Mr. Lyons

March 18, 2019

(continued from March 5 post)

I have never forgotten that conversation, and have often thought back to it when struggling with time management and prioritization. It is still something that is hard for me, but what he said opened my eyes. No matter how much I would like to, I can't do everything. When I try, I am able to get by for a little while, but eventually it catches up with me and I am unable to keep up.

We all have things we would like to do. But we have to make choices. Choosing to do some things and choosing not to do other things is often difficult. The good news is that we can always change our minds.

March 5, 2019

It's March fifth and I have no writing entries to show for the past few days.

When I was given this writing challenge I was so excited! I wanted to write everyday and keep up with the class. I love to write! But here I am five days in with nothing to show for the past three days. My immediate reaction is... "I didn't have time." Hah... I have been here before!

Flashback to 2007... I am a bleary-eyed third year music major in college. I am currently seated at a desk in Dr. Lloyd's Music Theory III classroom. It is quiet, save for Dr. Lloyd's voice and occasional sound of chalk on the chalkboard as he reviews the finer points of the Neapolitan chord. Using every ounce of my strength, I fight to keep my suddenly heavy eyelids from slamming shut and nod my head occasionally to show the good doctor that I am following along and agree that the statements he is making are correct. "Oh yes, Dr. Lloyd, I absolutely see that you lowered the supertonic by a half step there," is what my body language projects... or so I think.

Later, I am speaking to Dr. Lloyd in his office. He is an older fellow, but generally well-liked by the mostly 20-somethings in the music program at UMass Lowell. He wears dress pants and a button up shirt but always with a jacket that doesn't quite seem to match... as if it has been held over from another time. The jackets are usually brown or grey and seem to me that they would be itchy on my neck should I be the one wearing them. They have that rough, pilly texture and appear to be partly wool but I can't be sure.

Dr. Lloyd and I are discussing why I am struggling to keep my grade up in his class. The tables have turned, and his current expression mirrors what mine had been in his class, except that he is actually awake and attentive and not just pretending to be. He is leaned back in his chair looking intently at me, eyes trained on my face slightly squinted as if searching for something hidden behind my facade. He listens to my attempt to explain my struggles to keep up with everything going on. I lay it all on the line... I'm overwhelmed, overtired and fighting a sinus infection. Dr. Lloyd nods as I detail my plight. He says he suspected something was wrong. I haven't seemed like myself lately and he is surprised at my dropping grade. Going on, I explain that I can't seem to catch up and to make matters worse, I've got a classical guitar jury to practice for that I am woefully behind on because I don't have time to practice.

Dr.Lloyd nearly cuts me off with his reply and suddenly straightens. "Well now let's just think about that for a moment," he says delicately, "you have time." My sob story had just come to a crashing halt. Confused, I begin listing off all the things that needed to get done before I could practice. There's clearly no time, I think, flummoxed.

Interjecting again, Dr.Lloyd cuts me off and takes a deep breath. He begins gently... "You have control over the things that you choose to do," he says. "There is a difference between not having time and not finding the time yourself." His voice was soft and filled with empathy, but I also sensed a firmness that had not been there before. He continued...

Time operates the same for all of us, he says, and the choices we make determine how we will spend the time we have. We all make choices and those choices have consequences. Dr. Lloyd said I wasn't just put into school at UMass Lowell and dropped into his Music Theory III class by some divine intervention. I made choices that led to the events that put me where I was at that moment. He finished by saying "If playing your guitar is important to you, you will make time for it."

The hammer had been dropped. I sat there speechless for a moment thinking about what he had said. He was right. There was no retort I could give that I felt could refute his point. Sure, there were reasons I could give to justify my choices and explain why I felt it was best to put off practicing, but they were just that... my choices. It was as if my perspective suddenly zoomed out from the heavy weight of the day to day to do list I had been living to serve over the past semester to the bigger picture of my life and the choices I had made that had gotten me in this mess.

(continued in next post)

March 1, 2019

Yesterday on social media, I saw a post that caught my eye. Someone had taken a picture of a sticky note and put it on their bathroom mirror. The sticky note said “if you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.” Normally, I scroll mindlessly by most of the posts I see on social media only half reading them. For some reason I stopped when I saw this one.

In my life, I have often heard the phrase “you are your own worst critic” from others. They say that I am too hard on myself and that I hold myself to too high of a standard. This isn’t new information for me… it’s something I have been aware of for most of my life. I become embarrassed and upset when I feel that I have not done something well enough. When people tell me that “I am my own worst critic,” I understand why they say it. Although I am aware of my tendency to turn my frustrations inward on myself, I find it difficult to stop.

When I read the statement on the sticky note, it made me think about the things I sometimes say to myself. Instead of saying them to myself, I imagined turning some of those phrases around and saying them to a friend. “You can’t do it.” “You’re not good enough.” “You’re a loser.” I would never say those things to another person, let alone someone who I considered to be my friend.

Rachel always tells me to “be nice to myself.” When she says it, I hear her and I appreciate her support and then I move on. Later, I say mean things to myself without a second thought. After considering how my statements would sound if they came out of my mouth and were directed at another person, I think that something changed. Next time I am frustrated and I say something self-deprecating to myself, will I pause and give it a second thought?