in some way. Some couples try valiantly for a while, but ultimately tire of doing the hard work of keeping a mixed orientation relationship together. And a few stay together and even manage to thrive! These books /studies reflect the reality that the majority of the couples profiled don't keep their marriages together. So they can feel pretty hopeless and dark because the majority of couples and situations profiled in them end up in broken marriages.
The definitive book for a straight wife newly trying to deal with the open expression her husband's sexual diversity isn't out there, or at least I haven't found it. Amity Buxton's study in progress may be a great step towards that end.
You write that your wife is not ready to go to a support group or counseling yet but is ready to read about it.
My wife and I found, from the very beginning, the most encouragement and help from direct, personal contact with other people who were trying to deal with the same issues we were. We didn't often find people who had the exact same "load" we did, but it was a real encouragement to feel we weren't alone in it all. Also, usually the insight we gained into other's lives made us appreciate our own situation more and be glad we weren't trying to deal with some of the other things we heard about and saw.
Amity Buxton has her finger on a pretty complete network of contacts all over the country. You might email her, tell her where you are and see if she knows of anyone she might be able to recommend to contact---or to have contact you. Her email address is: divr01e@prodigy.com
Sincerely,
Fred
Sam, commenting on Fred's recommendation, writes to Mike about his own experience
Mike,
We are long-term survivors and thrivers. I cannot predict the future, but my wife and I lived together (with me out to her) for about 6 years, then we married and have remained together for another 8 years while producing a wonderful daughter. Some gay men are versatile, and some straight women are confident enough in themselves to make this work. Sex is important, but it is just a facet.
I am carefully and with deliberation trying to resolve the incongruities that my life has left in its wake. It is not easy. There are no simple answers. Resolving one incongruity by creating others is usually not a good solution, but it must be remembe red that this should be more a matter of the heart than the analog of a network optimization exercise. The further out I crawl, to others and in some ways to myself, the more my heart is telling me things that make me uncomfortable. If comfort blinds, th en all else being equal, adjusting to daylight is a good thing. If only all else were equal...
We could not identify with the generally weak personalities in "The Other Side of the Closet". It helped my wife to read it for no other reason than to understand, by contrast, our strengths, and it helped me to appreciate her all the more. I did locat e a copy of "Uncommon Lives" online and await its arrival having very quickly exhausted the resources of the local public library.
If you or someone in your family is concerned about the religious implications, look for the book "What the Bible Really Says about Homosexuality" by Daniel Helminiak [available at AbeBooks.com (Daniel Helminiak)].
So, Mike, there is hope for you and your wife. You can't lead a happy and fulfilling life with someone else without making compromises, and you can lead a happy and fulfilling life without having "a man" in it. What is dangerous is when the compromises cut through to the core of your being, as when you are not open with your spouse. You can decide that what you have is more important to you than what you don't have, or you can decide that what you have is empty without what you don't. (Read the subtext : happiness is a decision, not an uncontrolled emotion.) No generalization will help you figure this out for yourself, but then human creativity knows no bounds either.
Please share your thoughts as you develop them, Mike. Wanting to keep a heterosexual marriage together is not real popular around these parts, but that needn't keep us from talking about it. (And sharing some of these exchanges with our spouses.) Perhaps we are writing the book.
Sam