chapter 2 - movement

25/2/2020: Reprogramming belief, it might be possible, but I would rather say, just stay aware of the tension between protection and growth, the rest seems to be just words, cheap moralism, be aware and move!

The dichotomy, protect/grow is reflected in the dilemma to adapt to the common norm, to conform myself to a suposed standard, or stand-out as an individual, sometimes with special skills and elegance or at the other end as an absolute beginner, stumbling and hesitant, although this may also be regarded as adaptating to common standards, if done with sufficient modesty. Following the biology of belief, again, obviously it is the context, stupid, meaning it depends on on the circumstances, and it requires a personal judgment to determine what is most appropriate in the given context, depending on the people that are present, characteristics of that particular community and, of course, personal aspirations, to stand out or be invisible!

26/2/2020: Coming to think of it, in doubt there is always an element of fear, like when to make a turning wheel, or, for the handstand, moving into upside-down. It is a moment when one needs to bridge the gap, conciously, but in an off-hand way. After all, it is a game of chance, sometimes it works and sometimes not. A matter of probability, in which one has to find the proper balance, between risk and challenge, by an effort to defy gravitation, searching the experience of flow, that is characteristic of the performance trance.

27/2/2020: Writing my black diary reminds me of (reading) touching the void, in particular now it directly affects us in our financial affairs, that is money. We'll wait and listen. But in some sense, it makes me sick, or should I say stupid. I do not want to learn how to become stupid, and about two and a half year after my coronary attack, I don't want to become sick. So, what is the key to all this, solitude, silence or space? Remember, life is a game,but then the question is, on what level do we play? Where am I now, in denial, anger, bargaining, depression or acceptance? I don't know, let's fight!

I just saw that corona is a part of coronary, which means that I was already partly affected before all this virus shit began!

28/2/2020: Yesterday, after kempo we went to cafe de Tuin, It was very busy. At the long table was a guy, who as I later learned was only 33, who was joined by a nice blond girl. They both drank Corona, the beer. I looked atv the Corona bottle, and then at them, and they smiled. We started talking, after they jokingly apologized for drinking Corona. It is the beer they emphasized. I explained that with a chinese wife I was in the middle of the whole thing, and at the risk of being infected with a mind-virus. They understood, and we had a nice conversation, jokingly shaking hands, as an explicit gesture against ignoring future risk and anxiety. I wonder what they thought of me. For me, I enjoyed the crowd and the music, and I realized how off-beat I was, that is no longer frequenting busy cafes, as I used to do, say 30 years ago. In a way, I even lost interest in the type of adventures these places offer, also as a way to protect myself from inadvertent adventures, as I explained to my fellow-kenshi. Keep training, I thought, as so many people of my age and much younger suffer from complaints, ranging from back-pain to depression. Movement seems to be a proper solution, in a somewhat paradoxical way, to find rest and restore balance. Well, you know, it is one way to reduce the impact of radio NST, non-stop thinking!

Coming home, she asked, how was your training? I didn't tell her about the Corona-incident. Then, after I said nice, not so many people though, she said you have to watch this NOS broadcast, there is a message that the first corona-case was found in the Netherlands, it is only one hour. No, I said, I don't want to watch this shit. Mind virus! But, nevertheless, I searched online, and found a page with information, and a collection of video fragments about the virus and the effects of the pandemic.