What if… sometimes things are more simple that they seem to be
"A voice screaming out your name surely it will not reach you, my voice, but for now, I am ok. Someday in my heart you will… Tonight too I will dream a dream of you" Kyo's voice, the main vocal from the band Dir en grey and Alex's first love, was crying in Alex's ear, making Alex hum along. It was funny how whenever his feelings were in one big confusion or when he was angry, he liked to resort to their music.
He took a drag from his cigarette, then put it back on to his provisional ashtray and put his fingers on the keyboard of former Aika's but now his laptop.
After that incident, and the quick retreat into the bathroom, he ended up all clean and fresh smelling like a sweet candy (that Lush's soap Rockstar rocked) on the balcony with his computer in his lap and a need to talk to somebody. And that somebody was his best friend, Nina, who after a lot of long rings on her phone and a few text messages finally appeared on MSM.
And was she helpful? Not really. Not when she wrote in response to his question what to do stuff like »it's your life« and »you must decide what's best for you«. Women. Why do they always have to be a smart ass like that? Even though when he complained to her, that she had to help him decide if he should welcome Kato's advances in the future (if he makes any or maybe this was just a one time thing) or not, the reply »maybe he should think about what he would regret more, not allowing himself to have fun with his perfect man or having fun with him«, was a little better.
But not a lot, because things were never as simple as that, were they? Alex thought about it; to look at two options and discard the one one would regret the most. Ok, maybe the things were simple as that and maybe Nina was one smart cookie… well, she wasn't his best friend for nothing. He wrote her that and smiled, knowing that at the other end of the world she was smiling too.
He got some news from home and was laughing at the joke she heard and shared with him when he felt a presence. He looked up and his laugh died.
Kato was looking down on him and he looked a little pissed, his mouth was opening and closing, he was talking.
Alex pulled of his earphones and turned off his Ipod. "Sorry, what were you saying?"
"Why aren't you ready?" Kato was frowning down at him.
"Ready for what?" Alex now noticed how dressed up Kato was. He had his 'appearance' clothes on: the tight black pants with buckles, narrow chains and black satin ribbons, with two, no, three rivet decorated belts around his waist and with a dark green shirt with Russian collar underneath the black leathered jacket with an embroidery of dragon on the back and the sides of it.
"For the interview. We've already lost fifteen minutes because of you. Why are you hiding here? Are you trying to avoid me?" Kato narrowed his eyes down on him. "Because of what happened?"
Interview? Oh, the interview. But… why did Kato need him there? He was to stay at home, wasn't he? The little beep drew his eyes to the computer screen, where the messenger window was pulsating in orange. He put his fingers on the keyboard and typed: Kato's here, then quickly shut off the computer, unplugged the cord for the wireless Internet and cleared the things away into the laptop's bag. "You said that you don't need me there."
"I changed my mind." Kato kneeled down by his side, his eyes hard. "Are you avoiding me, not answering my calls, because of our jerking off?"
"I wasn't avoiding you." Alex zipped the bag, cleared the ashtray away and stood up, pulling the bag on his shoulder. He just took some time to have a little chat with a friend and to have a quick smoke, which he only could have on the balcony, that's all. "I just went out for a smoke."
"You shouldn't be smoking. You promised to stop." Kato picked up the Ipod that lay forgotten on the ground and stood up, he gave it to Alex. "I'm going to tell miss Shoku to ignore the cigarettes on the list from now on."
Miss Shoku was the housekeeper, who took care of the grocery list that was stuck on the refrigerator's door and on which members of the household could write down what they need. She also cleaned the place and washed and ironed all the stuff that was put into the dirty laundry basket in the utility room. "You wouldn't. And I never promised anything, I just said that I'll try."
"It's the same.» Kato opened balcony door and pushed Alex through it. "Now lets get you dressed."
"I'm dressed." Alex put the bag on his bed. He had his comfortable black with a red stripe on the left side cotton pants and a thin white long-sleeved shirt with image of Ichigo from Bleach on it.
Kato went to Alex's closet and slide the door open, then he with raised eyebrows turned toward Alex. "Why is almost all of your stuff still in the suitcases?"
Alex sat down on the bed. "I'm waiting for the empty room in the Staff's apartment."
"You're going to stay here." Kato turned his attention back to the closet. He squatted down and started to rummage through Alex's suitcases.
"Why?" Alex stood up and closed the distance between them, he looked over Kato's shoulder and then he inserted himself between Kato and the closet. "Stop doing that, you are going to get everything wrinkled."
"Cause I said so." Kato raised himself up, his arms framed Alex and he leaned closer, he burrowed his nose into Alex's neck. "Why do you always smell so good? Now you smell sweet like a bonbon, I can't even smell the cigarettes."
Alex stood there, his arms on his sides and body tense like a too high tuned string. Two options, yes or no, and he would regret no, he would regret no so much… so why couldn't he just seize this chance and wrap his arms around Kato's neck and press his body against his?
Kato took a last deep inhale, rubbed his nose against the skin of Alex's neck and then stepped back. "I don't think you have anything suitable in your suitcases anyway."
"Huh?"
"Lets find you something." Kato grabbed Alex's hand, turned and pulled him out of the room, across the hallway into his room, toward the door of the closet. He opened them and led them inside.
Alex looked around. He would expect for Kato's room to be dark coloured, something with statement, but instead the room's walls were a boring white, the furniture the same as in Alex's room and the bedding on the big double bed burnt red with, he looked a little closer, small white flowers. What the hell? Kato should have bloody red or black satin sheet, not this. And what was that in the corner… he stepped toward what seemed to be a large display case with a large numbers of something that looked like cuddling things behind the glass, when the tug of a hand that was still holding his wrist stopped him. He was pulled into the cabinet.
There were rows of shirt, sweaters, pants, jackets, suits, and clothes' bags, and yet it wasn't as big as Alex would expect from somebody who was well dressed as Kato.
Kato release Alex's hand and started to browse through clothes hangers. "I think I have something that'll suit you."
Alex looked around and there was something familiar in an army masking pattern that draw his eye. He had exactly the same hoodie as Kato; it was one of his favourite, which he couldn't found anywhere. He went toward it to check it out closer. It had the same tear on the pocket as his. Damn, this was his. He took it down from the hanger. "What is my sweater doing in your closet?"
Kato turned, there were clothes thrown over his arm; he pulled the hoodie away from Alex. "I like it."
"It's my favourite." Alex reached out with the intention to get it back.
Kato thrusted the clothes he was carrying over his shoulder into Alex's outstretched hands. "I'll trade you."
The next moment Alex was pushed out of the wardrobe, Alex's hoodie was put back on the hanger and the door closed behind them. But that wasn't enough, because then Kato demanded from Alex to change his clothes and when Alex decline to do it Kato's presence, he was pushed into Kato's bathroom.
Alex rolled his eyes and turned around. He was actually in some kind of anteroom with two doors, a stool, and a low cabinet with the mirror above it.
It only took him ten minutes to change into the pair of black baggy pants with a low waistband and a lot of pockets and hanging ribbons, and, he frowned, a very pink sweater with imprinted silver stars that Kato gave him. What was Kato thinking? He folded his pants, put it on the cabinet and shrugged his shoulders. It didn't really matter. He looked at the door with a peeing boy on it, now that he was already here, he could use the toilet. He changed his normal slippers for the green, plastic ones that were beside the toilet door; the slippers that you have to put on before you go in the toilet's chamber, because the toilet, to the Japanese, was an unclean area and it wouldn't do to use normal slippers; it would be too disgusting.
He opened the door and started to giggle.
"Oh, my god." He stepped into the chamber, the main focus of which seemed to be something from science fiction. He approached it carefully and the lid opened. He had heard about them, they were called Bidet or Washlets and they had a control panel or at least this one had it.
When he had done what he come in to do, there was flushing, water jets and blow-drying and he was laughing so hard, that he had problems buttoning his pants.
"Alex." Kato voice was heard from the other side of the door. "Are you alright?"
Kato. He became serious and he washed his hands. "Yeah, yeah." He opened the door and exchanged the green slippers for his own. "It's just your toilet."
"So desu (I see)." Kato pulled him toward the stool and sat him down, as if laughing at a sophisticated toilet was the most normal thing in the world. He opened the cabinet's drawer and pulled some things from it, which he positioned on the surface of the cabinet, beside Alex's pants. On Alex's inquiry, he told him that he is going to put a little make up on him and arrange his hair.
"But you are not wearing any make up and even your hair isn't styled up." So why did Alex have to?
"There's a stylist at the studio waiting for me." Kato took off Alex's glasses and then took cream and applied it on Alex's face. "The Record Company always makes sure that I have proper grooming before every show. It wouldn't be good if I blemish my name with a shoddy appearance." Kato started to draw a line on the edge of Alex's eyelids. "Be still."
"Why?" Alex put his hands in his lap and concentrated on not blinking while Kato was busy with applying make up on his face. In his humble, opinion Kato looked better all natural, in his sweatpants and in an average t-shirt. He licked his lips, or better yet, without one.
"Cause my name is a label and how I look under the spotlights is part of that label." Kato was already gathering Alex's hair; ready to tie it up into a low ponytail. "And there are also fans to consider. How would it look if I go somewhere where I know my fans are expecting me and not dress up? It would give them the feeling that I don't respected them enough or care about them enough and they are the ones they are making my, the bands, music possible." The elastic was tied around Alex's hair.
"But they are fans because of your music, not because of how you look."
"Maybe and maybe the majority of them are fans because of the package." Kato moved away assessing his work. "Nowadays the music isn't the only thing that matters." He bent and pulled a few tassels of hair out of the tie, so that they framed Alex's face. "The music that's created is important, voice is too, but there is also how you look, how you dress, how you behave, everything." He shrugged with his shoulders. "That's just the way it is, especially when you are a lead singer."
"Ah." Alex stood up, went around Kato and looked into the mirror. Kato wasn't just that, as Siva told him, Kato was also the one that wrote the majority of the lyrics and the music, and the one that kept the band together and without him, Siva said, they would have never come this far, they just didn't have it in them (didn't have Kato's drive or his will).
Kato's arms embraced Alex from behind and he leaned his chin on Alex's shoulder, their eyes meeting into the mirror.
"I look… different."
"You look nice." Kato turned Alex around. "Now you'll have no problem blending with the audience."
Alex looked into those warm, smiling eyes.
"We need to go."
"I don't need to go."
"Oh, yes you do." Kato's arms unclasped Alex's waist, he stepped back and his thumb brushed something down from Alex's cheek. After that, he led them into his room and then out on the hallway.
James, with his arms crossed on his chest, waited in the hallway by Kato's door. "Boss, your brother's here, he's waiting in the living room."
"Why didn't you come and get me?" Kato stopped; the annoyance evident on his face.
"I don't go into your room, you know that."
There was a story behind it, Alex could feel it, could see it in a light pink that appeared on Kato's face.
Kato coughed and looked at James. "You could at least knock on the door or call me."
"I did."
"Oh, I'm sorry." Kato then turned toward Alex. "Go, get your stuff and then wait with James in the car for me."
"Yes, boss." On Kato's frown Alex corrected himself: "Yes, Kato."
Fifteen minutes later Alex was sitting in the back seat of Kato's Mercedes, watching Kato's hurried steps draw him closer, a deep frown on his face and hands squeezed into tight fists at his side.
John, who was waiting beside the car, opened the car's door, waited until Kato was safely in, and then went to sit down in the passenger seat, beside James. James started the car and carefully manoeuvred it out of the dark, grey, underground garage.
Alex shifted in his seat. Kato was pissed and he never saw him like that, it was actually a little unnerving. He looked at him under his lashes, his blue gaze meeting the icy, brown one. He reached out with his hand and his finger slid against the wrinkle between Kato's eyebrows. Don't be mad.
The next second Alex's brain caught up with what he was doing and he quickly removed his finger. "Sorry."
He coughed and fiddled with his hands, which were now in his lap.
Kato took a few deep breaths and covered Alex's hands with his own, then he took Alex's upper hand and intertwined their fingers.
Alex looked at Kato and softly smiled at him. The frown on Kato's forehead disappeared and the dark cloud that hung over Kato's head was slowly dissolving.
xxx
Alex's legs dangled from the high bench stationed in the hall of the studio where a show called Music Station was filmed. Kato and all the stars who were guests on the show were already seated and the cameras were already rolling; Alex was a part of the audience before he got bored (because he couldn't hear or see anything from the last row) and slipped out from the studio is search for the quiet corner.
He looked up from the display of his palm pilot, his gaze landing on three pairs of watching eyes that belonged to three girls, all dressed up into frilly laces, short pleated skirts above their striped stockings and little, cute ties; they called themselves Lolita (or something like that).
He quickly adverted his gaze away, but not quickly enough.
"Ano…. Suimasen (excuse me)." The girl in the white-blue dress, the shorter and richer variation of dress Alice in Wonderland would have worn, tugged the edge of Alex's sleeve.
Her two friends stood behind the girl, one a pink version of the short-skirted Alice and the other a black version; they poked the white-blue dressed girl with their elbows in the manner: go on, go on.
The 'Alice' frowned back at her friends and then looked at Alex with a shy smile on the face. "Ano… Anata wa nihonjin dewa arimasen ka (You are not Japanese)?"
"No." What gave me away? Alex rolled his eyes.
"Kare wa kawaii desu. (He is cute.)" The black version nodded and then all three giggled behind their hands.
"Kare wa nihongo o tabun hanashimasen. (He probably doesn't speak Japanese.) Suri wa Eigo o hanasu kotoga dekimsu (Suri can speak English). Kanojo wa kare ga hanasubeki. (She should speak with him)." The pink version nodded and she and 'Alice' pushed the black version before Alex.
"Girls, girls." A tall man appeared from nowhere. "Don't bother the boy." His arms embraced the girls' shoulders, turning them and pushing them away.
"Anata wa nani iimashita ka (What did he say)?"
The tall man whispered loudly to them, "The Gazette is giving autographs in the main hall. If I were you I would hurry."
The black dressed girl's eyes got really big and shining and she hurried down the hall, pushing her friends before her, explaining something to them. A second later all of them were almost running. No, wait, actually they were running, pretty fast too.
Alex raised his eyebrows, his eyes for the moment lingering on the man, who judging by his slanting eyes above the narrow, thick nose and a strong chin was a half Asian and half Caucasian. His tall, stout built was looming over him, forcing him to move back, to lean on the wall behind him.
The man leaned closer, so close in fact that Alex could see the glint of the gel on the man's short, brownish hair. "No thank you?"
"Thank you." Not that he was really bothered by those girls and even if he was he could take care of himself just fine, thank you very much. He pocketed his palm pilot.
"You are from Mikumi's group?" The man sat down on the bench, he flashed a row of too perfect white teeth with a little longer than normal canines.
Alex moved an inch away. "Yes."
"I'm Edo Kedajin." He offered his hand.
"Alex Valart." Alex took the hand and shook it. Why did this man's gaze make him feel like he was under the scrutiny of a wild beast, of a dangerous, wild beast?
"From Europe?"
"Yeah."
"Not very talkative?"
"Hmm." Only with people he knew.
Kedajin continued with small talk, warming Alex up, until Alex's body relaxed and he was more communicative.
Alex was comfortable with his side leaned on the wall, listening to the deep, hypnotic voice; wondering why his eyelids felt so heavy. Out of the corner of his eye he caught movement. He looked up and the sight of Kato (and James) drawing near pulled the corners of his mouth upwards, but just for a moment, because the frown on Kato's face was deeper and darker than this morning. It become even darker and deeper with each steep he made. What happened?
"Get away from him." Kato's voice was like the snap of a whip, another step and he was by the bench. He grabbed Alex's arm, the fingers digging into the soft flesh, and he pulled him up.
That hurt. Alex was looking at Kato, his eyes wide. What had gotten into him?
Kedajin stood up. "I used to be The Fallen Souls' manager, before they got too big," he said, with his eyes on Alex, like it explained everything.
"No, before you got too big." Kato turned on his heel and with a quickstep, walked away pulling Alex with him, his fingers abusing Alex's skin, not even letting him say goodbye.