Armchair Phalpianian was the most renowned historian who emerged from Phalpianian culture. Being one of a handful of insular historians for this unique culture, Armchair studied historiography under the Cànan, a race of intensely literate giantkin, known for their Narrativist culture. This version of the Phalpianian history is but a summation of a longer work, an extensive history which is treasured by the Phalpianian people as a definitive account of their complex history. This brief abridged version is often read during the annual Escape celebration, in order to remind Phalpianians of their history, and to teach their children. Armchair wrote this history while suffering from a condition unique to his race called Phallopniantis, which causes the patient to slowly shrink. He died shortly after writing it.

The (Highly Abridged) History of the Phalpianians

By Armchair Phalpianian

The story of the Phalpianians begins quite humbly. They began as a family of farmers, before a young Phalpianian, formerly known as Jibop, seized control of the local clan. Due to these events, the family of gnomes descends from the line of King (“Jibop”) Phalpianius who was crowned in 10,013 A.T.Y.O.O.E. (After the Year of Our Escape). King Phalpianius brought many revolutionary reforms for the time, including enslavement of children. Phalpianius was renowned throughout the Gnomish land for unifying all the tribes under his single rule. Each clan happily complied after his troops ravished and pillaged all throughout Bangi (although was briefly known as Phalpianianiopolis), the island of the Gnomes. Phalpianians are notoriously proud of their royal heritage, and are known for despising the rule of the following kings, such as King Acacia, who has become universally known as a ruler notorious for ruining everything, by trying to redistribute governmental power. Acacia created a division of city-states which was universally reviled by all the Bangi Gnomish, aside from the notorious revolutionaries, the Prominens.

The city-states soon rebelled and enforced a revival of Phapianian politics. Since then, rulers have become increasingly domineering, such as King Zumbimpoucurechelendte. Yet, the Phalpianian family received little credit, and grew increasingly obscure. Soon the family became one of the most notoriously impoverished in all of Bangi. However, a specific line of the family found profit through a revolutionary form of gambling.

This Phalpianian game, known as “Chippity-Choppity” became a common game in pubs and lower-class household in the 10,100s. But by the time of the first year of the C.D.E. (Cataclysmic Demonic Event), the gambling game became widespread among all gnomes. Soon Chippity-Choppity was the most popular activity to play during the C.D.E., as it only requires rocks and money to play. Again the Phalpianians got no credit or profit from this, and grew to be an increasingly bitter family. The history of the family during the C.D.E. is relatively unknown.

In year 3,000 C.D.E., the Gnomish people were once again removed from what they called home. The island of Bangi itself was completely destroyed by the giant creature known to Bangi diaspora only as “The Destroying One”. The region of Zinnia, where a large family of Phalpianians lived, was flung into the inland sea. The few surviving members of the Phalpianians adjusted to this relocation much quicker than any other Gnomish family of the inland sea, and eventually became the authority of the Gnomes in this region. Badugi Phalpian was the most respected and feared man in all of this small clan. He created a system of trade which relies on Clickety-Clackety, effectively making him the head of all gambling and capital in the clan. All other Zinnian families were integrated into the Phalpianians, as any Gnome from this region will identify themselves as one.

Badugi was soon introduced to Gata, who became recognized as the manifestation of the “God of all lands” in Gnomish religion. The doctrines of Gata are followed by every Phalpianian, and all are made to respect the authority of the one “Phalpian”, the successors to Badugi, who are also revered. But due to constant attack of bandits from the region, almost all Phalpianians are also healers of some variety.

Phalpianians are known for holding hierarchies as God-ordained, and gambling as the one true recreational activity. They are often seen as rude and arrogant, which only serves as encouragement for them. In fact, many consider the clan of Phalpianians to be evil. But due to the strict power hierarchy in this culture, the people have experienced a flourishing of intellectual culture as well, known as the “Gnomsis”. Phalpianians may be known as rude and domineering, but they are undeniably sophisticated for their region. So, next time you meet a Phalpianian, make sure you respect their heritage, for they do not take their namesake lightly.