chapter 16 - practice

5/5/2020: Training the iron hand, extending it to my feet, I hurt my left foot, which aggravated the pain in my leg that was already there. Slowly it goes better though, and with a somewhat ironic smile, I repeat: no pain no gain. It is a matter of being dead or alive, so to speak, the title of a book I am currently reading. About self-protection, with references to self-defense and martial art.

This morning, again, started with a little quarrel. No, I don't want to buy tobacco for you. All right, then I do it myself. But she came back with three packs of my favorite tobacco, enough to bridge the period until the next delivery.

The weather is getting better, so I went out for some exercise in the nearby field. I wanted to post this on facebook, entitled practice: search goal - play, but the photo I took did not reproduce well, and the clouds I substituted for it did neither, so I eliminated the post, with my last post now being city: blind vision, with the heading: think place. Only one like, so far. another reason I deleted the practice post. Apparently, nobody is willing to look under the surface. I hope I will no longer feel the urge to post. If the urge is there I will do it, or if somebody asks me, for example implicitly by a challenge: ethic point with as the heading life: goal mission. Yes, indeed, I already gave the answer without being asked!

6/5/2020: I may as well write my daily diary now, as I just washed my feet, ordered a new book, watch my back, and smoked a sigaret. The atmosphere is tense, and my wife withdrew in our tiny bedroom, closing the curtains, after angrily shouting to our eldest daughter. This morning I wrote literally; and then she asked me to clean up the tobacco on the floor, watching, read monitoring, while I did it. I refrained from saying: then stop making a mess, everywhere using space in a messy way. Nor did I say: well, go and find your clean house. In suburbia, I might have added. The asian obsession with hygiene, ineffective, authorative, and with regard to their own-tradition often counter-productive. Empty rituals, what do you mean, washing your face with a dirty cloth. Samu? Come-on, I am not a monk, I am a warrior! What do you mean, go with the flow, natural healing, traditional medicine, and all that shit if you don't live by it. After that, I went to the park and did three rounds of exercise, Relieved? No, the tension is still there!

7/5/2020: My daily tasks, almost obsessive, too many notes, as if forcing myself to write everything down, pretending to be honest, to find my way, in the end too much noise, and perhaps an empty ritual that should be dropped. Outside, I practice my eyesight, following the art of vision, do my handstands with an occasional count to six breaths, and today even read from my kindle. Outdoor reading, ready for the coming summer!

My wife is now into qigong, ready to teach urban qigong in the park. Great style, great technique, and great initiative. She likes teaching. I do not, to be honest, but I think it is an excellent target goal, and a good way for her to deal with her tension and anxiety. It might even foreshadow a (sort of) career change.

Today in the park, no photos, stiff legs, and a blurry view, but altogether comfortable, and a good way to spent our time. Back at home, panic, when the shower drain did not work. But it was easily fixed, and when I showed her the ball of hair, which are mostly hers, she understood. After that she kept talking to me about yoga schools, their political struggle, and the satisfaction with both the kids yoga and urban qigong. I only half listened, but then again, I am happy she does it!

Walking back with the kids, I was struck by the combination of the bridge and the houthaven building, and was too slow to take a photo. A missed opportunity? Or should I consider myself lucky that I do not impose the obligation on myself for another post on facebook. Really, my fans are not worth it. I should be kicking off! What's the use of empty likes? Really!

8/5/2020: Looking at my own generation, the group of people that now organize reunions in my place of birth, I feel even more disconnected. No real friends, a distant relation with my wife, but, I admit, lovely children. How far will discipline lead me? At least I found a way now to read also in the open air. Going out, biding my time, exercise, reading, and trying to re-focus my blurry look. Stiff and with hurting feet. What a life! But I continue and I am not yet willing to give up my discipline. Looking at people's faces, and listening to how they talk and shout, teaches me enough!