Being adopted isn’t different from being in a “normal” family. You still have a mom and a dad, and if you're lucky, a sibling or two. It isn’t different realistically, but it definitely feels different. It feels different, but at the same time you don’t know what being in a “normal” family feels like, so how would you know if it actually feels different? You don’t know the answers to any of those questions and it isn’t even your fault. It’s because mommy couldn’t take care of you and daddy didn’t want to. That’s the only excuse anyone will tell you about why you're adopted, but you know why. You know that you weren’t supposed to happen. You were just an accident because mommy was sleeping with everyone and made a mistake. It really isn’t your fault, but you still think of ways to blame yourself because you can’t accept that mommy didn’t want to love you. It's not your fault, but you still blame yourself for mommy not wanting to be your loving mother. It really isn’t your fault, but you still think, what could I have done so bad at birth that she couldn’t love me. You know you think about her everyday. Do you ever wonder if she's thinking about you? She most likely hasn’t thought about you for 15 years. She most likely has moved on. Why haven’t you moved on? She probably doesn't care, she's probably forgotten about you. She also kept all of her other kids. Those other kids who were supposed to be your siblings, but actually you weren’t supposed to be here at all and they don’t want you here either. You weren’t supposed to be here, but you are. You were such a nuisance that they couldn’t even keep you. She didn’t want to keep you. You know that you still call her mom when you talk about her, but has she ever called you her daughter, probably not. That’s okay, though, You tell yourself it's okay, right? If you say that it's okay, so it must be okay. Does it seem okay when you're awake after midnight, laying in your bed, with tears running down your face, wondering why you weren’t good enough for even a mom, that’s okay? You still have to live with that feeling of guilt every day, but does she ever feel anything, probably not, because it was just an accident, it just happened, and now it's over because you're gone, she's moved on with her life and you should too.
My name is Blu, or Breanna, Blu is mostly a nickname. I am a ninth grader. I write because I find some sort of enjoyment in writing. That's why I was so excited when I saw that I could take creative writing in high school. I’ve always been interested in writing, but this class really helped me start. I was struggling to write about something, but I’ve been dealing with this story my whole life. I just needed to realize that maybe other people need someone to relate with. When you go through this experience everyday you really know every specific detail. I really enjoyed writing this piece because I’ve never actually explained how I feel or what I go through to anyone, so this was easy to write out.
Nightmares
As I lay awake staring at the ceiling trying to get some sleep I thought to myself about this one video I watched one time of this YouTuber playing some video game with the monster creature with the name of Siren Head. told myself not to think about it because I knew I would end up having a bad dream about it so I just try to close my eyes and go to sleep.
It feels as if 30 minutes later I’m on my laptop trying to get this game that was in the video. I started downloading the game but it takes too long so I go to sleep. I thought I was already asleep? I open my eyes and I'm in some random run down town. It's late but still there’s a little light outside, I’m walking and I go into this gas station because I wanted some gum.
The employees ignore my presence but just look up when I walk in.
All of a sudden there’s a voice, a man's voice, not super deep, but it's definitely a man's voice, over the speaker saying we're going into lockdown. I don’t think much of it because I'm in the store so I'm most likely safe from whatever is going on. I sit down on the sticky checkered floor just waiting for someone to say anything. It feels like so much time goes by, I feel sleep deprived and hungry,and I feel dehydrated. My throat feels so dry like I haven't had anything to drink in years. I try getting up so I can get something to drink but it's almost as if I'm so tired that my body feels heavy. Then I hear the speaker voice again but this time the voice is just in my head, “Don’t drink the blue drinks”, it says but then I hear it again,”only drink the drinks with the blue caps”, I hear it over and over until it feels as if i'm going to pass out because i'm going insane, until i hear a normal voice that says,”you can leave now the lockdown is over'', its one of the employees from earlier.
I know this is all a dream but it feels so real.
I walk out of the gas station. It still looks like the same time as when I walked into the gas station. It’s almost as if time hasn’t moved at all. I just keep walking and walking until I get to this baseball field where I see Ian Gallagher and some other boy. I feel like I know them and it feels like we have a friendship so I try calling for them when I see it. The tall,skinny, and terrifying Siren Head stomping through the trees just ahead of them, the pounding of Siren head stomping feels like a headache pounding non stop. I try to get the boy’s attention and they turn around and I hand gesture them to come towards me and they are asking why so I try pointing to Siren Head but it’s already behind trees. The boys are walking towards me and I tell them what I saw and then the stomping stops. I see it turn and so I tell them to stay quiet and get down and they see it too.
We try staying quiet while trying to figure out where we should go. We finally just started to run and we just kept running trying to get away from the terrifying creature. We somehow ended up in the backyard of my house but we could hear the siren sound getting closer and closer to us. We ran to the back door of my house screaming as we heard the beating of the loud creature stomping not far behind us. We start banging on the back door as loud as we can and we see my family coming towards the door as the anticipation builds inside our curdling blood.
I wake up filled with fear,my face full of tears, and my body covered in sweat. The feeling of not wanting to sleep keeps me up for at least another hour. I don't want to experience that any longer and going to sleep will catch me off guard again. Finally I get tired and calm down again, I close my eyes and sleep through the night with no sign of any dream. The next morning I woke up thinking about how scared this dream made me feel. It's still hard going to sleep but I know if it happens again that i'll be okay.
Breanna Geldner
9th grade