76th Resolution

First, we need to heartily thank our host institution, Virginia Commonwealth University:

To Andrew Alwood for his tireless efforts to organize the venue and delicious food, the Dean’s Office of the Humanities and Sciences College for funding (& peers!) as well as the Department of Philosophy and its Chair, Tony Ellis, for all their help.

Second, to Nathaniel Goldberg, our wonderful President and organizer of not just one, but two VPA meetings. His capable organization and unfailing friendliness are enormously appreciated.

Third, with apologies to past Secretaries of the VPA and indeed, to all of you here, and with tongue firmly in check

Whereas-

We are in the midst of a cultural meltdown, with worries of political correctness, micro- aggressions, and the general degeneration of American society; and

Whereas-

The VPA is a hallowed, prestigious, institution with the potential to become a great positive force for good; it fell upon those of us gathered here these past two days, as the guardians of the moral and intellectual high ground, to focus (with light-sabre intensity) our considerable collective wisdom on the restoration of the proper pursuit of pure, unsullied, Truth (with a capital ‘T’), unhampered by the distractions of low bodily desires and vulgar pop-culture.

Therefore, I propose the following resolution of gratitude to our speakers for maintaining and promoting these noble standards:

To Keynote Speaker Elizabeth Radcliffe: for her reasonable explanation of how our Passions may, after all, provide morally necessary self-regulation.

To Sheldon Wein: for his erudite attempt to provide a definition of that supremely important foundation of a properly moral society: Religion (though we wonder why he bother to worry about satisfying Brights, who are going to Hell anyway).

To Banquet Speaker Marc Hight: for his proper contempt regarding the claim of Star Wars to be science fiction; and for convincing us that it is instead mere vulgar space opera (though we cannot, consistently with our above-stated mission concur with his recommendation to “enjoy the heck out of it” anyway).

To Sean Meseroll: for showing us the correct path to happiness → we must reject the mere psychic affirmation of happiness—(after all, as philosophers we ought to realize that only virtuous action leads to happiness)—though we do find Sean’s own formulation of this view “happiness is pleasure” a rather curious way to put it.

To Jeremy Dawson: for reminding us of the important moral truth: that photographs are not literally transparent. In honor of his great achievement and with a nod to that intellectual paragon of virtue, [rapper and songwriter] Iggy Azalea; we present this verse:

First things first, Jeremy is the realest

He knocked that theory down, though he was given a lesson in physics.

He’s so fancy.

To the supererogatory Nora Grigore: for her enlightening discourse on the difficulty of accounting for supererogation. (Though we must admit, she refused to even attempt a solution).

To Dimitria Gatzia, for encouraging us to “Just say no” to cognitive penetration, no matter how erogatory it might seem to some theories of belief formation.

To Jake Earl, who reminded us that though some people might find procreation erogatory, nevertheless we have no good reason to create happy people, though of course, once having begun procreation, it may be very erogatory to finish.

And in closing:

Once upon a midday dreary, after we’d pondered, weak and weary, having absorbed too much philosophical lore—Will this resolution even end so we can tip-tap out the door? Should we start a revolution? How to end this resolution?—

           (Quoth our Nora, No solution!)

This is it and nothing more.