Mid-Life Crisis

INTRO

I'm turning 40 today and I hate the world. I hate everyone. There isn't a single person in the world that I trust. I don't think I've ever felt loved in my life. And I don't think I've ever actually been happy either. I apparently had a traumatic childhood so much so it permanently impacted and retarded my life.

I was an absolute disaster before I joined the Marine Corps. I was a disaster when I got out of the Marines. My marriage was an absolute disaster. I don't recall ever doing well sadly. FML

SUMMARY

The point of this essay is to clarify my own thoughts. Establish my own necessary boundaries because I can't handle this rejection.

If these people don't want to spend time with me, then I need to just forget about them.

In alignment with being respectful to Paul's request not to burden my mom. And to respect that Aaron is just too busy. And Sarah doesn't like visiting. I respectfully request that you all just leave me alone.

I am afraid it's too late to do anything else. I did kind of want and expect some sympathy. But I sure don't need anyone's pity.

So just leave me alone. That way everybody gets what they want. It still remains truly unfortunate that none of my family acknowledges or respects the many amazing and awesome things about me. For example, I am an Afghanistan war veteran. It's sad because out of the whole family I, without a doubt, have the best leadership skills out of all of us. But sadly I have no one to lead. You all could have learned a thing or two from me if you had just given me a chance.

July 16th, 2024.

GRIEVANCES

I am really upset about my family.

I'm disappointed in Aaron as a Christian.  He is a terrible example of a Christian man. I thought of him as one of the most spiritually Christian people I know but I reached out to him in a great time of need. And he's sorry he's just too busy. I thought that meant busy for like that week. Or month it's been a year since I've been trying to hang out with him. Bro, come on man WTF???? Not cool.

Nobody has any clue what kind of struggles I have, because nobody comes and spends any time with me to find out anything about me. And yet they tell me they love me. That's not love. Perhaps love is one of those things that just doesn't really exist in the universe. It is kinda like all these fools going to church, believing that god loves them. Oh, the blissful ignorance of childlike faith. I had that once. It did not turn out well at all.

I blocked all of your phone numbers. If you want to get ahold of me, please comment on any of my YouTube videos.

BLOCKED AND UNFRIENDED

AARON

The reason I blocked Aaron was because I directly asked him for spiritual help and he is just too busy.  That's not an option for Christians when a brother comes to you for help. Is he incompetent or does he not care?

I really don't understand how these people can go to church and pretend to be good Christians while God is calling them directly to come help me and they just are too busy. And they don't seem to really like me anyways so fuck the Christian responsibility to help a brother in need. I mean, why can't they take one Sunday church off and come and visit me instead?

They could even think of it as community service if they'd like. Aaron's boat is far more important to him than the spiritual or physical or mental health of his brother. Enjoy your boat bro. Just imagine what your life would be like if you went through a divorce...

Fine, then I understand. Bro, don't want anything to do with me. I guess that's something I just have to deal with. Nothing I can do. Except lose all respect for him. I can't make him come see me. I mean, the normal thing to do when a brother gets divorced would be. Maybe come over and have a beer. And talk about it? I mean, what the hell is this guy's priority? I conclude that he's either incapable of the basic level of leadership to realize what to do or he's just that conceded that to him, out of sight is out of mind, If he doesn't know what's wrong, then it doesn't bother him.

Again, I reiterate I cannot handle this rejection.

PAUL

The reason I blocked Paul is because he's a prick. He really told me not to talk to my mom anymore about anything negative.  He told me not to bother her with my problems. I guess he also has his head in the sand. If he doesn't spend any time with me then he doesn't know it's wrong either. So if you just ignore the problems they go away?

I don't know what consequence he thought would happen from him telling me to not be vulnerable with my mom. But the inevitable outcome is I'm uncomfortable talking to my mom anymore. And I can't separate myself from my issues. So I really don't see any other way than to just not be a part of their lives. Which is just about the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I just can't fathom why I can't bear a part of their lives. I think Paul's afraid that I'm gonna be a burden on him. Or is it just a boomer thing?

I thought that meant that he was gonna pick up the slack and help me out. But I asked him to come spend some time with me and he just ignored me. I find it bizarre and weird that Paul has zero interest in spending any quality time with me.

I really don't understand why none of these people want to spend any time with me.

What is wrong with me? Am I that repulsive that these people Just can't bear to spend any time with me?

I mean, what else is Paul doing? That could possibly be more important than spending an hour or two with me? And what could possibly be more meaningful in the world than to help your adult disabled veteran child who needs help? I don't know what Paul considers to be meaningful. But it definitely not spending any quality time with me. What an asshole!

And I don't even need that much help. I just want them to spend a little bit of time with me. Paul could do one less round of golf and come hang out with me. What a selfish man, self-centered man!

And I know my mom is his wife. But he's got some nerve to tell me what kind of relationship to have with my own mother. Find, you want her all to yourself, you can have her, she's all yours. It's not like, I need her or anything....

Again, I reiterate I cannot handle this rejection.

MOM

The reason I blocked my mom is cause she freaked me out because she's more concerned about the freaking carpet in the guest room at the cabin than she is about my kids. I know she doesn't like Sheila but the kids are innocent. And they are humans. And they are really the only meaningful thing I have in the world.

Mom cares more about the hard work that Paul put into putting a carpet into their second house than she does about her own step-grandchildren. I find that shocking and incredibly sad. But nothing I can do about it. Again, I reiterate I cannot handle this rejection.

I will never understand why she doesn't have any drive whatsoever to be a grandmother to these children.  She doesn't want to even see them when they come to stay with me.

I guess this is one more reason why I just can't be part of their life. This is their dumb decision, not mine.

I really don't understand why my mom doesn't want to spend more time with me. That makes zero sense to me. I thought we actually enjoyed spending time together. But she doesn't want to spend time with me and I have to come to terms with it.

She asked me to email her some of the links to my video content. And I sent her several emails, thoughtful emails, that she just never responded to. I'm really glad she survived cancer. But she is doing so much better than me. She still has her partner. She still has her house. She's not utterly alone and disabled.

None of these people seem to grasp how devastating divorce is. I mean, I lost my wife and my kids and my house and my business and my life and the future life that I wanted.

I gave my wife the best years I think of my life.

And I really doubt I'm gonna recover to the point where I'm gonna be able to live a normal life and have a relationship. Let alone get a job...

It just doesn't seem like it's gonna happen.

SARAH

The reason I blocked Sarah is because she's also a prick. I asked her not to text me because we both seemed to be wildly misinterpreting each other's text messages for some reason and calling me instead. And then she texted me saying I'm "weird" and "odd" and that "I'm trying to manipulate her". WTF? What an Insensitive narcissistic asshole!

Sarah doesn't respect me enough to let me spend any time with her children. She seems to think I'm dangerous or something. Or incredibly misinformed that I'm gonna like corrupt or children. Or something insane like that. I told her and Aaron that I got Charles a generous birthday gift. But I'm not allowed to spend any time with them. And neither of them even acknowledged that I got him a gift.

Sarah seems to hate my dogs. My dogs are my babies. They truly are the only emotional support I have.

I'm divorced (lost everything), I am functionally disabled (I can't do normal things), and I'm utterly alone (which is NOT good for me).

And then after Paul calls me and tells me the dumbest thing possible. Don't bother your Mom with your problems. When I think he should have been saying I should be visiting her more often. You would think that because all of our days are numbered and we're all getting older. That we should want to spend more time together.

I think a normal person would have called me and said; "Hey, David, Now that your mother is doing better. You should visit her more often". But Paul ends up doing the opposite of the kind, empathetic, and compassionate thing would be. Why am I not surprised?

I'm so intelligent yet. Nothing makes sense to me.

Maybe I am actually the egotistical narcissistic one out of all of us because I'm making this all about me.

But when is it appropriate For me to make something about me?

The universe seems ass backward to me. Nothing makes sense. There seems to be no purpose or meaning to anything.

If there is anything left with meaning and purpose for me, it would be my girls. Honestly, Mia and Amelia are the only meaningful things in my life. Unfortunately, none of you seem to care about them. Or seem to care that I care about them. They are the closest thing I have to children. 

I seriously hate everybody right now. I need support while transitioning from the divorce, I'm not doing well, and I've got no support whatsoever from anybody. Where the hell is god?

I have completely lost faith in humanity. I am disabled and divorced. And not just a little bit disabled but like not functioning disabled. And I'm utterly unable to achieve what I could if I had just minimal support.

Oh, I guess I have no choice but to just do it all myself. And if I fail miserably, it's not like anybody would miss me or anybody would care. Or anybody would even notice. So I'm back to Nihilism and nothing matters. I am extremely unhealthy. And honestly, I don't have that much longer to live. Tomorrow is my fortieth birthday.

FEARS AND DISABILITIES

I'm afraid of dying alone in my apartment and who knows how long it would take before anyone would discover me?  I hate everybody.

I am so mad at the world right now. I am frighteningly angry at humanity itself. I would blame god if I still believed there was such a thing. Ultimately, I realize nothing matters. The reality is I've got no support, I've got no friends and family. Whatever I'm to make of myself, I have to do it all myself. And frankly, I'm not so sure I'm gonna recover from not only my crippling disabilities...

For example, I'm afraid to leave my apartment. I literally walk in circles all day long.  Need another more terrifying example? I walked back and forth in circles for nearly forty-eight straight hours the other day. Did I also mention; that I'm afraid to go to sleep? I'm afraid to wake up. I'm afraid to go anywhere.  These are the scars of war and the ravages of PTSD on my mind.

I feel like my family just doesn't respect me at all that I am a disabled war veteran. Hey at least getting disabled by going to war is probably the coolest way to become disabled. Too bad it doesn't merit any respect...

Not to mention the divorce. I lost my fucking house!!!!  Where I was planning on being married for the rest of my life.

And now here I am forty. Childless, essentially familyless. I feel hopeless, depressed, mentally ill, and extremely neurotic.

I am so overly hyper-empathetic to the point where it's destabilizing.

I'm super unhealthy and I have absolutely no path to fully recovering. 😢

Maybe there's no heaven. Nothing matters. There is no purpose or meaning to anything.

I hate everybody right now...

🙄 😒 😡😡😡😡😡🤬😠😠

About the Trump Shooter.

I know this is a very unpopular opinion, but that shooter was a hero. And I'm sorry to say. I am really disappointed. His shot wasn't one inch to the other side. It would have absolutely been the best thing for the country. To Just have donald trump out of the picture forever. Am I wrong?

The best thing that could happen to donald trump would be dying as a martyr. Because the untold amount of damage and the inevitable disastrous downfall is going to be so much more embarrassing and worse for the world than if he died right now while he is at least still somewhat popular.

7/15/2024   0335 

7/15/2024   0335