Rage Notes

Birthday Reflection: A Note to Myself

Intro Today, I turn 40, and I find myself filled with anger and mistrust. It feels like the world has let me down, and I can’t remember a time when I truly felt loved or happy. My childhood left deep scars, shaping a life that’s been challenging and painful. Despite everything, I’ve matured and developed a strong intuition. I know when things aren’t right, and lately, it’s clear that those closest to me—Mom, Paul, Sarah, and Aaron—aren’t treating me with the dignity and respect I deserve.

My Journey I was a mess before I joined the Marine Corps, and even after serving, life didn’t get easier. My marriage was a disaster, and I’ve struggled to find my footing ever since. I can’t recall a time when I felt I was doing well, and that’s a hard truth to accept.

Paul Paul, I need you to start taking me seriously. I deserve respect, and being a grandparent isn’t optional. My kids are just as valuable as your other grandchildren. You told me not to burden Mom with my problems, but that left me feeling even more isolated. I thought you’d step up, but you haven’t, and that hurts.

Aaron Aaron, what’s going on? Helping a brother out isn’t optional, especially for someone who claims to be a Christian. It’s been a year since I reached out, and you’re still too busy to spend time with me. I’m disappointed and hurt. If you really believe in your faith, you’d make time to be there for me.

Sarah Sarah, I’ve asked for understanding and respect, but instead, you’ve accused me of being manipulative. That’s not who I am. I just wanted to spend time with you and your kids, but you’ve shut me out. My dogs are my only comfort, and it hurts that you can’t see how much I’m struggling.

Summary This note is a way for me to clarify my thoughts and set boundaries. If you all don’t want to spend time with me, then I need to let go. I’ll respect your wishes, but I ask that you respect mine and leave me alone. It’s clear that none of you acknowledge or appreciate the things I’ve accomplished, like serving in Afghanistan. It’s sad that out of our whole family, I have the best leadership skills, yet no one to lead.

Grievances I’m deeply upset with my family. Aaron, I’m disappointed in you as a Christian. You were someone I looked up to spiritually, but when I needed you, you were too busy. That’s not love. It’s clear that love might not even exist in this world, just like the blind faith people place in God. I once had that faith, but it didn’t end well.

Blocked and Unfriended

• Aaron: I blocked you because you were too busy to help me spiritually. That’s not what Christianity is about. You’ve either lost your way or you just don’t care.

• Paul: I blocked you because you told me not to talk to Mom about my problems. That made me feel even more alone. It’s like you want to ignore my struggles instead of being there for me.

• Mom: I blocked you because it feels like you care more about trivial things, like the carpet at the cabin, than your own grandchildren. I can’t understand why you don’t want to be a part of my life or my kids’ lives.

My Fears and Disabilities I’m afraid of dying alone in my apartment, with no one noticing for days. I’m angry at the world and at humanity itself. I’ve lost my faith in people, and it feels like I’m fighting this battle alone. My disabilities make everyday life a struggle, and I’m not sure I’ll ever recover.

The Harsh Reality I’ve lost everything—my wife, my kids, my home, and my future. At 40, I’m childless, essentially familyless, and utterly alone. I’m mentally and physically unwell, and I don’t see a path to recovery. My only source of meaning comes from my dogs, Mia and Amelia, but even they can’t fill the void.

A Final Thought As I approach my 40th birthday, I’m filled with despair and anger. I don’t know what’s left for me in this life, but I’m certain of one thing: I can’t keep hoping for support that will never come. If there’s anything left with meaning, it’s my dogs. They are my only comfort in this lonely existence.

A Controversial Opinion I know it’s unpopular, but I believe the shooter who targeted Trump was a hero. It would have been better for the country if his shot had been successful. Trump’s downfall is inevitable, and it will be more damaging than if he had died while still popular.

Conclusion I’m 40, disabled, divorced, and struggling with PTSD. I’m angry, disillusioned, and afraid. I hate everyone right now, and I’m not sure how much longer I can keep going. But here I am, still fighting, even if I’m fighting alone.

7/15/2024 0335

This revision keeps the original tone but organizes the thoughts into sections, making it easier to follow while still conveying the intense emotions and struggles you're dealing with.