I have been reading here for about a month now and have benefited a great deal by all of your letters. Mostly everything I read here applies somehow to our lives.
Dan and I have been married for almost 22 years. We waited for me to turn 18 and he was 26. He was a close friend of two of my brothers and they talked me into dating him. Our relationship was comfortable. He begged me to marry him. Kept asking over a nd over, finally I said yes. There were rumors that he was gay. But after we made love the first time, I felt sure it couldn't be true!
We had 3 beautiful children and he was a wonderful father and supportive husband. He was always there for me. But...there always seemed to be a part of him that he wouldn't let me into. I can't really explain it. It was like a distance.
After the third child came along, we had a huge falling out and were approaching divorce. I was whining to my brother one night about how Dan was so perfect and would be able to get the kids in a custody battle. Well, at this point, my brother informed me that they were having an affair and it was going on since before we were married. He also stated that he would go to court with me to win the kids. Needless to say I was shocked and appalled that all of this was going on behind my back. When I confron ted Dan, he lied and had my other brother back him up. So, finally I believed Dan and went on with the business of marriage and raising the kids.
About 5 years later, the other brother came clean about their affair since before we were married also. All three of us confronted Dan. He couldn't lie anymore!
After his admission, I told him I would stay, raise the kids and then leave. That is the way we lived for many years. I didn't trust him as far as I could throw an elephant and he knew it. I felt like our marriage was all a dirty little joke, that he was probably repulsed every time he had to touch me. I compared it to if I had to make love to a woman. That thought repulses me and I thought I repulsed him because he was really gay.
When we signed on the Internet, our computer was going bonkers and I had to take it to the shop. The tech showed me the history file and when she walked away, I was looking at all the gay web sites he had been in. This brought the issue up again. Along with the accompanying pain and accusations. We split up again, only this time, I had given up! I couldn't fight anymore.
The next day, he wrote me a letter and for the first time in 22 years, he told me he was bisexual and that when he met me he fell in love almost immediately. That was the way things really seemed. He said he wants me and is sexually satisfied but he has "this interest". He said he was tired of living with the mistrust and wanted to kill himself. At that point, I was dazed and didn't know what to think.
I got on the Internet and typed bisexual and married and your website came up.
The more I read, the more I realized I was reading my life story. The men who spoke of loving their wives and their marriage and their kids. How what they are after (from either sex) is love. At that point I realized that he does love me. That I don't repulse him. That our marriage is not so "different".
The next day, we had a long talk and another one the following day. He said that he is satisfied with just porn and fantasy. I offered to help with his fantasies to make them more sexually fulfilling. I asked if he wanted to see men. I asked what he ex pected of me. I told him what hurts me the most is the brothers and that any sexual relationship with them is unacceptable.
Ever since that turning point our relationship has been better than ever before. Our sex life has been wonderful and satisfying. I don't constantly check up on him. I trust him. For the first time since I got the news about the first brother, I can tru st him. I told him, I just can't take the constant deceit. He swore to be honest in the future. Every time he is away from me I wonder what he's up to. But, I wipe it out of my mind and I calm down. When he wants to be alone, I respect that.
What brought us back together was honesty. What increased my understanding of my situation was this website. This website saved my marriage and maybe...my husband's life! Thank You all for your candor. You're helping more people than you know. I hope this letter helps someone else.
Kris