971 Commonwealth Ave #3
Sundays 8PM
Welcome to the Sunday 8PM closed mix meeting of Sex Addicts Anonymous. My name is ____ and I will be your facilitator this evening.
This meeting is open only to those who are seeking to stop addictive sexual behavior. There is no other requirement. For the sake of those attending, please feel free to leave at this time if this does not apply to you.
Now let's take a moment of silence to meditate and invite God to our meeting. We'll follow that with the Serenity Prayer.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time. Enjoying one moment at a time. Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace. Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world, as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting, that if I surrender to your will, you will make all things right. That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with you forever in the next. Amen.
(pg. 1 of SAA Green Book)
Sex Addicts Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other so they may overcome their sexual addiction and help others recover from sexual addiction and dependency. Membership is open to all who share a desire to stop addictive sexual behavior. There is no other requirement. Our common goals are to become sexually healthy and to help other sex addicts achieve freedom from compulsive sexual behavior. SAA is supported through voluntary contributions from members. We are not affiliated with any other twelve-step programs, nor are we a part of any other organization. We do not support, endorse, or oppose outside causes or issues. Sex Addicts Anonymous is a spiritual program based on the principles and traditions of Alcoholic Anonymous. We are grateful to A.A. for this gift which makes our recovery possible.
(adapted from SAA Green Book and pg. 58 of AA big book)
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program. They cannot develop a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. There are those, too, who suffer from serious emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But, we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with sexual addiction – cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is one who has all power – that one is God. May you find God now!
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked God’s protection and care with complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery.
1. We admitted we were powerless over addictive sexual behavior – that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other sex addicts and to practice these principles in our lives.
Many of us exclaimed, “What an order! I can’t go through with it.” Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. Our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
(1) That we were sexually addicted and could not manage our lives.
(2) That probably no human power could have relieved our addiction.
(3) That God could and would if God were sought.
(pg. 14-15 SAA Green Book)
Our goal when entering the SAA Program is abstinence from one or more specific sexual behaviors. But unlike programs for recovering alcoholics or drug addicts, Sex Addicts Anonymous does not have a universal definition of abstinence. Most of us have no desire to stop being sexual altogether. It is not sex in and of itself that causes us problems, but the addiction to certain sexual behaviors. In SAA we will be better able to determine what behavior is addictive and what is healthy. However, the fellowship does not dictate to its members what is and isn’t addictive sexual behavior. Instead we have found that it is necessary for each member to define his or her own abstinence.
Since different addicts suffer from different behaviors, and since our sexuality is experienced in so many different ways, it is necessary that SAA members define for themselves, with the help of their sponsors or others in recovery, which of their sexual behaviors they consider to be “acting out”.
This can be a difficult challenge. If we are too lenient with ourselves, we might not get sober. If we are too strict, we might restrict ourselves from healthy behaviors that we have no need to give up, and an inability to meet our high standards could set us up for relapse. We need the help of other recovering sex addicts, and the reliance on a Power greater than ourselves, to find the right balance between these two extremes.
Our program acknowledges each individual’s dignity and right to choose his or her own concept of healthy sexuality. We have learned that our ideas of what is healthy and what is addictive evolve with experience. In time, we are able to define our individual abstinence with honesty, fairness and gentleness. This process is a valuable exercise in our recovery. It requires us to carefully examine all of our sexual behaviors, decide which ones are healthy or addictive, and note those cases where we’re not sure. It is a way of taking stock of our sexuality that teaches us a lot about ourselves and our behavior.
Our Seventh Tradition holds that SAA ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions. If you would like to contribute to the finances of this meeting, please consider donating any amount to our PayPal account: paypal.me/symphonychurchsaa. The finances will be used for meeting materials such as printouts, books, and literature available for all attendees to borrow or use. We currently have $0 in the account. You may also volunteer to moderate a future meeting by talking to David or e-mailing symphonychurchsaa@gmail.com. The only requirement is that you have attended at least 6 meetings and consistently maintain sobriety of at least 1 month.
Now we will proceed with intros, checkins, and acknowledging sobriety birthdays. If you are a newcomer, feel free to identify yourself. This is to welcome you and to acknowledge the courage it took to get here. We generally recommend you come to at least 6 meetings before committing to the SAA program.
Sample Sharing Template:
Hi, my name is ______ and I am ________.
My inner circle behaviors are ___________.
Today, I feel physically _______________.
Today, I feel emotionally _______________.
Today, I feel spiritually _______________.
Some highlights of this past week were ______.
Some goals I have for this upcoming week are___.
Additionally, I would like to share about______.
And with that, I'll pass.
Sexuality is a fundamental part of being human. It can bring great pleasure and deep satisfaction to our lives. And yet, non-addictive sexuality has seemed elusive for us. One of the tragedies of our addiction is that we may never have learned to enjoy our sexuality in a healthy way.
In our addiction we experienced sex as compulsive. We felt driven, as if by an irresistible force, to engage in sexual behaviors, rather than freely choosing to be sexual. For many of us, it often seemed that we weren't being sexual to satisfy our sexual needs, but were using sex as a way to escape from reality, cope with anxiety, or deal with emotions we didn't want to face. In our disease we used control and isolation in order to feel safe. We would spend increasing amounts of time in fantasy, which tended to alienate us from others and from a real sense of ourselves. For some of us, our addictive sexuality was centered on power and ego. Our fantasies were about having the power to be sexual whenever, however, and with whomever we wanted. Or we constantly looked to relationships to "fix" us, fill our emptiness, and make us feel wonhwhile. Some of us were abusive to others and treated them as objects. We were unaware of, or failed to respect, others' sexual rights and boundaries. No matter how much sex we had, we still felt unsatisfied. We were afraid of vulnerability and intimacy.
These symptoms of our disease, and many others like them, made deep impressions on us, becoming habitual patterns of thought and action. When we gain abstinence from addictive sexual behavior through the program of Sex Addicts Anonymous, we fmd ourselves still challenged by these patterns, which become more evident to us once we've stopped acting out. For most of us, these symptoms only begin to fade away gradually, through working the Twelve Steps. And as our old way of life and thinking unravels, we are encouraged to explore what healthier sexuality might mean for us. This, too, is a slow and gradual process for most of us. The distonions in our sexuality caused by this disease can be quite persistent, sometimes making it difficult to discover new behaviors that feel healthy.
Some of us have found it useful to choose a period of refraining from all sexual activity as part of our recovery. We decide on a length of time in which we will not be sexual with anyone, including ourselves. This allows for a withdrawal period, when we can begin to discover who we are without the familiar distraction of sex. We need the guidance of our sponsor to decide if and when this is the right choice for us. Our sponsor to decide if and when this is the right choice for us. Our sponsor can help us judge if our motives are healthy and if we have enough support to be successful. For most of us, this is a temporary tool we use for our recovery, but some of us choose celibacy as a fulfilling way of life in its own right.
The Twelve Steps of SM lead to a spiritual awakening. If we remain abstinent and practice the principles of the program in our lives, we may find our attitudes towards our sexuality and our ways of experiencing sex changing as well. For some, this happens quickly; for others, slowly or not at all. In SM, we do not measure the success of our program by the frequency of our positive and healthy sexual experiences. While exploring healthy sexuality is a part of life in recovery for many of us, it is not the primary purpose or goal of SAA. Our program offers freedom from addictive sexual behavior. Where we focus our energy in our new way of life is a choice that is left up to each member.
As SM members, we face diverse challenges in recovery, and our needs, situations, and experiences are diverse as well. Just as we do not define in advance what behaviors constitute addictive sexual behavior for individual members, SM does not endorse any specific definition of healthy sexuality. There is no formula, no single answer to our questions. We can explore this realm whether we are single, dating, or in partnerships. It takes patience and honesty to gain insight into what our needs and desires really are. Our sponsors and other members can support us and share what has worked for them and what has not. For more specific or complex guidance and advice, we may choose to consult a qualified outside professional.
Many of us had extremely intense sexual experiences in our addiction. We know that we can't continue to act out, but we may fear that healthy sexuality will be boring by comparison. The truth is that most of us didn't really experience sex when we were acting out. In our most intense experiences, we tended to be disconnected, lost in a bubble of repetition, fantasy, and obsession. Our disease kept us from being fully present when we were sexual. In recovery, we learn not to let exaggerated notions of sexual excitement prevent us from learning and practicing healthier sexual behaviors.
Many of us recognize healthier sexuality when we experience something very different from what we knew in our addiction. We notice this by the difference in our feelings. We don't feel compulsive, driven, or off in another world. Instead, we are emotionally present during sexual activity. This may seem uncomfortable or frightening, especially at first. By practicing honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness, we are able to discover healthier experiences of sexuality. There are numerous ideas and suggestions about healthier sexuality that have been offered by SM members, based on our experience. Many of us describe our sexual behavior as healthy when we are present, intimate, flexible, nurturing, and appropriate during sex. We are free to consider these suggestions and decide what feels true for us.
We may discover that healthier sexuality begins long before any actual sexual acts, with a change in our emotional presence and connection with others. When we allow ourselves to be intimate with our own emotions, we become aware of how we are really feeling, without judging or censoring ourselves for it. We gradually learn to be honest about our feelings with others, while being open to their feelings as well. In the process, we learn to express our affection rather than seek power and control. To be intimate is to let go of control and begin to have trust-trust in another person, trust in ourselves, and faith in a Higher Power.
When we are safe and emotionally present, we can be flexible. We learn that sex doesn't have to be the same way every time, and that it doesn't need to have a goal. If we are aware of how we' re feeling, we can decide what we want and need. We learn to have sexual boundaries-limits around the kind of behavior we may or may not want to engage in. We also learn to respect the boundaries of others. We find that we experience being sexual as a way to satisfy appropriate sexual needs and desires, rather than as a way to manage anxiety, self-medicate, or escape.
Some of us have experienced the avoidance of sex as addictive, in some cases choosing to identify as "sexual anorexics." In the same way that compulsive starving of oneself, or anorexia, is considered an eating disorder, avoidance of sex can be seen as an addictive sexual behavior. Some of us have found ourselves "shut down" sexually in recovery, afraid of sex because of its association in our minds with our addiction or with past sexual trauma, or because of a fear of intimacy and vulnerability. Trying to control our sexuality in this way is just another symptom of our disease. The solution lies in turning our will and lives over to the care of our Higher Power, knowing that however unfamiliar we are with the challenges of healthier sexuality, we can put our trust in the God of our understanding.
These are all hints, suggestions, and descriptions from the varied experiences of SM members. They are not rules, and they don't all flt for everyone. Part of recovery is acknowledging that we have more questions than answers and allowing room for mistakes. The freedom we gain throu h sexual sobriety helps us to accept differences and to be open to new possibilities.
The promise of recovery is a restoration of self. Sexuality is part of who we are, a part that became lost and distorted through our addiction. When we reclaim the possibility of healthier sexuality, we regain a vital aspect of our being. In our addiction, sex was something we did outside of our "normal" lives. In recovery we try to frnd ways to make our sexuality an appropriate part of life. We also acknowledge what we have lost, grieve the harm we suffered, and eventually come to acceptance about our past, which opens the way for being present today, sexually and spiritually. And as we grow in recovery, many of lllS choose to integrate our sexuality with our spirituality. When we are sexual with love, gratitude, and generosity, sex can be an expression of our highest spiritual ideals. We can use our sexuality to express our love, appreciation, and faith.
The meeting is now open for discussion. You can share about the reading or just get current. To keep the meeting safe, we do not make direct comments about another person's share or give advice.
Please avoid mentioning the name of a Book, Movie, Treatment Center or the Like in your share because this can be viewed by some as "promotion”. It is ok, however, to talk about your experiences with these items. It is also safe to speak in “I” statements, as opposed to “you” statements. Feel free to share more specific information after the Serenity Prayer when Fellowship begins. It is appropriate to reference the reading.
We ask that any Newcomer that would like to share be given the opportunity. Our focus is making you feel welcome and acknowledge the courage it took getting here. We will reserve some time for Questions and Answers at the end of the meeting.
(optional) Please keep your shares to about ____________minutes.
I will help moderate. Who would like to begin?
As a gentle reminder for all of us, anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions. What you heard was spoken in confidence and should be treated as confidential. Please keep the things you heard here in the confines of your mind. Carry no gossip and always remember to place: principles before personalities.
(Ottawa, Canada Hope and Recovery Group)
Through a renewed Relationship with God/our Higher Power, the healing force of recovery will take hold in our hearts. By giving ourselves over to God/our Higher Power and working our program, our lives will become manageable and we will be restored to sanity. We will receive the inner strength and support needed to face our anxieties and fears, and to deal with the painful feelings that feed our addiction.
Relations with Others will improve as we learn to respect our boundaries and allow others freedom to be themselves. Reaching out in trust and connecting with others will come easier, dispelling our sense of isolation and loneliness. Degrading fantasies and obsessive sexual thinking will diminish.
Relating to Ourselves, self absorption will give way to self-discovery; secrecy to honesty; feelings of unworthiness to dignity; and shame to grace. A restored integrity will guide our behavior. We will feel more alive and regain a sense of happiness. We will hear ourselves laugh again and rediscover play. We will embrace change and will grow.
A Spiritual Awakening will free us from the tyranny of our addiction. An awareness of being guided by a Higher Power and supported by caring friends will sustain us. Regret for the past and worry for the future will give way to living for today. We will open ourselves to the amazing possibilities of a life worth living. Our life.
Are these extravagant promises?
WE THINK NOT!
We have seen them fulfilled.
They are ours, if we want them and work for them.
I put my hand in yours and together we can do what we could never do alone. No longer is there a sense of hopelessness. No longer must we each depend upon our own unsteady willpower. We are all together now, reaching out our hands for a power and strength greater than ours; and as we join hands, we find love and understanding beyond our wildest dreams.
Thank you for attending our meeting today! Now it is time for fellowship. Feel free to stick around to chat, ask questions, pass around phone numbers, or get a sponsor.