chapter 4 - dilemma(s)

5/3/2020: All financial things seem to be arranged now. I even paid the twenty euro for the interclub seminar, yesterday, It seemed I could get away with it, but the organizer send me a message, explicitly asking to transfer the money to the kempo account, which I promptly did. Next time, when money is involved, I will very likely not go, and I will see how long I stick with kempo. I will miss the people though, I think, as well as an excuse or reason to go out.

We now also have for over a month food delivered, to keep us from going into the supermarket to buy food, as long as the pandemic is likely to last. Not my thing, taking so many precautions, but then again, food is food. And, finally, I have to express my disappointment with schools, and even my children.

Why did my youngest not accept my graphical solution to the problem of making sums resulting in 7. Apparently, they learn the conformist approach using standard formulae, instead of gaining insight into the ordering of numbers. I should not care, I think, but I feel distance, and perhaps that is my most crucial daily (returning) dilemma!

8/3/2020: I bought a stack of cookies, and some more honey, just to make sure there is enough. As I told my oldest daughter we're in the ban of the virus, and I even considered to notify the school principal of children who did not get tested for the virus, while suffering from a fever. Such moral vigilance.

In the meantime, life goes on, the house is being re-organized, within the limits of my tolerance, that is. But life annoys me. Life goes on, but it has a definite flavor of meaninglessness. Why is that? And what is the remedy? Sound? Or reading about sound? Or just reading? It does kill the time, but leaves me with another daily dilemma. Should I not go out and take a walk? Or should I just go to bed, and take a nap?

8/3/2020: What shall be my daily dilemma today? Stay in and read or go out! Remember: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance ...

8/3/2020: Another daily dilemma, write or not write, in addition to go to kempo or stay home, play music or be silent, take a nap or read. At least we had a quiet morning without the children, after an intimate evening and a restful night. You might call it the shower miracle, The machines are working again, after watching the good place, which turned out, as we will later discover, to be the bad place!

8/2/2020: Did you buy honey again, she asked. We crossed eachother on the stairs. she was in a hurry because her bike has a flat tire. So she pushed through, but despite the lack of time, turned around to scrutinize the plastic bags, as I did some additional shopping after bringing the girls to school. Her face turned into a grimace. Honey, she said, why did you buy honey? I told her not to micro-manage me, then went up and shut the door. Enough of being oppressed. After putting the stuff away, I did my exercise, round 5, and started reading about the beat generation.