chapter 10 - impact

7/4/2020: Life continues. I considered dropping my discipline, but I think that would be stupid. Take it easy, yes, but without discipline, and focussed exercise, life would degrade, and I think I would feel weak and incompetent. Simplify, yes, obliterate, no. Or should I look at it in a reverse way, upside-down, so to speak. In practice upside-down, in theory continue reversal.

Anyway, we resolved the housing issue, and what remains is zooming in, online school, kempo training, utterances of potential influencers on social media. Keeping in touch, even with a feeling of disconnectedness. Looking at the face of my son, with a distance, yet sentimental, enjoying the miracle of life, envious of the energy and souplesse of the girls, with disregard, that is acceptance, of the noise they produce. As long as there is noise, there is life. Illumination and awakening, by acts, words, and experience. Bullshit? Well, that depends on how you look at it.

8/4/2020: Today, there is a true dilemma, either to follow my regular schema of (upside-down) exercise, or to go out with my wife and the kids. On the bike, which I to some extent, dislike, but with kids and wife, which to my luck I assume, is an important part of my life. Just imagine, I would be on my own, a life of solitude and possibly adventure, but still alone.

With a slight pain in the back, after lifting a (too) heavy box, I decided to relax, and turn off the alarm, for the second time this week. Am I relinquishing discipline? To some extent yes, but perhaps it was time for a change. Anyway, the quarantine situation is temporary. If we, that is I, survive, I can always return to the old style discipline. The future will tell, and we will see! Take it slow!

9/4/2020: The dilemma, let go or not is resolved. Of course, don't let go. Keep up the discipline, with counting. But, after the back-pain crisis, when it was not even sure I could resume it, with an eye for quality, and not only quantity. What is the point of points? Points, of course. But they'd better be valuable. And apart from that, keep breathing, and a straight spine, satisfying both spiritual and somatic needs. Discipline is one way to manage anger, instead of shouting, overcome the fear of toppling over in upside-down, slow, steady, and if possible silent, working on strength, flexibility and endurance. Upside-down is ART, in other words, more words!

10/4/2020: It was with fear that I started to do my upside-down exercise yesterday, after one day of almost complete rest, due to the pain in my back. Facing the wall, I hesitated for minutes, making an attempt, then waiting, reasoning with myself to try again, endure the pain, avoiding any further damage. It worked, and I survived the day, slowly testing my range of mobility and adapting my movements, to minimize pain and effort. Today, most of the problems seem to have gone, although I am shill careful, and keep reminding myself of the zen motto - somatic: dan-tian breathing with a straight back, and spiritual: i keep my focus with a mind at rest, striving for no-mind without suppressing thoughts, but rather let them go as gifts that help me to deal with the situation, a period of isolation and threat, where every choice may have an impact for the rest of my life, which I, based on reading a famous novel, might paraphrase as-my side of paradise, although it reads (and feels) like another air-conditioner nightmare, with the looming threat of suburban life, hopefully blocked by financial barriers. Better enjoy the noise of domestic family life, with occasional escapes in the form of urban walks or travelling adventures!

11/4/2020: Back on track, three at home, after a night with interrupted sleep, I just woke up, feeling stiff and restless, then outside on the playground, three more, to a total of six, a bit stiff in the back, driven by a slight fear in the back of my mind, and then, after reading of mice and men successfully completing the whole series of ten, the fear and anxiety slowly dissolving, regain my mobility in other words, and re-establishing my confidence in solid discipline, even in times when my mind is wandering. The most optimistic way to look at it is as a zen state of mind, struggling without giving up, in search of clarity!