I have been surfing on the internet all morning and I finally found you. I am so grateful to find at last something that I can relate to. I am on "the wife"-side of this kind of life stories. I have lived 18 years with the man I love, the father of my two sons. Two days ago, he told me that he is bisexual, and that he has been in a lucky relationship with a homosexual man since June.
My personal life story has taught me the fundamental importance of one's identity, of knowing who you are. I am (painfully) happy for him that he has finally found himself. He says that he feels whole. I do understand that. I admire his courage to finally be honest with himself. I am also (painfully) happy that he told me who he is and where he is in his life. I love him even more for that honesty. For me it is a declaration of love, of friendship, of respect.
I would have been more devastated if I found out that he did not have enough confidence in me to be able to tell me about so fundamental things in his life. I am (painfully) happy that he had the chance to find a man who seems to have been extremely kind, gentle, respectful of me and at the same time intelligent and articulate enough to challenge my husband's fears, cowardice, and at times stupidity. We talk a lot, we cry a lot, we are mentally and physically closer than ever, at least for now.
Where am I right now? I concentrate all my efforts in giving him the security and the "space" that he needs to continue his work on himself. I assure him that I will never challenge who he is. It is for me extremely clear that I would lose him immediately if I asked him to choose. Not necessarily because he is more in love with this man, but because he could not live with my denying who he is. His newly won true identity is too important, too precious.
So the only option for me at this point is to let him both be at home and live his other love. My conditions: simplicity and honesty. Simplicity: no stupid excuses for coming home late or not coming home. Just say: I am with K. tonight. Honesty: by that I mean honesty and respect both with me and that man.
My needs are at the moment limited to being at all times confident that my husband is with me because he loves me, because he wants to, not because he feels that he should. I also want him to take his lover's needs seriously. I need to be sure that he is honorable and responsible with his other love and I do need to see him honest with who he is. I cannot see that it is fair that he keeps his lover as a secret lover. It is unfair for the lover's feelings. And it would be an expression of guilt.
I love my husband. I am confused because I cannot feel many limits for my love. I feel that my love is irreversible and that I can accept his expanding his "love field,” provided he is as honest in both his loves. I know that we have to take one day at a time. I am extremely frightened to lose him. He is my lover of course, but even more he is my best friend. I feel that I will bear very much of the responsibility for whether we will grow or destroy precious feelings. I have concentrated my energy so much on him that I have not started much work on myself yet. I imagine that I kid myself on several points, but I don't know where yet. I don't know how much I can trust myself. Life is really not for amateurs! I don't expect a response to this email. But if you do respond, be kind. I am a little shaky right now.
Susan responds:
I, too, love my husband of 22 years and felt a real friendship as well. 9 days ago I discovered he was gay and had been cheating for 4 years. All the while, having sex with me regularly without a condom. Fortunately, he used a condom with his other partners and I am STD free. My overwhelming feeling is sadness.. I can't even work up anger. Unlike you, I can't imagine having sex with him again. It's just fundamentally a changed relationship. I like him, I love him, I'll miss sex with him immensely. But I simply do not see him in a heterosexual way. He says that had I not discovered his secret, he was very happy the past years having me as loving wife and casual sex on the side. He says he has no desire for a loving relationship with a man. I think he's just still crawling out of the closet. Once out, he'll find someone he wants to be with. It's just so damn sad...for him, for me, for our children. I can' t imagine a life without him; but I know I can't be with him in a sham marriage. Of course, he wants to keep our life: it's comfortable, and easy. That is not love, it's narcissism.
Good Luck to both of us,
Susan
Lisa responds:
I'm drawn to tears with both empathy and admiration for you. I have been married to a man for 10 years and have 3 children with him. It has been difficult in some cases but from the beginning I have had suspicions that he may be bisexual. My heart tells me that he is hiding something, but until he trusts me enough to be honest with me, I feel we could never reach a true level of intimacy. I admire you, for you have truly a gift of selflessness. I could never pass judgment on anyone, for it is the soul process, that reminds us daily, of our power and the daily trials of one's life for true spiritual growth. Just take one day at a time.
Eventually you will need to let go. But remember, when you do, it will be on your terms, your way....The Way, 1 Peter verse 3 ... Please read! you are truly a beautiful woman and you have given me strength and wisdom through your story.
I hope to hear from you again. And to Susan, I understand your point as well, how do we measure, Martyr vs Abuse of a narcissistic personality. I have one in my life and it can be emotionally devastating.
Lets draw support from one another.
Lisa