chapter 13 - tasks

21/4/2020: My final task for today, another entry into my black diary, even though I, against my original intention, posted another entry in my online diary, which I created today, as a means to store personal material. Unfortunately, the image part does not work well on other computers, macs and chromebooks, but I do not care, and very likely this will be my last post, unless something comes up, that incites me to do so. The post was with a photo of my youngest daughter against a backdrop of sparkling water, too beautiful to let go, so I have to suffer a few more likes, and that should be it.

However, added to my discipline will likely be the daily walk, as another habit, to train my feet as well as my eyesight, and to get a view of urban life, which in itself is a refreshment, necessary to keep in touch with my living environment!

22/4/2020: The sword and the pen, the two tools of the warrior, even if the sword is purely symbolic and is only represented by the physical and mental strength and for most the pen is increasingly be replaced by the keyboard, or, worse,the phone. Today, I did not post on facebook, even though I took a photograph of the water near the bridge leading to the westerparkbuurt, which I included in my online diary under the name view. The girls were visible and I linked it to the home under my virtual poetry site, to emphasize that is was a relief to be away from home, and enjoy the scenic urban setting. The diary seems nearly full, or should I say, finished, so perhaps I should leave it at that. unless I include a rest page, which gives access to another layer. Rest, layer, shift, These are all possible names, or wait and see, which is likely what I'll do!

I also wrote a generic comment or reply for my next contribution to facebook: I share my vision with you, just read it! Of course, underlined means a reference to eliens.net.

23/4/2020: Yes, the money is there, but I am not interested. After a whole day outside, in the westerpark, the domestic situation explodes. Then go get a place for yourself, she said. No, that is not the way how it works. After all, this is my place, I live here already for more than 40 years. And it wouldn't be the first time to break up. I wonder, is there life after life? We just see how it will go, and go with the flow. There is still space in the zone!

24/4/2020: Papa has to come along. By insisting I should accompany them, since apparently I was the only one with the correct address, my youngest daughter saved our domestic life together. After a hug, we both felt a relief. Otherwise, our being together might have ended in a dramatic way. So I can say, after a hug at the end of the day we are back together again.

In the morning I wrote: now she is out! Where is she and what is she doing. Later, when we went out together, it was clear she was nervous, tense and anxious. I understood now what was driving her dominant behavior, not that I would ever fully accept that, but it made me a bit more patient, and perhaps I should say strategic, including an effort not to rush our life together. I could live alone, and to be honest, sometimes I look forward to be on my own, and see what life brings me, sadness, surprise, and possibly adventures, After all life is life. But it would also be a pity to give up the company of the girls and also of an ambitious young wife, who at times does look very lovely, and whose physical presence and warmth I still enjoy.

It is a period in which I feel more and more disconnected from people, and as I wrote yesterday, some like to zoom-in, others, like me, prefer zooming out. Solitude, it is an individual choice, another way to be invisible!

25/4/2020: My new phrase, as a variant on the original kempo phrase ken zen ichi nyo is pen zen ichi nyo, which means as much as the fist, the mind (that is intellectual thought) and spiritual well-being are, or, better phrased, are intended to be, one. It is a reminder of the fact that although no-mind is a good thing, rational thought should not be eliminated.

Now, she is annoyed again, because she asked me to allow her to say that she doesn't like living in the neighbourhood any more, and when asked to allow me to say that I find that depressing, she said she wanted to stop the conversation. Dominant, that is what it is, and it becomes more and more clear to me that I don't want to move from this place, since I am afraid that people are even more annoying in other places than in this neighbourhood.