Hi, honey, you're home early. You didn't get fired, did you?
No, sweets, I had a strange day. Weird case, and after that I just couldn't get my head together again. I'll tell you about it right after I fix myself a double.
Aahh, that's better. So here's what happened:
Guy walks into my office and says "I want to sue."
I say "Doesn't everyone? Well, you've come to the right place".
So I look at him more closely. Flowing robes, fierce dark eyes, bushy black curly hair, black beard, looks like an Arab who just parked his camel outside. Not your typical customer, but these days you never know.
"What do you want to sue for?" I ask.
"Defamation of character, libel, copyright violation, things like that. You're the lawyer; that's why I'm here".
"OK, then who exactly are you?"
"I'm Jesus".
I'm thinking "That's great, and I'm Napoleon". But something about him keeps my attention.
"Look," I say, "I'll play it straight for a moment. You don't look like Jesus. You don't have the long blond hair, the blue eyes, the calm, gentle aura that Jesus has. You just don't look like him."
So he says: "Thanks for making my case for me. Do you think I'd look like a Haight-Ashbury hippie from the sixties? Maybe you remember that I was a Jew first, born in Bethlehem. You know where that is, and it's not Sweden. They called me rabbi. Have you seen a lot of rabbis with long blond hair and blue eyes lately?"
I had to admit that he had a point there.
"Do I need to turn that glass of water into wine, or what?"
"OK, so who do you want to sue?"
"Well, just last week I read about a crazy man, a murderer that said Jesus told him to kill. It's obvious that I didn't do that, that I wouldn't do that. And he hasn't been the only one."
"No case," I say. "If he's insane, then he's not accountable under the law."
"What about people that put words into my mouth, like the WWJD crowd? How do they know what I would do? They don't ask and they misinterpret everything. They even make jokes about what kind of car I would drive."
I had to think for a moment. He meant What Would Jesus Do.
"What about the people using my name when it's not called for? I'm supposed to stand for love and kindness, but when these people get exasperated or angry they yell out 'Jesus H. Christ'. I don't even know what the H stands for."
He was in high gear now, impossible to interrupt.
"Those born-agains claiming me as their personal savior. I never gave them the OK to believe or say that. They delude themselves and then they shout their delusion to the world. That's clear and simple misrepresentation."
"What about the proselytizers on streetcorners hawking me like cheap jewelry? What about the televangelists selling me like a piece of gym equipment? They talk humility and feast on ego; they live in luxury while they preach about someone who lived simply."
"You've even had a president who claims me as his favorite philosopher. Then he and his cohorts neglect all the poor and downtrodden, the people I tried to help. All it shows is that he doesn't understand philosophy and he doesn't understand me."
"Well," I say, "if you try to sue politicians for what they say, then you've got a serious problem. Everybody knows they exaggerate and lie. I suppose you want to sue organized religion and the churches too?"
"It wouldn't be a bad idea," he said, "given their history. There's just so much hypocrisy, and so much of 'my god can beat up your god' in them. But that's too big for me; that's for a higher authority to chase. I just want to protect my own good name. Will you take my case?"
So are you going to?
I don't know yet. There's just something about him, and he's got a point, actually lots of them, but legally, he doesn't really have a case. I said I'd talk to him again tomorrow. I don't think I'll sleep too well tonight.
Peter E. Schmidt
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