[Jennifer writes to the Straight Spouse Support Group about the threats to marriage posed by bisexuality and infidelity.]
I wonder if bisexuality, in itself, or even our husbands' acts of infidelity are the real source of our problems.
Think for a moment. If there was never any deception, any deceit, any withholding of information, any acting unilaterally, any breaking of promises ---if you really were sure that your spouse would negotiate with you agreements about their sexual/love life with others which you could absolutely trust them to keep. And at the same time, if you could trust them to deal lovingly with your needs and feelings -- to back off from a new relationship for a time if it was making you feel insecure, to make chang es slowly, to be sure to do the things which made you feel better about their other loves, like spending extra intimate time with you before or after seeing someone else, or telling you things, or not telling you things, or only seeing people who knew and accepted/respected you, or whatever was important to you. If all this were true, how painful would the nonmonogamy be? How much of the pain is your spouse wanting sex/love with another partner, and how much of it is their not being serious, committed, tr ustable in your relationship?
These are real questions, not rhetorical ones -- I really wonder. I am beginning to believe, more than I ever did before, that a good part of the jealousy and pain can go away when the trust and care and fidelity are there.
[Another wife, Maggie, responds to Jennifer:]
I think that what hurts me is not his bisexuality. The primary reason that he left is that he let another person come between us, and he has chosen to work at a relationship with him rather than with me. He is still clinging to the idea that because he is bisexual we couldn't work it out. (I'm sure that is this is easier for him to believe, as it absolves him of responsibility.)
The reasons why it is over for me:
- He cheated on me with countless men for 4 out of 5 years of marriage.
- He lied repeatedly about where he was and what he was doing.
- He deceived and dissembled rather than being honest.
- He would disappear in the middle of the night after we had gone to bed and I would awake and find him gone.
- He brought his lovers to our home and involved them 'as close friends' in our life together.
- He has been employed less than 50% of the time (his choice).
- He had his lovers in our home and in our bed while I was at work and he was home playing 'Mr. Mom' to our daughter during her first year.
- He wasn't willing to do 'the work' necessary to work it out.
- I wasn't enough.
There is more, but I'm sure you get the idea and besides 'what's the point'? This of course makes him out to be some kind of monster, but it is really just the behaviour of a very immature, irresponsible and possible obsessive/compulsive individual (wh o just happens to be very sweet and supportive at the same time - go figure). I felt close to divorce many times before I knew he was bi/gay or even suspected that he was having affairs.
Before we married I asked only two things of him:
SHOW UP (be in the relationship)
AND
DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU ARE GOING TO DO
His inability to handle either one is the reason we are not together. I know for sure that I could have lived with responsible and respectful non-monogamy, if he would have at least kept the vows to love, honor and cherish.
I guess this is long winded, but I've really wanted to get that out. If any of the straight spouses can consider themselves fortunate, it is the ones whose spouses are willing to "do the work".
[Having read the preceding Forum letters, Jean responds:]
Maggie and Jennifer...may I join in?
I just found out that my husband has been having gay encounters at a place here in town. It is strictly oral sex but it does not matter to me. To me, it is a gay activity. I found out through credit card statements; looked this place up in the phone bo ok and found out that it is a gay bath house. I have to be honest and say that he had told me before we were married that he had had encounters while in Vietnam and that it was past history. I was a fool and believed it. As you can see I am totally devast ated! It has only been one week since I have found out and I am a mess! I simply do not understand it!
I am more angry at the deception rather than the acts themselves. This has gone on for two years based on the credit card statements. We have only been married since Oct 94. This started happening only a few short months after we were married. Oh, yes, he is very remorseful but I feel no pity. He told me that it would have kept occurring had I not found out! So, he is just upset cause he's been caught! I feel like this...every chance I had for happiness has been violated, stolen or whatever you want to call it!
I was given no options! I used to agonize, cry and carry on, thinking it was me! But I dealt with it thinking he loved me anyway and that with time he would come around! The SOB let me suffer! I used to beg him for answers, and all I was ever told was that it was not me! Yet he didn't volunteer anything.
I do not pity the men who can't seem to decide. My advice to them is to not get married. Love? It is not love when you choose to hurt someone. It is pure selfishness!
So, yeah, sure you guys are afraid to come clean! Hell yes you are frightened of losing the one you supposedly love! I don't feel sorry for any of you! If you get excited by either sex, figure it out! For all you women out there trying to cope as I am, my heart goes out to you!! All I can say is that this girl is one strong person and I do not want or need a man that is too weak to figure the shit out! If I was deceived about this, chances are, I've been deceived about a whole lot of things! Yes! I am angry! Now I am the one left with knowledge, the one that has to cope and pick up the pieces. The good thing is that I found out before it is too late. I can and will go forward and make a new life for myself and find a man who wants to share a life with me rather than shutting me out and keeping me as a housekeeper, mother or whatever, not at all a wife. Thanks for letting me vent!