I am 44, married for the 2nd time to a wonderful woman. About 5 months ago, I told her of my attraction to men. We have been struggling and in pain ever since.
After all of these months, I don't feel I am any further along. I have trouble talking to my wife about all of this because I feel like I am sticking in another knife every time I open my damn mouth. In addition, I will say what I feel at the time, and she will hang onto it, and then throw it back at me later. For example, at one point, I told her I felt like I was asexual. She apparently held onto that for hope and then threw it back at me when I said I felt I was gay.
I went to a retreat for gay men a week ago and found it very enlightening. There were 16 of us and I felt very comfortable and accepted. Only one other guy was married, but several had been. Needless to say, my wife thought I was going to an orgy or something. Instead, it was a very caring, sharing experience.
On the BMMAmerica group, there is so much talk about setting up acceptable threesomes. Both my wife and I have trouble thinking in terms of that. If it works for some of you, that is fine, but I don't think I could ever be comfortable in that type of situation. I am so tired of causing pain and hurt that I can't stand it. My wife deserves much better than this. Currently I have no sexual attraction to her. We just go through life like zombies. We are both seeing good counselors and I am on Prozac.
Through all of this, I have been able to avoid letting my alcoholism kick in again. Believe me, that has not been easy. We have confided in a few friends and I have told one of my sisters.
My wife and I are very comfortable with our lives with the exception of the sexuality. She is a very sexual woman, and I can't give her what she needs. At this point, I am just feeling very lonely and unloved. I long to be held and comforted. I probably deep down want someone to just tell me what to do. This has been the longest 2 years of my life.
[Chuck, who attended the retreat that Hal talks about, responds:]
Dear Hal,
This is Chuck from the retreat. In a way I'm glad to see your posting because I've been thinking about you a lot. I've been wondering if you've been able to take some of that weekend back into your daily life. It's important to remember that some deep hurt or emptiness brought all of us to that retreat, hoping that we could find some release, or answers, or direction. All of us hoping to establish a path to some healing, and to muster some courage beyond what we knew ourselves to be capable of.
Having heard some of your expectations of the next year, I want to ask you to please go easy on yourself. Please recognize your accomplishments so far. Please give yourself credit, and please be gentle with your wife and the people around you.
You've been sober 18 months now? Recognize what an accomplishment that is in itself! As I mentioned, I'm not in a program, but I'm not a stranger to AA meetings, so I can tell you, that is no small step. Sobriety is a painful step towards total honesty, and you manage it daily.
Having met you and shared some intimate discussion with you I feel confident in telling you that you are indeed a kind, caring, loving and lovable person, Hal. You are expecting a lot out of yourself, right now. Coming out is an ongoing, lifelong process that you are beginning. It's getting rid of all the lies that you once found comfort in. It's letting your personality show, and becoming the wonderful person that you always knew you were, but didn't think was acceptable.
Please go slowly. Please allow yourself time, be patient with yourself. Please allow your wife time. Try to be at peace with yourself.
From my own experience of the past year and a half of dealing with a lovers coming out process I feel that we want answers, now! We need answers now, to stop the hurting. But we don't always get the answers when we want them, but when we are able to hear them.
Be terrific, Hal, and keep in touch. I want to know how you are doing. I'd hug you if I could.
[Another BMMAmerica correspondent comments:]
Hal, at some point you must make a decision to move on. Acknowledge the pain and hurt your wife is experiencing, accept that she will be bitter at a number of different levels and that time will generally improve things.
My soon to be ex and I went through a lot of processing. Her favorite word was my "total betrayal" of her and my ruining her life and our children's. I took the "cause of everything" whipping boy position for about 2 and 1/2 years and then said Enough, time for everyone to move on.
I also made sure that a group of friends, some mutual with my ex knew what was happening and would be there to support me. I went and found someone who I am totally in love with. We finish our new home this month.
My ex is dating. It's amazing how my going on with my life (while remaining a daily fixture in the lives of my children) helped her to go on with hers.
In my experience, a happy/balanced divorced set of parents is better than many other alternatives.