chapter 14 - strategy

25/4/2020: It started already in the morning. she went out and when she came back, she wanted me to finish my exercises. No, I need five more minutes, I said. In the end, I waited for more than ten minutes before we left, as usual, but that didn't matter. I had already finished my exercise, and used the extra time to start my computer. Anyway, as a reaction to all this I wrote: another day starts with tension, we have a different schedule, as she remarked, in other words, my words, we are not well synchronized, or, as I added later, we live in different worlds, which we might unfortunately, and I sincerely hope that does not happen, become a reality. So, I repeat, as a reminder myself, ken, pen, zen ichi nyo!

26/4/2020: Another day of ken, pen, zen is one. I started by writing: it more and more looks like the virus breaks into the relation, will it spread and break through? At the end of the day, after an urban walk, and meeting with friends in the neighbourhood, most of the tension seems to be gone, and I find myself in a fairly mild mood, having finished all my tasks for the day, including writing (almost), satisfied with myself and the way I coped with the tension, and happy to meet people and communicate about anger, fear and depression due to the solitude and isolation of the lock down.

It beats me why they call it an intelligent lock down, but when I hear about other countries my first reaction is: stupid, so there must be a point to it. Yet, breaking my earlier promise, I posted again on facebook, under the title urban, showing a more perfect handstand, in an urban environment, not yet meeting the golden line, but I am getting closer to it, which might in the end be a suitable goal for finishing this period!

27/4/2020: For today, enter the zone for a challenge. From the bubishi vital points, to the common sense prescription for self-protection. A new interest in urban warrior material. The main shetement is that the purported self-defense is often not effective, working with the BAR (body alarm response), also known as stress, as well as surprise incident, should be part of the teaching.

As for myself today, and the family, part of the day out, not too much tension, of course there is worry on the background, but most of it seems under control!

28/4/2020: I read, just fake it. So I like the posts on facebook, but with minimal effort and attention, just a waste of time. And, no, I am not zooming in, but rather zooming out, in search of solitude, taking distance, but without a full disconnect.

Today, she told me she hates her mother, and rather want her to die. Her mother keeps telling her she is a bad mother to our children. I totally disagree, Actually, I think an element of selfishness and ambition works positive, there is enough care, but now they can also take her as an example. But when she detected a hole in my shoes, I told her she acted just like her mother, authorative and criticizing, Mind your own business. But we agreed on no broken shoes or clothes. I told her to be satisfied with 90%, and otherwise you know what to do, Walking back, she told me that she liked her urban walks because of the solitude. I told her that after this period I also feel the need for solitude, looking around in space, letting my thoughts float freely, and no rush, hurry or other petty thoughts.

This period I make an explicit effort to stick to my discipline of exercises, including the writing as you have just been able to read. Enter the zone, and take the challenge.

29/4/2020: Ready to fight? Not yet, but I am learning. Anyway, discipline comes first, again I finished my ten rounds of upside-down. Today, with some focus on endurance, that is keeping my stance for a number of breaths, up to six or more, not yet comfortable with ten though, and to be honest, I dislike the effort and I do not want to lose the flow.

For today, what can I say. The phrases I wrote down are domestic prison, ritual drops, symbolic cleaning, random walk and sound tension. I did not post any of them on facebook, with a slight feeling of ambivalence, of not expressing my self, but I do express myself via likes, partly based on liking what I see, even though I do not always honor these post with a like and partly strategic, as in, do you see I like it, now where is your attention for me. But of course, I pretend to be invisible and not in need of any superficial likes, not backed up by serious attention,

What do I expect, nothing. After all, I have my discipline, and I am prepared for possible answers to silly requests, by strategy, for example, enter the zone and meet my challenge!