What if you need me
Alex fell backwards on the bed, Kato's bed, the edges of the robe Kato bought him falling open, showing the parts of his thigh. He had just smoked the last of his precious cigarettes -- since Kato banned them from the shopping list, it was hard to get them and his pleasure smokes were rare -- and he'd had a very scrubbing shower, his skin still pink and flushed from the hot water and rubbing.
He slightly turned his body, reached toward the nightstand and his fingers grabbed his iPod -- the iPod that should have been on the nightstand in his room, where he had left it.
He unwound the earphones' wire, put the earphones in his ear and turned the player on. Since they came back from the Spa things started to vanish mysteriously from his room and magically appeared in Kato's room. He already stopped bothering with putting them back were they belonged, but it did annoyed him that when he confronted Kato about that, Kato shrugged with his shoulders like he doesn't even know what Alex was talking about and quickly changed the subject.
He sighed, fiddled with his IPod until Gackt's Seki-Ray was on, set it on a repeat and increased the volume. His fingers were tightly wrapped around the IPod and his eyes were staring into the ceiling.
Kato was probably still with his brother and when he came back, he would need him, he always did, But today, Alex closed his eyes and put his free arm over his eyes, he needed somebody too. He had called Nina and burdened her with his problems, but she wasn't actually here and her words of comfort somehow were not enough.
And there was still Kato's threat.
The song sounded for the fourth time when the mattress dipped and a second later, a warm body appeared on Alex's side and a head on Alex's chest.
Alex removed his arm from his face and wound it around Kato's shoulders. He could feel the strained muscles in the body that was pressed against his side and in the arm that was thrown across his belly. Why doesn't he tell me why his brother's visits influence him like this? His palm slid up and down Kato's back.
Kato sighed and snuggled closer. His head was now resting on Alex's shoulder.
"Kono doko made mo tsuzuku shiroi daichi wa fukaku, mata ochiteyuku boku wa dare ni mo iyasenai; Deeply in this endlessly continuing white earth, I'm still falling and cannot be healed by anyone…"
Alex lowered the volume of the music. He bent and buried his face in that lush, red hair. Why don't you tell me?
Kato moved higher, his hand cupped Alex's neck and he pulled him into a tender kiss.
Alex surrender to the slow, soft caress, he titled his head and opened himself wider to Kato's gentle exploration. His hand that was stroking Kato's back might have been Kato's comfort, but this kiss that was like a soft rain on the sun burned earth, like a balsam on the opened wound, was his comfort. He wished it would never end. He wrapped his arm more tightly around Kato.
Kato's body slowly relaxed, the tension ebbed away. He rubbed his palm on Alex's hip, ended their kiss and then lifted himself up on his elbow. He pulled the earphones out from Alex's ears and then wiggled the IPod gently out from Alex's fingers. He cleared it away on the nightstand on his side. Then his hand found Alex's and he pulled it toward his mouth, kissing the palm. "Thank you." He pushed the wide sleeve of Alex's robe up. His thumb brushed over the pulse. "A bruise?"
"I bruise easily." Alex knew that there was the identical one on his other wrist and some small ones on his hip. His eyes were glued on Kato's mouth; he wanted another kiss, identical to the one he just received. Would Kato give him one if he asked?
"Not that easily." Kato towered over Alex. "What happened?"
"Nothing." Alex averted his gaze.
Kato moved and framed Alex's body with his arms. "Alex!"
"It was really nothing."
Alex could feel Kato's glare on him. He won't let it slide, he never let anything slide. Half-truth then. "I wanted Gackt's autograph and when I followed him, I stumbled across some drunk. He got a little violent and I took care of him. And that was that."
"I don't believe you."
"It is the truth." Alex wasn't really lying; Kedajin's breath did reek of alcohol. "And I don't care if you believe me or not."
"Are you sure?" Kato pushed Alex down into the soft mattress with the weight of his body.
"Yeah." Alex knew what was on Kato's mind when Kato's knee protruded between his legs. He pushed at Kato's shoulders. "Could you stop it, please?" his voice became a little higher, "you are suffocating me."
Kato rolled them around so that now Alex was the one who was laying on top. His hand slid down and he cupped Alex's bottom.
Alex pulled himself up as much as Kato let him. He reached behind him and grabbed Kato's arm. "Don't." He knew that he was very susceptible to Kato's seductive touches, but right now he just couldn't… Don't push me, please, don't push me. I don't think I would forgive you if you did. "Please, don't."
Kato's arms wrapped around Alex and he drew him closer. He pressed his lips against Alex's temple. "It was more than just a drunk, wasn't it?"
"No." Alex snuggled closer. It was just, now when he looked back, he shuddered at the thought of what might have happened. "I think it is aftershock." He was never going to any party that might have Kedajin as a guest ever again and to be on the safe side he had also already asked James if he could spare some time on him and teach him some sort of defense-technique.
"Do you want to talk about it?" When Alex shook his head, Kato continued, "It would help if you talk about it. It is never good to keep things inside, to suppress them; they usually become bigger than they really are and harder to deal with."
"It's nothing like that," or at least he thought it was nothing like that. It was just an incident, which was still fresh in his mind and it made his heart race and his throat dry, but with time its impact would fade away because he won't dwell on it, he won't make it bigger that it is.
"If you ever need to talk about it or anything that is heavy on your mind, you can always come to me." Kato's palm was warm on Alex's cheek.
"You can always come to me, too." Alex put his hand over Kato's. Maybe now was the right time to bring it up, if he dares. Does he? "You know, if something is bothering you," he took a big breath, "like the way your brother's visits bother you."
The silence descended over them like a fog.
Alex waited, almost frozen, with his breath held. His eyes searched Kato's blank face, tried to read the eyes that for a moment seemed like they were hollow, haunted, hurt.
Did he imagine it?
"I don't need anybody. I'm strong enough to deal with things on my own," Kato voice echoed between the walls, he withdrew his hand from under Alex's.
"I never said that you aren't." Alex hid his face under his hair. It would be better if he never opened his mouth. He rolled off Kato.
Kato turned on his side and grabbed Alex around the waist. "But maybe," he pulled Alex's back against his chest, "just maybe I should talk about it, take my own advice." He wrapped his arms around Alex into a tight embrace, "What do you think, Alex, should I?"
"Only if you want to."
"My little Kukki," Kato leaned with his chin on Alex's shoulder, his voice sad, "do you want to hear what a bad person I am?" a long pause, " how I get frustrated by my own brother every damn time, even though he's only trying to help?"
"Kato, you are not a bad person," selfish one, yes, but not evil. Alex put his hands over Kato's arms.
"But I am. Sometimes I feel like I hate him, really hate him. I shouldn't hate the only link that I have to my family." Kato's arms tightened around Alex. "And he's only trying to help; everything that he does is in our parent's name."
So that was why he always jumped whenever his brother called, because of his parents. Alex absently stroked Kato's arms that were holding him. They still hadn't patched things up? Not that anything had happened that would say otherwise.
"God. Why can't they forgive me already? I have done everything they wanted. They wanted to move, I bought them a house. They wanted to go on a cruise, I bought the ticket. And whenever they wanted money, I gave it to them," Kato's voice broke. "I remember them as modest, loving people and now, they are never satisfied, it's never enough.
Alex wiggled in Kato's hold; he turned and wrapped his arms tightly around Kato's neck. Kato's voice sounded so dejected that he expected to see tears on his face, to feel wetness against his cheeks, but there was none, just hollowness.
"People always want something from me and I'm okay with that. I'm used to that. But they--they are my parents." Kato's eyes were clear as a lake's surface before the storm. "They used to give me so much love. They pampered me. And then suddenly I wasn't the perfect son anymore, didn't suit the norms that they set anymore. And all because my father caught me kissing another boy. A little birthday kiss that turned into making out."
Just making out. With a boy. How unfair. And here he was wondering what kind of horrible crime Kato committed to be cut from his family as a punishment. Thinking that it had to be something big. Alex wrinkled his forehead. But, yeah, if his parents were and are homophobic, then it was big.
Kato smiled sadly. "And now, now they want me to marry."
"Marry?" Alex eyes examined Kato's face. "Who? When?"
"Shoji talked about giri, aboutsense of duty and honor, he hinted that with the marriage I would wipe up the shame that I brought on the family name by being gay and like giri should mean something to me."
Marry! Kato's going to marry!
"It's so unfair."
But that wasn't important now.
Kato was important now.
Alex leaned his cheek against Kato's, his hand stroked Kato's nape. "I'm sorry." Who would have thought that just talking about it influenced Kato like that, on always strong, self-assured Kato. But, losing his home; betrayal like that tended to hang over a persons head no matter how much time passed He himself couldn't imagine 'losing' people that were dear to him because of his sexual preferences. His family, or at least the part that mattered, always supported him, always loved him, no matter what and was not bothered with the fact that he had his eyes on his own sex from time to time. "I'm so sorry."
Kato turned his head, his lips slid over Alex's cheek and they stopped on Alex's mouth. A gentle, tender kiss, it was a sweet exploration of taste like they were re-acquainting again, slowly slipping into a familiar dance.
Alex pressed himself closer, if that was even possible. He was drowning in the warm delight, sinking deeper and deeper.
Kato with a light nibble ended the kiss and his lips slid over Alex's jaw, down over Alex's neck. He pressed his groin forward, rubbed himself against Alex. His fingers started to work on the knot of Alex's robe.
Alex opened the eyes, which he didn't remembered closing. He unclasped his arms from around Kato's neck and put them between them. He put his palms on Kato's chest. "Don't." He couldn't, not now.
Kato hand slid down Alex's back, over the sensual curve. "I need you," he buried his face into Alex's hair, his breath hot on Alex's ear, "I need to feel you."
"Kato, don't." Alex turned his head away.
"Are you turning me away?" Kato's fingers grasped Alex's chin, he forced Alex to face his blank mask.
"No." Never. "It's just…." He won't tell Kato, he won't, but if he didn't, Kato would take his no the wrong way and in this moment -- Alex lifted his hand and his fingers cupped Kato's jaw, his thumb brushed the velvet skin -- Kato's gaze was telling him that his no might destroy him. "… I don't feel too good."
"I'll make you feel better," Kato shifted his head and kissed Alex's palm, "as you make me feel better." His fingers resumed their work on the knot.
And Alex didn't say anything, he didn't resisted anymore while Kato untied his belt, while he pulled the edges of his robe apart, while he slid his hands underneath it, while he trailed wet paths across his chest, trying to relax, willing his mind to focus on Kato's touch instead of seeing Kedajin's grinning face. Soon Kedajin's image was disappearing out from Alex's mind under Kato's sensual ministration. And he was all right; he entangled his fingers in that red, silken hair. He was all right, while Kato was not.
Xxx
Alex sat in the back seat of the car. He was sulking, not that the party responsible for his sulking noticed anything. Saying that going out with him didn't mean that he was off the hook, that an apartment's key-card was staying safe out of his reach and that he was still grounded. He wasn't a small child, damn it, but he was always treating him like a small child, wasn't he? The pout on his lips grew bigger and he moved, put an inch of space between him and Kato, but a second later Kato's body was there, pressed against Alex's side again. He would cross his arms in the quiet display of discontentment, but Kato was holding his hand and was absently playing with his fingers.
Alex sighed and leaned his head on the soft leather of the backseat. He could say something to show his displeasure vocally, to show that he still hadn't let go of his grudge, but he couldn't and not because he was a coward or anything even when he sort of was, but because Kato had had a rough week. A very rough week. And in some way it was his fault: he was the one that suggested to Kato that he go and talk to his parents in person.
He peeked at Kato under his lashes. He hoped that their final destination, the address, the result of David's digging, was the correct one and that at the end of this car's drive was Kato's parent's home. Because if it wasn't- Alex was still haunted by the expression on Kato's face when they arrived at the address of the house Kato had given Shoji the money to buy and in which Kato's parent had never lived – he didn't know what he'd do. He looked out the window. He just didn't know what he'd do.
The car stooped and James turned: "We are here."
"Yes." Kato held on Alex's hand, like a drowning man hanging onto a life preserver.
Alex squeezed Kato's hand in reassurance, putting aside his grudge for a time; he intended to be there for Kato.
"That's it, ne." Kato sighed and finally moved. He slid toward the car door and opened it. His hand was still holding Alex's, he pulled him behind him as he stepped out from the car.
"Are you sure you need me?" Alex lingered at the edge of the seat, his free hand holding the car's door handle. He wasn't really prepared to meet Kato's parents, especially not under the circumstances. If he had known that Kato intended to take him with him, he probably wouldn't have said anything at all. "You should face your parents without a stranger by your side," he tried to pull his hand out from Kato's hold, " it would create more intimate enviro-," he looked up and something in Kato's eyes stopped him, the words died on his lips. He abruptly shut his mouth, stood up and obediently let Kato tug him toward the small house's door.
Kato pushed the bell button and they waited silently until the door opened. A brown eye blinked through the crack of the door and then as the door opened wider, a pale face of an middle-aged women appeared.
"Kato," she whispered and a big smile appeared on her slightly wrinkled face. Alex expected her to wrap Kato in a big hug, but she only bowed, "Youkoso. Youkoso. Welcome. Welcome.", and indicated for them to come in, "Doozo ohairi kudasai. Come in please."
"Ojamashimasu. Sorry to bother you." Kato stepped inside and pulled Alex with him.
"Iie, iie. No, no." The lady, presumably Kato's mother, closed the door while Kato and Alex got rid of their shoes. When they were barefoot, she led them into the 'main' room in small steps.
"Chichi, " she addressed the man sitting on a pillow behind the low table and watching the TV in the corner. "Kato wa hoomon suru. Kato is visiting."
Alex looked around the modestly furnished room. It seemed that the money Kato gave Shoji for his parents hadn't been used for the house or the furniture. He half hid behind Kato's back and observed how Kato's father stood up and, with a shy smile on his face, went toward them. They were smiling. Kato's parents were smiling. If they couldn't forgive him, why did they welcome him with smiles?
There were some words exchanged between Kato and his father, courteous phrases that even Alex understood. Kato introduced him to his parents and vice versa and then Kato's mother, thank god, switched to English, to a quite good English at that, and politely asked them to sit down, while the tea would be served.
They sat in silence, Kato's father on one side of the table and Kato and Alex on the other side. Kato was still holding Alex's hand, holding on to it tightly under the table and Alex could feel Kato's nervousness in the tremble of his fingers.
Alex looked sideway at Kato, the corners of his mouth turning up in the ghost of a smile that would tell Kato that everything was all right, that he was here for him. He intertwined their fingers.
And suddenly like Alex's touch gave him the strength he needed, Kato started to speak, his voice first wavering, cracking and then it became steadier, stronger.
Alex couldn't understand what Kato was saying, but he knew what a kekkon shinai meant won't marry and he knew some other words too, not that it made any sense to him what Kato was saying. Well, maybe a little.
He soon turned his attention on Kato's father.
With each additional Kato's word the surprise was more evident on the old man's face, he looked like somebody who hadn't the slightest idea what was going on and, in Alex humble opinion, something was definitely wrong with this picture.
It also seemed that the old man had problems with speaking in front of Alex, but Kato reassured him with, "Alex-kun wa nihongo ga wakaranai. Alex doesn't understand the Japanese." and after that they fell into a long talk, leaving Alex to fend for himself. To look boringly from first one and then to the other, observing how wrapped in conversation they were. And then when Kato's mother joined, he had his tea and three people to look at. Oh, what a joy.
Xxx
"So," Alex closed the apartment's door and trotted behind Kato into the living room, "are you going to tell me now?"
"Tell you what?" Kato crossed the living room and went into the kitchen area. "Tadaima, I'm home." he threw a greeting to Siva, who's seaside holidays with his girlfriend ended yesterday with him escorting her to the airport and who was now lounging on the couch.
"Tadaima," Alex nodded to Siva, too, as he followed Kato's footsteps.
Siva lifted himself from the couch. "Okaerinasai. Welcome home."
"Tell me what's going on." Alex sat behind the counter and leaned his elbows on the marble surface. "What did you learn from your parents?" He leaned forward and palmed his chin. "I know it was something important."
The parting between Kato and his parents was really sweet, Kato's mother even gave him, Kato's assistant, a shy, hesitant hug. But there was something wrong, he could see it on Kato's face when they went into the car. Kato hadn't wanted to tell him anything in there and Alex didn't want to push him then, but … he sat for almost two freaking hours in Kato's parents' house and as a result his legs became all numb from that kneeling and he even needed Kato's help to get up. So damn it, he was entitled to know why the hell Kato's face looked so down.
"Where have you been?" Siva joined them and sat beside Alex on the barstool.
"Out." Kato opened the refrigerator's door and took out a bottle of water.
"We went to see Kato's parents." Alex watched the deepening of a frown on Kato's face from the corner of his eye and decided to ignore it. "They talked almost for two hours and he doesn't want to tell me a thing. Not even why his mother pointed at my pendant and all excitedly repeated koibito, lover a few times to her husband." She actually said a lot more, but the koibito was the only word that stayed in Alex's memory, maybe because it was the only word he knew, besides Kato's name which she repeated a couple of times together with Alex's.
"You visited your parents without telling me!" Siva aimed the accusatory glare in Kato's direction. "Kato, how could you?"
Thank you very much, Kato mouthed to Alex.
That's what you get. Alex would grin and poke his tongue at Kato, but he doubted that it was a good idea, so the tongue stayed safely in his mouth and he just innocently shrugged his shoulders.
"Everything happened so quickly." Kato put the bottle on the counter and on Alex's silent 'liar' narrowed his eyes in warning that he should stay silent. "And I also didn't want to lose my courage or jinx it by talking about it out loud."
"Let's pretend that I believe you." Siva leaned forward. "Now, tell me, what did they said?"
"Yes, Kato." Alex leaned forward too. "Tell us."
When Kato just glared at them, Siva pushed. "C'mon Kato. How are we supposed to be comforting and consoling when we don't know what the hell is going on? "
"You want to know. Do you really want to know?"
They both nodded.
"Fine." Kato hissed under his breath. "They told me that father regretted his decision of throwing me out the moment I left the house and he sent Shoji after me, who didn't find me, but when he did, he said to them that I didn't want to go home and that they didn't exist to me anymore." He put his palms on the counter, his gaze a black cloud. "They hoped that with time I would forgive him, but whenever they asked Shoji to plead in their name for my forgiveness, he always came back with a negative answer."
Alex stood up and went around the counter. He wrapped his arms around Kato's waist and leaned his head on Kato's shoulder blade. "I'm so sorry." You didn't deserve this.
"That bastard."
Kato nodded on Siva's comment and he pulled Alex by his arms before him. "They told me how proud they were of me and my success and how much they wished to tell me that in person. And to tell me that it didn't mattered who I love, man or women as long as I'm happy. And how happy they are that I'm finally able to forgive them." He swallowed. "And I just couldn't tell them how Shoji had us all for fools. They have such a high opinion of him and for so long he was the only son they had." He put his chin on Alex's head. "I should have gone and faced them a long time ago."
Siva joined them and embraced them from their side. "Yes, you should."
"It's all in the past now. And I'm alright, I'm just shocked."
"Anybody would be."
"Yeah." Alex rubbed his cheek against Kato's collarbone.
"Guys, I'm alright now. Sort of. You can stop hugging me," Kato said, even though his voice didn't sound displeased with the situation.
"We don't want to. Do we Alex?"
"Nope." Alex grinned and snuggled closer.
Kato half-heartedly chuckled and put one hand on Siva's shoulders and another one on Alex's back. They stayed like that until Siva unwrapped himself, stepped back and put his arms across his chest. He looked at them both and spoke all of their thoughts out loud. "You know, I'm wondering. Where did Shoji put all that money that you gave him?"