What if there are too many whys
Alex reached up; the fabric of the shirt he was wearing lifted to expose the knot tied at the bottom and a strip of skin. He fumbled with the clothes that were on the shelf, pretending that he was very focused on them, when in reality all his attention was on the man that could be seen through the closet door and was sitting Indian style on the bed, sheets of music in his hands.
"Alex."
"Hmmm?" Alex lifted himself on his tiptoes and stretched his body even more.
"What are you doing?"
Alex made another one of his stretches before he descended on his heels again. He faced Kato. "I can't find my Sephiroth's shirt, the one that says: 'Not just another pretty face'."
Kato was now sitting on the edge of the bed, the music sheets laid forgotten on the nightstand.
"It's my favourite." Alex made sure that he removed his hair away from his neck and that the collar of the shirt slipped over his shoulder. He'd spent a lot of time stretching the collar because Kato had this thing for necks and collarbones.
"Alex." Kato reached out his hand.
"What?" Alex stepped out of the closet and closer to Kato, close enough so that Kato's finger could touch him. He sucked in his bottom lip as he tried to look as cute and sexy as he could. In the past, if he wanted to have sex he only needed to lick his lips and Kato was all over him. But now he stretched, he flashed skin, he seduced since the time Kato got home and Kato looked cool as a cucumber, well, except his gaze, which was now burning Alex's skin.
"Why are you wearing James' shirt?" Kato put his palm on Alex's hip and pulled him between his legs.
Alex fingered the shirt's collar and twisted it. "It's comfy." He peeked under his lashes and when he saw that Kato's pants had a little tent, the corner of his lips wanted to curl upward and he had a problem in keeping them down. He discretely pushed himself up on his toes, so that the hand Kato had it on the small of his back slid on his ass.
Kato swallowed and quickly put his palm back on the beginning of Alex's bottom. "It looks comfy."
Alex released the fabric and smoothed it. "And sexy." He bit his lip and with hooded eyelids, hoping for the best, he reached down and slipped his hand into Kato's pants.
Kato moaned, which was in Alex's opinion a really good sign, but then in the next moment he pulled Alex's hand out. He put his hands on Alex's hips, moved Alex a step back and dropped to his knees. He sort of smiled up at Alex and started to pull Alex's pants down.
"No." Alex grabbed the waistband of his pants. He made sure that this time Kato was hard enough to hammer nails, so that he wouldn't be dismissed with a blowjob or being jerked off. Not that there was anything wrong with blowjobs or jerking off, they were quite nice and lovely and all, but after almost two weeks of getting them whenever he showed any signs of wanting sex, he was getting a little frustrated. He wanted to feel Kato's weight on him, he wanted to feel Kato in him and he wanted to have a proper pounding into the mattress, damn it.
Kato lifted himself up on his calves and wrapped his arms around Alex's middle. "Kukki?"
"You don't want me anymore?"
"No, of course I do." Kato pressed his cheek against Alex's belly.
"We don't have sex anymore."
"What do you call this then?"
"A blowjob." Alex wiggled out of Kato's hold. "And I know what you do in the bathroom afterwards."
"Oh." Kato got up and rubbed the bridge of his nose between his fingers. "It's not what it looks like… I mean… it's not you, it's me."
"I see." Alex stepped back. It was not you, it's me in Alex opinion meant just one thing: it was the way somebody broke up with you. Even though if he thought about it, Kato couldn't broke up with him, they weren't dating in the first place. He pressed a hand on his chest.
"No, you don't." Kato stepped forward.
"But I do." Alex's step back. "Naomi's office does all the work now and I have nothing to do anymore, except be your whore-"
"No, you aren't-" Kato reached out for Alex.
Alex evaded Kato's arms. "… But I'm not even that. We don't have sex anymore so how could I be? What I am? An escort? Why are you even keeping me near?" He titled his head. Could it be? "Are you feeling sorry for me because of everything that happened? Do you think that you owe me?"
"I don't feel sorry for you and you were never my whore. Never say that again." Kato reached out for Alex again. "Please, you misunderstood everything."
"I don't think that I did." Alex sidestepped. He blinked the moisture that was in the corner of his eyes away.
"But you did. I just want for you to… I want to make up to you for everything you have been through because of me."
Alex walked to the other side of the bed to put some space between them. If Kato was doing that he was doing a lousy job of it. "By sending me to people that I don't really know? And you didn't even tell me about it." He didn't want the gratitude that Kato might have felt toward him to hold him back from telling the truth. He preferred the truth to being somebody's burden anytime. "If you want to get rid of me, just do it."
"It's not like that." Kato ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm just trying to do what's best for you."
"Of course." What a lie. Kato was doing what was easier for him, not what was best for Alex.
"Kukki, why don't you believe me?" Kato stopped advancing toward Alex, he sighed. "What brought this up? Is it because we don't have sex?"
Alex hugged himself. He felt that now that Kato didn't jump on him like he did before, Alex wasn't wanted like he used to be and that Kato was only indulging him.
"It's me Kukki, it's all my fault. I felt so bad. You were drugged, tired and in shock and I used you." Kato reached out for Alex again and this time Alex didn't draw back. Kato pulled him closer and wrapped his arms around him. "You needed comfort and rest, and I couldn't keep my hands off you. I feel so guilty."
"Guilty?"
"I'm such a selfish person and you were always there for me…and I…now I don't know what to do. I want you so bad, but every time I touch you, I remember, I see how awful I was. And I hate this quilt, I hate the way I treated you."
It was about Kato again, Alex closed his eyes. It shouldn't surprise him because everything was always about Kato. Somehow, after being molested by Kato's ex manager, kidnapped and shot by Kato's brother, after being now locked up into the apartment, forbidden to go out because Kato wanted him to be 'safe', and having people hovering over him all the time because Kato didn't want to be worried, this was the last straw. Couldn't Kato for once think of him and not of himself?
It was like he started to suffocate under Kato's words, which were: me, me, me. Take care of me. Make me feel better. Me, me, me.
Alex swallowed the lump in his throat. When was it going to be about Alex? When was Alex going to be the important one? When was Alex going to be able to take care of Alex? "I can't do this?"
"What?"
"I can't do this anymore. I have to take care of myself, I can't be there for you anymore." Alex opened his eyes.
"What are you talking about?"
"You can't take and take and give nothing back, it doesn't work that way."
"Alex?" Kato took hold of Alex's shoulders and shifted Alex, so he could see his face.
"I'm so tired and I see now…"
"Do you want to go to sleep?"
"No matter how much I try or how much I give you, it would never be enough and I can't make you…" love me. He looked up, his gaze lost in the distance. "I want to go home."
"You are home, Kukki."
"I want to go home in Slovenia," to be with his mom, Nina, with people he knew for a long time and with people who had nothing to do with Kato.
"What?"
"I want to go home in Slovenia."
"In Slovenia? You mean- you are not leaving." Kato's fingers dug into Alex's shoulders. "There's a contract and- you are not leaving me."
Alex looked up. "Kato, I can't do this anymore."
Xxx
Alex looked up at the big clock on the wall of the airport's waiting room. He arrived before nine o'clock and it was now half past ten o'clock, which meant another half hour before his aeroplane departured. He nipped the skin at his fingernail.
Kato was going to be so pissed off when he found out that Alex was gone. He probably wouldn't understand how Alex could have done something like this to him because what Alex wanted wasn't important while Kato's wishes were to be obeyed. He patted his pockets for the passport and aeroplane ticket again.
Well, Kato's not going to be the only one pissed off; when Miko noticed that one of his robes was missing, he was probably going to have a fit. He was very sensitive about his robes and the fact that Alex had to borrow one to get passed the guy that Kato stationed outside of the apartment door and that security guy in the lobby wouldn't mean anything to Miko. It would probably just add to the insult that Alex committed since he used Miko's morning uselessness and David's habit to run in the mornings to his advantage.
Only twenty more minutes.
A shadow fell over Alex, he looked up and for a moment his heart stopped before it resumed beating again, this time with a much faster rhythm. James.
James's eyes were on Alex as he took a phone out of his inner jacket pocket, flipped it open and dialled a number, Kato's probably. "I found him."
Alex remembered when James said those words, but this time he wasn't as happy as before to hear them. He reached down and picked up the small bag, everything that he took with him, and put it on his lap.
"Yes, I'm taking him home now."
Alex hooked his legs around the chair's legs and wrapped his arms around his bag. "I'm not going anywhere." Please, please why couldn't they just let him be?
James put the phone between his head and shoulder, grabbed Alex's arm and pulled it.
"No."
James released Alex's arm. "Boss, he doesn't want to cooperate." He listened to whatever was said then he pressed the loudspeaker button and held his phone out to Alex.
"I'm not talking to him."
"Alex," Kato voice was heard out from the phone, he didn't sound happy. "Stop fooling around and come home."
Alex shook his head.
"He shook his head, boss."
"Just toss him over your shoulder, James, and bring him here. If he's not going willingly, use force but be careful not to harm him."
"You can't do that." Alex looked James. "He can't make you do that, can he?
"I'm sorry," James said.
"And Alex, if you are not on your way here in five minutes, I'll report to the police that you have stolen something. So you better move, " Kato said and if the sound of the disconnected line was any indication, with that ended the conversation.
James closed his phone and pocketed it.
Alex's shoulders dropped, he unhooked his legs from the chair. Why wasn't he brave enough to see if Kato would make good on his threat? Even though, what was worse: spending the night at the police station going through the procedure of clearing the mess Kato might put him through and then face Kato's wrath or just facig Kato's wrath?
James wrestled Alex's bag out of Alex's arms and with his hand on Alex's upper arm he pulled Alex up.
Alex let James lead him out of the waiting room, out of the building, and into the car. There was no point in delaying the inevitable.
He looked out of the car's window and he watched the world go by. Maybe he should have thought over this whole sneaking out of Japan thing more and planned it more carefully, not taking the first opportunity and running. But after he gave up his illusions about Kato and about their 'relationship', it was so hard to stay there, to sleep in the same bed, to feel Kato's arms wrapped around him and knowing that it didn't mean a thing.
They arrived in the garage, went out of the car and into the elevator. James called Kato that they had just arrived in the building while Alex tried to mentally prepare himself for the confrontation with Kato, with emphasis on the try. He felt a big rock in the pit of his stomach, the weight that doubled with each floor that elevator passed. Damn, he wasn't ready for this.
The elevator stopped and the door opened. Alex pressed himself into the wall. Why couldn't the ride last a little longer?
"I'm sorry," James pulled Alex out.
"Why don't you let me go?"
"I can't do that," James said. "And stop being so worried. You are not going to the hanging."
"It's worse." Alex paused outside the apartment's door. "He's angry. He probably feels betrayed."
James unlocked the door, pushed Alex in, and set the bag beside him. "He's in the living room."
"Aren't you coming?"
"No." James closed the door and locked it, leaving Alex in the dark hallway.
Alex, even after he exchanged his shoes for his slippers, dilly-dallied in the hallway. The door of the living room was open and he knew that Kato was inside waiting for him and he knew that with each passing second Kato was probably getting angrier, not calmer. He should just get this over with. He took a deep breath and went through the door.
Kato was sitting on the couch facing the door with his legs apart, with his elbows leaned on his knees, and with his chin in his palms.
Alex could see the tension in Kato's jaw, in the movement of the muscles beneath the skin and suddenly it was hard to breathe. He closed the door and leaned on it.
"Why?"
"I can't be your pet anymore."
"You were never my pet, like you were never my whore." Kato stood up. "I love you."
Alex blinked. Love him. His lip wobbled. Love him! If only.
"I love you and what do you do? You turn your back on me." Kato advanced on Alex, his eyes holding the promise of a storm. "Can you even imagine how much your leaving hurt me?"
"Love me!" Alex fisted his hands. "Love me? You don't know what love is." He swallowed, reined in the rage that started to burn though his veins. If Kato would love him, Kato would treat him a lot differently.
"How dare you-"
"When you truly love somebody, you put them before yourself, you want to give them everything, you want to make them happy, not take and take until there's nothing left anymore, never giving anything in return."
"I gave you everything."
"You gave me nothing."
"That's not true." Kato towered over Alex.
"You only gave me things." He needed Kato's affection, Kato's understanding, not things. "I don't need things."
"What do you need?"
"I need to go home," to get over Kato, over this stupid adoration and obsession. And to stop being Kato's puppet.
"You are home."
"This is your home, not mine."
"Alex." Kato reached out, with his palm he touched Alex's cheek.
"Don't." Alex turned away.
"Why not?" Kato grabbed Alex's chin. "A week ago you were stuffing your hands down my pants and now I can't even touch you."
"Kato, let go." Alex pushed against Kato's chest.
"And you run away." Kato narrowed his eyes. "Because I didn't want to fuck you."
"That has nothing to do with this!"
"Lets fuck now." Kato grabbed Alex's wrists with one hand and pulled them up.
"Kato, let go of me!"
"Maybe then you will forget everything about leaving." Kato slid down Alex's torso with his free hand.
"Kato. Let. Go." Alex narrowed his eyes.
Kato unbuttoned Alex's pants and pulled down the zipper. "No. Never." He slid his hand inside Alex's pants.
The muscles in Alex's body tensed. "Stop it. Stop it." It shouldn't be like this. Never like this. He leaned with all of his weight on Kato and they fell down. The second they hit the floor, he was off Kato. On all four he scrambled away.
Kato grabbed Alex's ankle and pulled on it.
Alex fell down on his stomach, he kicked out and he hit Kato in the side.
Kato groaned, but his grip on Alex was still firm. He grabbed Alex's other leg and pulled, tugged. He was trying to get Alex underneath him.
Alex fisted his hand and twisted his body around. He punched out and hit Kato square on the face.
"You little shit." Kato ground his teeth. He grabbed Alex by the hair and swung his fist back.
Alex closed his eyes and lifted his arms as a shield up before his face, waiting for the blow that didn't come.
He waited, their heavy breathing the only sound that rippled through the silence. The hand withdrew from Alex's hair and he peeked out.
Kato was slack jawed with dilated pupils frozen staring at Alex.
Alex slowly dropped his arms.
"I didn't…" Kato pushed himself away from Alex. "I would never… " He swallowed.
Alex didn't care what Kato was saying. He bent his knees and drew them to his chest. At this moment he just couldn't make himself care. He wrapped his arms around them and leaned his cheek on them. His hair, pulled out of its confinement somewhere along the way, hid his face.
"Alex?" Kato inched closer and reached out, he touched Alex's hair.
Alex flinched.
Kato withdraw his hand. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I don't want to, never want to…I love you."
"You don't love me. You just want to posses me." Alex felt the moisture gathering in the corner of his eyes. "To own me like I'm a thing." He lifted up his head, their eyes met. "Your naïve thing. Remember?"