Greetings,
First, I must express how encouraging it has been to find this forum on the web. I’ve been looking for a similar support group in my area, but without success. I have found a great deal of comfort in reading other people’s stories, and realizing that I am not alone, that the demon that haunts me haunts others as well, that others shares my anguish and despair, and that although the road will not be easy, there may be hope.
My past is not unlike the accounts of others on this forum. I have always known, since a very young age, that I was different, that I was attracted to men, and consequently I’ve lived most of my life with fear, guilt, and self-loathing. I know also that my sexual identity crisis has kept me from making friends, and leading a normal social life. I could never face the truth about myself, or tell my family or friends, and certainly not explore that kind of life. I did experiment in my early college years, on a very limited basis. Enough to know that I was indeed gay, and enough to know that anonymous sex, devoid of any emotion or personal connection, left me feeling empty and lonely. What I yearned for was not sex with a man, but a loving, intimate, and sexual relationship with a man.
Believing that a gay relationship was not only wrong, but completely out of the question, I did what was expected of me. I dated women, eventually married, and had a family. So, does that make me bi, and not gay? Damned if I know! The marriage wasn’t a total lie; I did (and still do) love my wife. There was something to our relationship, and for many years it has sustained me, and I allowed me to keep my deepest feelings nicely suppressed in the darkest little corner of my being. My life was one of contentment, not fulfillment. I was sexually pacified, not sexually satisfied. I could have lived the rest of my life in this way, and I would have died wondering about the life I never knew.
But that life of contentment has come to an end. For many years, my wife has suffered from depression and alcoholism, to the extent that the past 10 years of my life have been an emotional hell. Time and time again I have picked up the pieces of our lives, supported and cared for her, been there for my sons, and kept the family together. The last round of depression and binge drinking simply pushed me over the edge, and the resentment that has been building for years has finally burst within me. The details are unimportant; and better left for Al-Anon (been there, done that!). The relevance to this forum is the slow erosion of our relationship, and the destruction of the ‘contented’ world I knew. I slowly, and very painfully, realized that I was merely ‘existing’ my life, and not living it.
I believe that my sexuality would have eventually surfaced; I could not have remained closeted forever. I don’t know if recent events have hastened the crisis, to the point where I exploded; or instead, if years of marriage simply delayed the crisis.
Also, just because life isn’t fair, and it seems I needed a little more on my emotional plate, I’ve fallen in love, with a straight, male friend. Ahhh… what perfect timing! This is not in response to any recent events in my marriage, and I’m not grabbing for the first guy I see due to my emotional state. These feelings emerged nearly a year ago, but in my ‘contented’ world, I could stuff them down. His friendship means more to me than anything in the world, and I know I would only jeopardize that friendship by trying build it into a relationship. Of course, knowing this doesn’t make the feelings go away. My whole life is now in crisis. My marriage is in trouble, and will never be what it once was. My sexuality continues to haunt me, and I live with the yearning and anguish for a love I cannot have, and the despair that I will never find it. How can I explore the life which was forbidden, and to fill the empty place in my life, without hurting my family? How can I find the peace of mind to openly tell a friend of my feelings for him?
I feel on the verge of emotional collapse. I have seen the signs of depression in myself before, and they are building now. It has affected my relationship with my sons, to the point that I cannot interact with them without feeling like they bear some blame. There is tension and unease with my wife; she knows something is wrong, and not talking about it is unfair to her. It is also affecting work, and what little social life I have.
The only way I know to survive this is to divide and conquer. Otherwise, I’m heading for another breakdown (yep … been there, done that too!). By ‘divide and conquer’, I mean I must either resolve or eliminate each issue, one at a time. By doing so, I free up the mental and emotional resources to face the next issue.
To that end, I have sorted the issues over in my mind. First, I identify what I can change, and what I cannot. For the things I can change, I must ask myself three questions:
Am I sure change is what I want?
Who will be harmed by the change, and is it worth the price?
Do I have the courage to change it?
For the things I cannot change, I must decide:
If there is there a middle ground, where I can accept things as they are, knowing they will never change, and be at peace.
Or, is it so painful that the only answer is to distance myself from it?
I have taken the first of many painful steps. I have come out of the closet and been honest with my friend, about what I am, and how I feel toward him. I expected anger, rage, and rejection (and probably even a black eye), instead I found compassion and understanding. It doesn’t hurt any less that he cannot be the one, but at least I have someone I can talk to, and that’s probably more important anyway. Telling him lifted a tremendous weight off my mind, and gave me the courage to take on the next step, which was to tell my wife.
I told her partly because I must resolve the issue, and not suppress it further, but also because I know that she is trying very hard to get her depression/alcoholism under control, and save the marriage. I told her after the last drinking binge that something had to change, and that I could not continue to live like we were. I think it was a wakeup call to her, and she is genuinely trying to sort out her own issues, and find ways to deal with them rather than drown them. I don’t know if I did the right thing. It may have only hurt her, and solidified the fact that our lives will never be the same.
As for real change, my options are very limited. The reality is that I will do nothing to hurt my family. I will not walk out on them, and subject my sons to a broken home. I will not have a lover on the side, and subject the whole family to my unexplained absences or sneaking in late a night. For now, I see no other alternative than to go back to a life of ‘contentment’, and suppress my feelings.
Ben