My Testimony From Religion To Freedom in Christ

Testimony of my life: Both good and bad.

Please ignore all spelling and punctuation errors. My hands were paralyzed. I rely on voice recognition software that is not very accurate. I

My parents have been married for over 40 years . I have three sisters (No my Dad never did get that boy he wanted.) I was born in April of 1979. I grew up in a small town called Moweaqua Illinois. Most of my childhood I have very happy memories. What I really want to talk about is all the rest. My mom raised us in a United Pentecostal church. The people were very friendly and made you feel loved. There were some problems though, I will get to that in a little bit. Growing up, my dad was involved with the Aryan nations (He no longer is.) It made it tough at times when you want to please God and your parents, but your parents are teaching opposite doctrines/ moral values. I once had a guy ask me “how did they ever get together?” Basically, my dad started going (temporarily) to a UPC church that he had been invited to. My mom met him and assumed he had been saved. They started dating and got married within 4 months of meeting one another. Afterwards he got involved with the Aryan nations and stopped going to church.

When I was five I repented of my sins and asked my parents to baptize me. They got out the bible and baptized me in Jesus name. Afterwards my mom began to tell me to make the salvation complete and I needed to be filled with the Holy Spirit. I was 5, so what does a 5 year old know about that? I noticed my mom in prayer speaking a different language. I also observed people doing this at church. When they did it I could usually feel God very strong. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be filled with the spirit, so that I too could be saved. I finally started to think it would never happen. I had asked for it, but not spoken in tongues myself. When I was 12 I went to church camp while I was there I went to the alter and I remember raising my hands and I (for the first time) began to speak in another language. It was the most incredible feeling I had ever experienced.

When I was about 12 or 13 I went through a horrible time in my life. I had always been taught by my mom that if you lie that you will go to the lake of fire, because the bible says that all liars will have their part in the lake of fire. I’ll give an example of what kind of things began to happen. Let’s say I was talking to you and afterwards I began to think, “Did I tell them exactly word for word how it happened?” I know now that I was telling the truth to the best of my ability, but my fear of hell overwhelmed me so much that I began to fear that I wasn’t telling people things exactly word for word how it happened and the guilt and fear tormented me day and night. I began to obsessively repent of any sins, because I did not want to lose my soul. I had always been taught by my mom that I could not wear pants, because the bible says not to put on that pertainth to a woman and a woman not to put on that which pertainth to a man. She taught me that pants were man’s attire. (I know now that we are not under any part of the old covenant law and that was under the law.) I was also taught that I was to wear no makeup or jewelry. I don’t remember the scripture they used against jewelry, but the one they used against makeup was that Jezabel painted her face and she was a wicked woman. (I know now Abraham is the father of the New Covenant and he sent Jewelry to give his future daughter in law, Rebecca. I also know that Jezabel painted her face to hide from the presence of God by invoking the power of her God Baal. It was probably a tribal print (I don’t think she was trying to look pretty for the man of God.) This combination of guilt, shame, feeling like I could do nothing (not even being able to dance, because it’s too sexual she would tell me) was an over powering feeling of suffocation. Not to mention the fact that my dad believed we were under The Old Covenant Law and could have no pork and believed the end was near. He had so much survival stuff packed in our closet. It was a doctrine of fear. We ended up moving from the country into town. I met the next door neighbors and hung out with them. I eventually began listening to the hard rock that they did. I met my neighbors' best friend who I fell head over heels in love with. More than anyone should love any person other than God. I remember the exact day I decided to give up and walk away from it all. I was sitting on the couch and I remember the guy I was in love with was holding my hand. I began to think “Maybe if I just go out in the world and start seeing him, I can get back in church before the rapture. I can stop obsessively repenting.” I got up and felt like a weight (a religious weight that is) had been lifted off my shoulders. I grabbed one of his cigarettes, took a long drag and spiraled into the world of rebellion against my parents, God and the church. From that moment on, it was “I will do whatever I couldn’t do before” mindset. I was my mom’s worst nightmare. I experimented over the years with sex, drugs and alcohol. On my 14th birthday I spent in jail for getting in a fight. I ran away from home three times. On one occasion I was almost raped and managed to get shot at. You would think that would have woken me up. I had gone from feeling this great sense of freedom and relief to being in misery. The guy I cared so much about had broken my heart. The drugs, alcohol and sex could not satisfy the empty void where I had in the past been happy and had peace. How could I have God in my life and not be suffocated by religion? At the time it escaped me. I worked as a waitress and bus girl/cook. You name it and I did it. I saved enough for a car. I was counting down the months until I turned 16. Around this time I had enough to buy a car. I decided to go to a nearby town called Taylorville IL with my cousin, Jeremy. Jeremy was driving since I had not turned 16 yet. On the way home we were eating Taco Bell and I began to choke badly on a nacho chip for about 5 minutes. I felt like I was getting no air. Jeremy decided to cut across a country road to get help, so I could get something to drink. It finally got lodged where I could breath. About that time I undid my seatbelt to lay down, because I was nauseous from choking so hard. I had a cigarette cough and when I coughed he thought I was choking and looked down. About that time we hit a drop off in the road and got flipped in the cornfield. I remember going from the back to the front over and over again until finally I took out the back window windshield. I was thrown and landed in the soft mud. I instantly lost feeling in parts of my body. I thought, “How can I be paralyzed? I thought you had to be born paralyzed.” About that time, I looked and the car rolled on me upside down. Jeremy was seat belted upside down in the car. He couldn’t get me help. It’s weird when you’re dying. You just know you are. I finally couldn’t keep my eyes open, something told me if you close them, you will never open them. I told God “If you let me live, I will do whatever you want.” I then asked him “Will you get this car off of me?” The car instantly rolled off. Jeremy was able to undo his seatbelt and get out to get help. I had sinus arrest and later on cardiac arrest. They managed to bring me back. I was hooked up to machines that kept me alive. I was in there for about 2 months and then I was in Chicago rehabilitation center for about a month. My aunt brought over some teaching tapes on end time when I got out. This time it wasn’t scary. It was really inspiring and refreshing to know I didn’t have to fear the last day events, because Jesus came back when he said he would in that generation 70 A.D. I listened to these tapes on preterism for about two years. The only problem was this particular preacher also taught hard against everything my mom had taught me was wrong and right growing up. I started going to a preterist believing church. I eventually became a full preterist. One day I read the scripture “Without the law, there is no sin.” Two other ones hit me hard “Sin is lawlessness” and “Sin is not counted where there is no law.” That led me to a man named Paul White who preached on grace. I began to realize we are not under the age of law keeping, we are under grace. There was no sin where there was no law. Sin is breaking the law. This was so freeing to me. If I made a mistake, I knew God didn’t want me to do I could just keep on going with no guilt and just do my best not to do the same mistake. Even though my sins were not being counted against me, I have known in my heart when God does not want me to do something or go somewhere. I finally had God without fear or rules and regulations that I was not able to keep. I finally had peace when I went to bed at night. I know some preterists believe that the holy spirit is not for us today. They usually use the scripture that talks about “When that which is perfect has come that which is in part shall be done away with. It names tongues. I read that chapter and it seemed to me that it was talking about coming to the perfected man in God, not Jesus coming. It doesn’t make sense that God would give us the Holy Spirit at Pentecost and then once he establishes grace, take away his presence (Holy Spirit) which is what brings us back to life spiritually speaking away. I am not saying you have to speak in tongues to have the spirit. I think if you ask God, he will give it to you. I don’t repent or teach it, because once again without the law there is no sin. I don’t teach that you have to be baptized for the same reason. If there’s no sin to wash away, why get baptized? Then God let me know that baptism now is more symbolic of death, burial and resurrection life. If you ask me what saves a person, I would have to answer “Faith in Jesus Christ.” When you believe in Jesus you are eating from the tree of life which is Christ. It was not believing god over Satan that in the very day they ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil that they would surely die that caused them too loose the holy spirit. If you believe on Christ then I would assume that the holy spirit would enter you. Especially in light of the fact that unbelief caused them to lose it and fall. Just my thoughts.