chapter 11 - discipline

12/4/2020: With reluctance, as a consequence of trying to avoid the obligations imposed by ritual habits, I started my writing for today after another round of exercise, upside-down, against the wall as not to risk my delicate hands. Although, as I used to say, I prefer the air or space as a guru, occasionally I take a step back and accept the wall as my guru, like most people that practice yoga.

This morning it was very busy on the playground. A group of parents hid a number of easter eggs around the place, and the kids were swarming around, looking for eggs, ignoring the issue of distance. I spread my arms, not willing to give up my place, and a girl ran into my hand. She smiled, it was fun, but she got the message. A second time, party of a group of running children, she came again into contact with my hand. One of the parents saw this, and shouted: I will call the police. I told her to do so, and that I would give them all information. I just extended my arms and the parents should instruct their children to keep social distance. Later I asked the opinion of my wife, but then she started arguing I should have gone to another place, when she told me so. And she kept arguing, so I told her to stop arguing, or as I wrote later, I asked for an opinion not a final judgement, and don't decide for me, she shouldn't even try, I think, I make my own decisions. Right or wrong, but of course I will try to avoid a repetition of this kind of clashes with other people, and, to be honest, I didn't like these people from the start, apparently they were english, and they live in the neighbourhood, with their children on the same school as ours.

As for my wife, as I wrote after the incident, she becomes too dominant and if it becomes too much I will run away. Even though I wrote that when I was still emotional, I mean it, I will refuse to accept being dominated or be too much limited in the way I want to live my life. This is not a new theme, it has arisen over the last half year a number of times, and this was actually one of the reasons to start writing my black dowry, a story y choice!

She stayed in the children's room this afternoon, to sleep a bit and work. It as getting late. Is she still sleeping? What a period! Outside is sunshine. Inside is the darkness of boredom and anxiety!

13/4/2020: It is cold. Another day, there is some domestic tension, it does not seem to bad, but of course I can be mistaken. Whatever way, I feel a bit lonesome and empty. I watched out of the shadows, with headphones, the white ones, because the black ones were broken. Crunched, because the wire of the white earphones were too short. Those who tell the story rule society. This was the leading phrase, with other empty phrases like tell a vision and program, meaning as much as program or be programmed.

My wife is awake now. No idea how long she slept, but her mood seems OK, at least in relating to the children. I will continue reading the artist as a young man. I read it before, but I am getting old, so I forgot most of it, and my line is already for a long time the artist as an old man!

14/4/2020: Slowly the tension releases, and I am on my way to become invisible again. Slow, silent, shadow, coupled with endurance, flexibility and strength, should get me through this period.

Observe silence has now become a political subject, with support of the family, a life of solitude, with a practice of body habit, that is discipline and control, aware of space and time, with occasionally my vision expressed online, in facebook. Face reality and free the mind of rage and suffering, in other woods, face reality and play the game. Where are we now? Just focus. All I need is attention and respect and of course time to experience.

15/4/2020: A move to suburbia, a house with a garden, no, there is no dilemma, simply no, for simple reasons along the familiar three dimensions: financial, social and linguistic. And, as a warning, better prepare the financial and legal issues before you start! Of course, there might be an exception, but that is unlikely given the issues on the three dimensions, in other words, unlikely to be affordable! And another thing, too many complaints, too much criticism, no, I am not afraid to be on my own. I know myself, and when I look back on my life, there is no regret. Doubt, criticism, and wondering, yes, but regret, no! In effect, I might even welcome another challenge. Embrace space, as I said on facebook, but please allow me the space. If that is not possible, it will mean the end of our life together! And again, who was shouting? Please give me some credit, and I do not (only) mean in terms of money!