My mental health struggles started in 2001. I was working in the Royal Bank of Scotland as a Service Level Manager, in particular looking after the Executive Staff that worked in in the Bank such as Sir Fred Goodwin, Chief Executive (who was blamed for the Bank’s downfall).

My job was to make sure that they had no technology issues and to resolve them. I’d been pushed into that job due to changes after the bank took over Natwest.

My job of Email Team Leader had been moved down to London and as I didn’t want to move, it meant that I needed to apply for a new job or look outside the bank. I was disappointed as I loved my job – helping others and overseeing a team of 4. Once a year you would be graded by your line manager and I scored the highest mark – meaning a 25% bonus.

I’d been approached to become a Service Level Manager – at first I was flattered. It was a job that people really aspired too. I had doubts though that I had the right skills to carry out the job. My background was an IT Trainer and Microsoft Certified Engineer.

I accepted the job but always felt like a fraud. My self-confidence started to falter - I avoided networking events – I always felt I shouldn’t be there – my qualifications and experience weren’t as good as other peoples – I felt intimidated that I hadn’t gone to University despite the fact that when I left school after 4^th year, I held down a full-time job, part-time job at weekends and went to night school 3 times a week until I was 21.

I went to the doctor explaining that I had no interest in anything, felt weepy and wanted to hide away. She offered me anti-depressants but there was such a stigma against mental health at this time I didn’t want to take them.

I had my first panic attack at the bank. I’d been given the Chief Executive’s laptop to get software added onto it (they couldn’t do it remotely at that point) and the team I’d asked to carry it out told me they couldn’t do it. My cheeks burned and I felt sweat pouring off me. I made my way to the toilets and everything then blacked out – I couldn’t breath. I realise now I could still breath – it’s a feeling of not being able to breath and it panics you more. I was crying hysterically clutching a laptop. Luckily a friend came and rescued me. It was 6 months before I could set foot back into a bank building.

During that time I started anti-depressants which took a long time to get into my system and to find the correct one for me. I had a fantastic supportive doctor who explained that my brain wasn’t functioning properly and I needed the medication to help it. If you had a heart problem you wouldn’t think twice about taking medication would you ?

I’ve had 2 major episodes since then. I will probably be on anti-depressants for life and if it keeps me healthy and stable that’s what matters. It’s part of what makes me and I’m very open about it. I know the signs to look for when my mental health is failing as do my family and friends. Firstly – my sleep is affected – I stop sleeping and can be awake whole nights. Another sign is that I become very teary over the littlest thing – probably due to the lack of sleep. I find myself withdrawing from people and feel they’re talking about me in a horrible way and I think I’m not good enough. When I become like this – it’s important that I reset myself – I try to eat better – no sugary foods, speak to people I trust about how I’m feeling and try to get my sleep sorted out.

My tips for helping yourself are:

Look at the food you’re eating – limit the sugary things and try to eat fresh as possible – avoid processed foods if possible.

Exercise – even if it’s a 10 minute walk every day – the air helps.

Mindfulness – make time for yourself. Stop and take in your surroundings and appreciate the good things in your life.

A Gratitude Journal – A notebook will do. At the end of each day write down 3 positive things that happened and what you are grateful for – no matter how small it is.

Kindness – Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. If you can’t be kind – say nothing.

Look for the rainbow every day – what I mean by this is even when something bad happens – there is usually something positive that comes out of it – you just have to look for it. It may be you’ve learned a lesson that you won’t repeat.

Talk to yourself as though you’re a friend – the thoughts in our heads are always the worst and we wouldn’t have any friends if we spoke to them the way we speak to ourselves.

I hope this has helped you reading this – my door is always open if anyone wants to talk to me about mental health.