by Jessi Hempel
I knew something was up when my dad flew from the East Coast to California for a weekend. On the phone, he said he had 'big news' for me. I expected him to tell that he and mom were divorcing, or perhaps they were moving. But instead, as we sat down at a burger joint, he took a big bite of fries and said with a full mouth, 'So I'm gay…'
Shock.
Was this my dad? Five years ago when I came out as a lesbian, he asked, 'Why would you do this?' I was angry then because I thought he was ignorant. I wasn't doing anything—it wasn't my fault that I didn't like boys. But sitting in front of him at the restaurant, I asked, 'Why?'
I was proud of my father for being brave enough come out, but I was also upset. At first, I didn't know why. I mean, I'm not homophobic. In fact, I am a gay activist and I was proud of him for coming to terms with his sexuality.
But then I realized I was upset because he left my mother. My family sold the house in which I grew up. My parents had a messy separation. Then they had new boyfriends. Suddenly, everything changed.
Baby Boom
I am not the only person to have a gay parent. There are at least six to ten million daughters and sons of lesbian, gay and bisexual parents in the United States, according to a 1987 survey from the American Bar Association.
Until recently, most of these children have parents who came out after they were born. But as we approach 2001, we are in the midst of a gayby boom. According to Family Pride Coalition, lesbian and gay parents are having record-breaking numbers of children. Gay parents conceive children through artificial and donor insemination, domestic and international adoption, foster care and surrogacy.
It's never easy when your mom or dad comes out—whether you are seven or 27! That's why it is important to find support through groups such as Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere ( COLAGE). Through COLAGE, I facilitate a youth group for teens of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered parents. Recently we talked about advice we would give to other teens whose parents are coming out:
It's okay to be angry or sad. More often that not, when one of your parents comes out, your life will change. If your parents aren't divorced, they might divorce. If they already are divorced, you might feel trapped in the middle.
Just because your parents are gay doesn't mean you will be. Family Pride Coalition reports that published studies show children raised by gay or lesbian parents are no more likely to grow up gay or lesbian than other children. In my family, I have two younger sisters. I fell in love with a woman, but they both date men.
You're not homophobic if you don't get along with your parent. After my dad came out, he expected us to be best friends. After all, we were both gay. The truth is there are as many ways to be gay as there are to be straight. Beyond our sexual orientation, we have little in common. Some people get along with their parents; some don't.
Get the 411. If you've never known a gay person, it might feel really weird at first. You might want to talk to someone in your school's Gay-Straight Alliance or surf the net for information about coming out. Talk to your parent and be honest about your feelings. Your mom or dad is the same person she or he was before coming out; being gay doesn't change who you are.
Give yourself space. Even if you're totally fine with it, you might not be ready to tell all of your friends or announce it at school. It's not always safe to be gay in our society, and it might not be safe to tell your friends or teachers. Most likely, your gay parent has had years to think about coming out of the closet. So why should you have to deal with it all in one day?
Get Support. There are great organizations like COLAGE that can connect you to other children of gay and lesbian parents. Sometimes when my youth group gets together, we complain about being embarrassed to have friends over the house; other times we go listen to hip-hop and hang out. These friends are very important to me because I don't have to hide any part of myself when I am with them.