chapter 9 - keep moving

3/4/2020: Take a walk and have a talk. A walk with a goal, to get stuff from school, so that our daughter can continue the work, offer the online lesson. Scratch, talking kids, a friendly tutor, the room filled with noise, educational, the children enjoy themselves and learn from it, perhaps not in the educational sense, but the experience, being online, finding a way in the chaos.

Day by day, we both keep writing, a diary, one black, the other one aboat the family, how we deal with the crisis, that is the pandemic, which affects us all, in different ways, the corona virus, which started everything, the mind virus, that exposes our triggers and makes us vulnerable most of the times, and the media virus, that is now using the previous ones to continue its spreading with amplified force and vigor, the corona info-demic, offering online courses, solutions for health and well-being, and artistic utterances to give relief from pressure and suffering, and, not to forget, fear, because fear and anxiety are still building up, intensifying the atmosphere, possibly leading to emotional casualties, or panic, the more so because there are significant financial threats as well. The strong will survive, or not!

4/4/2020: Sleep, stalks, meeting points, but off the point, unfocussed, regaining concentration, blurry thoughts. Another day, creating new habits, dissolving old ones, struggling with cookie addiction, take a rest. but don't sleep too much, eat but don't enjoy too much, avoid the risk of overdoing, nervous, an atmosphere of fear, attempts at communication, passing the line, but sustaining the continuity of life, dissolving into the flow, interrupted by the realization of how bizar this all is, frightening yet doable, while cutting off visions of the future that are at this moment not real, to much wishing and counting points destroys life of the moment. Breathe and keep moving.

And I almost forget to mention, habits, you know, clue, routine, reward. Going out is already a habit, but due to circumstances, the routine is now taking the bicycle, instead of walking. Fortunately, I can manage, even if I don't like it. How I deal with my habits when we follow her suburban dream, I do not know. There will be exercise, that is for sure!

5/4/2020: I am trying to open your eyes, as a favor. There is a quarrel on the balcony, opposite of where I sat, smoking and eating cookies, after a long day out. We stayed in the sport field of "door wilskracht sterk" or is it "sterk door willskracht", I saw both DWS and SDW, I think, but perhaps I am confused by the memory of DWS from my childhood. In the middle of industrial style buildings, which includes the school of my eldest daughter, I did my exercise, slightly bored but determined to practice and got through tha slight pain in my back, due to squat-lifting the box with soy-milk. Next time I (should) shift the box.

Another virus/quarantine day, the temperature now reaching 20 degrees, and anyway being outside is good for my eyesight, I think, and hopefully the blurry vision dissolves when-going more often for a bike-tour or walking, which still would have my preference, but would of course, perhaps be too demanding for her. Her suburban dream, that is the projection of her tension of the small house and the increasingly busy urban neighbourhood, the Jordaan, worries me. Worry, no it frightens me, and invokes the threat of a depression. Anyway, I would take, no that's wrong, I will not take any responsibility, and very likely go along, see what I can make of it, and if it fails, simply hit the road!

6/4/2020: Days of finding habits, strengthening habits and unlearning or changing some other habits, either because the opportunities are limited, or because they need change anyway, like eating cookies. Fortunately, the move to suburbia (potential) drama has been resolved in favor of using the money for travelling, for example in Australia.

Exercise done. Writing done. The day is complete with regard to self-imposed obligations. At five we will have a video chat with my son. I will likely stay a bit on the background, envying his place, with a slight worry about the future and his ability to cope with it. For myself, apart from the relief, there is also a bit worry, since my back hurts a little bit. With some care, I can do my exercises, and my technique, avoiding pain, will improve!