What if this is goodbye
"Alex, can I come in?" Kato's voice accompanied a knock on the door.
Alex rolled himself onto his back and lifted himself into a sitting position. "Yes, of course." He closed the manga he was reading and frowned. He hadn't seen Kato in three whole days. The bastard had been avoiding him, and now he was knocking on the door of his own room.
The door opened and Kato came through it. He closed the door and ran his fingers through his red bangs.
Alex could see a purple bruise on Kato's temple. He had overheard from others that Kato had been a bitch the last few days and they attributed it to Alex's attempt to go home. Alex didn't feel the need to tell them about what happened after James delivered him into Kato's hands, the true reason for Kato being a bitch. He crumpled a fold of the blanked between his fingers.
"Don't worry. I won't hurt you. I just came to talk."
"Oh." Alex tucked his legs underneath him and bit his lip. His eyes drank in the sight of Kato, who looked a little tired but as gorgeous as ever. He missed him-- even after everything that happened, he missed him: his presence, his smell, his touch, and his warm arms that held him at night.
"I brought you this." Kato closed the distance between them, put an envelope that Alex hadn't noticed him carrying on the bed, and stepped back.
Alex inched closer to the edge of the bed and picked up the envelope. Inside was an airplane ticket for Slovenia, a round-trip ticket with a departure three days from now and with a return date a little more than three months away. He looked at Kato.
"I know you hate me now and that you are afraid of me."
Alex laid the ticket down on the bed and put his hands in his lap. He didn't hate Kato, he still loved him very much Kato's behaviour might have scared him at the time but he wasn't afraid of Kato and he knew that even if Kato would have delivered that punch he would feel the same as he did now. At the end, he had hit Kato and reciprocating would be somehow expected, understood.
The real problem for Alex was that Kato wanted to force his will on Alex, when Alex wasn't about to indulge Kato like he did before.
"I'd like for you to take this as a three month, paid vacation. I hope that that is enough time for you to think things through, that you will find it in yourself to forgive me and return back to Japan."
"Kato-"
"And if you don't…" Kato titled his head down and put his hands into his pockets. "I will respect whatever you decide."
Alex nodded, he agreed, because old habits were hard to break and because Kato was looking so down and shy. He even knocked on his own door and he was careful to maintain a proper distance between them.
And because Kato for once respected Alex's wishes.
xxx
"Please, Alex, reconsider." Siva stood by the door of the cabinet. "You still haven't meet Andi and you are going to miss the tour with us."
"There's nothing to reconsider." Alex stared into his suitcase. With his hand he smoothed the edge of a shirt that was peering out from underneath the toilet bag, before he closed the suitcase and zipped it up. "You will introduce Andi to me some other time and I was never to go on the tour with you. Kato was going to send me to Miko and David's spa."
"Kato?" Siva turned toward Kato who was sitting on the bed.
"What?" Kato looked up.
"Do something."
"Siva, stop it." Alex sidestepped the suitcase and lifted it up. He tried not to look at Kato. With the way Kato had been avoiding him the last week, it was a small wonder that he even appeared to say goodbye, and he supposedly loved him.
"But it's so sudden."
It wasn't sudden. Not really. It was inevitable since that incident. "I thought you already knew. That Kato told you." Alex went by Siva and put the suitcase down by the door, beside his other one.
"He didn't," Siva said and he turned toward Kato.
"I didn't tell anybody." Kato stood up. "And besides, he is only going on vacations."
That wasn't entirely true. Alex readjusted the band on his low ponytail and then looked at his watch. "I think it's time to go." He took a small bag from the bed and put it on his shoulder, across his chest.
"I guess." Kato said, he closed the distance between them and grabbed one of the suitcases.
"Can I go with you two?"
Kato looked at Siva, a dark look flashed in his eyes.
"I guess that means no." Siva pouted, he hooked his arm around Alex's. "Let me help you with your luggage then and give you a proper goodbye. Maybe even 'french' you." He smirked in Kato's direction. "I'm joking, I'm joking, stop looking at me like that. I have Andi, remember?"
Siva walked with them toward the apartment door where James was already waiting. He pulled Alex into a bear hug and he did kissed him, but on his cheeks. "Take care of yourself and have your phone by your side, 'cause I'm going to call you and harass you."
Alex smiled and nodded, and then it was time to go.
James drove them to the airport, where Kato arranged to accompany Alex through customs and that a small waiting room was at their disposal. They sat there in silence. A TV was playing in the background and the minutes ticking away.
Alex had his hands on his knees and his shoulders slouched. Here and there he peeked at Kato who sat beside him and was fidgeting with his fingers. Why has Kato even come with him? And why was Kato fidgeting with his fingers?
Kato was slowly inching out with his hand until the side of it touched Alex's, and then he gently took Alex's hand in his. "I'm going to miss you."
Alex looked at their hands, they fit so well together and Kato's palm felt so warm against his. Why did this feel so right even after everything that happened? He didn't want to go, not really. He just had to before he lost himself in Kato's constants demands. "I'm going to miss you too."
"Why are you leaving then?"
"I have to."
"Why, don't you lo-like me?"
"I do." Alex squeezed Kato's hand in reassurance. "But I like myself too."
"Is this because…. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know that I told you that before and I know that no matter how many times I say it, the words won't fix everything that I did. But you have to know that I'm sorry. Sorry for everything. I behaved horrible and if not for me Kedajin's molestation and your kidnapping would have never happened. And I'm sorry for the way I treated you, I should never have released my anger as I did and then run away, avoiding you as a coward."
"I know that you are sorry and I don't blame you for Kedajin's or Shoji's actions."
"I just hope you would someday be able to forgive me."
"I already forgave you."
"You did?" Kato tugged on Alex's hand and pulled him closer. "Stay then."
"I can't."
"Why not? Why can't you stay? You said that you don't hate me and that you forgave me. So what's the problem?"
Alex hid his face with a tilt of his head. With his free hand he rubbed his eyes. Kato still didn't get it, he would probably never get it. If Kato would only say, if you think that going home is what you need then take as much as time as you need, if he would just for once let him do what he needs to do and hushed his ego, if he would just once think about Alex, not about himself…
When Kato brought that ticket he thought that maybe Kato had finally seen what he needed, but he didn't. He was doing that for himself, to hush his guilt, not for Alex.
Maybe if Kato had at least stayed that time and tried to resolve their problems, if he wouldn't leave their bed and their room, where Alex was all alone when he woke up in the middle of the night without a warm embrace that would chase away the nightmares, and evade him until the last moment, Alex would still be going home, but their goodbye would probably be different.
Kato pulled Alex into his lap and cupped his cheeks. He entangled them into a warm, tender kiss that lasted and lasted, until the lack of air pushed them apart. His eyes were glistening down on Alex. "Stay, please. I have this horrible feeling that if I let you go you won't come back."
"I can't," Alex said on this and on every Kato's repeated request that followed. Kato still held him close, not wanting to let him go even when the hour of the plane's departure had arrived. Alex had to wiggle himself out from the circle of Kato's arms and with a heavy heart he was out of the waiting room and on his way into the plane. Because it was too little too late and because it was time to go home.
Xxx
Alex was sitting on the couch in his living room and staring at the phone that was vibrating on the low table in front of him. It was probably Nina. If she was going to pester him to go on a blind date with her acquaintance again, he was going to…scream. He had told her already that the fact that in the three months that had passed he hadn't had any contact with Kato and that he still didn't know if he was going back to Japan, didn't mean that he was free, available and ready to move on.
With the way Kato was always on his mind, he would probably never be ready to move on. But he also couldn't go back to the way they were.
He picked up the phone. No, the name on the phone's display wasn't Nina's, it was Siva's. He pressed the ok button and leaned the phone against his ear. "Hi."
"Moshi, moshi."
"Hey, I got the goodies from your tour yesterday via mail. Thank you for sending it to me."
"Doitashimashite, you are welcome. It was really nothing."
"If you say so," Alex said. "So how are you? How are the others? How's Kato?"
"That's the reason why I'm calling. Alex, Kato is…" a moment of silence and then: "How quick can you pack?"
"Why? What happened?"
"Kato's in a hospital."
"What? Why?" Alex tightly squeezed the phone between his fingers. His knuckles turned white. What happened?
"Exhaustion. He had trouble with sleeping and he hasn't been eating properly lately. And I guess the tour was too much for him. He held on until it was over and after the last concert he just collapsed."
"Why didn't anybody-"
"Nobody knew." Siva sighed. "So, how quick can you come?"
Well, he could pack in less than half hour, but he had to find a plane that traveled to Japan or at least get one that will get him to the plane that goes to Japan. "I don't know, it depends on the transportation. I'll find out when the first flight is."
"And pack. I'll see if there's something that I can to do from this end."
"Ok." Alex pushed the off button and put the phone back on the table. He leaned down on his left elbow and put his thumb in his mouth. He nibbled on it. It had to be really bad if Kato was in a hospital. He should have been there, he would have noticed if something was wrong with Kato.
If he wouldn't have left…
He frowned. It would have been the same because Kato would have sent him to that spa. But what if…
He stood up. There was no point in thinking over the matters that he couldn't change. He sighed and went to his bedroom and started to gather things to pack.
It only took him twenty minutes to have his suitcase ready and zipped up. After that he went back into the living room, turned on the computer, and went on the local airport's Internet page. The first direct flight was tomorrow at two o'clock. He did find one that left in five hours, but with all stops and switches he would have to make, he would arrive even later than he would with the direct flight. He wished he could use the ticket Kato gave him, but that flight was due at the end of next week
He took the phone and was about to dial Siva's number, when the phone started vibrating and Kato's name flashed on the display.
Kato. Alex's heart started to hammer in his ribcage. "Moshi, moshi."
"Alex?"
"Yeah." Alex pressed the phone tighter to his ear. Kato sounded so tired. "How are you? Are you alright?"
"I'm fine. Just have to rest and eat more."
"Oh." Alex leaned deeper in the couch. "I'll cook you something. If you want me to," and pamper you silly. "There's a plane tomorrow at two-"
"Don't."
"What?"
"I don't want you to come. Siva shouldn't have called you. I don't want you here, not like this."
"I see." Alex pushed his nails into the soft skin of his palm. He winced.
"I just don't want-"
"I understand."
"Do you?"
"Yes, I do." Kato didn't want him anymore.
"Shit. Listen, I have to go, they are threatening that they will take the phone away from me."
So this was a goodbye, Alex felt the need to double over in pain. But what did he expect? Three months had passed, three whole months and this was Kato, the gorgeous Kato, who could have almost anybody. He had probably already found a substitute for Alex.
Alex bit the inside of his cheek. He was so stupid in hoping that Kato might have loved him, like he said that he did. So stupid in believing that Kato would wait for him to make up his mind. He took a deep breath. "Take care of yourself."
"I'll try. Alex, so will you- Damn it, give me back my phone."
"Suimasen, I'm sorry." An unknown woman's voice travelled over the phone. "But Mikumi-sama needs to rest," and with that the line was disconnected.
Alex fisted the phone and wrapped his arms around his torso. So that was that. That was the end. Tears started to fall down his cheeks. It hurt so much. It felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest and stomped on.
He didn't know how much time passed until the silent sobs left his body and with the back of his hand, he wiped his cheeks.
At least now he wouldn't have to break his head over whether or not he should go back to Japan. One less thing to worry about. A dry chuckle escaped from Alex's throat.
What to do now?
He unclenched his fist and stared at the phone that he was holding. There was just one thing he had to do and that was to forget Kato. And the sooner the better. He dialled Nina's number and after her voice greeted him, he said: "You remember that date that you were trying to set? Well, set it up."