“And above all things have fervent love among yourselves: 

for love shall cover a multitude of sins.”

1 Peter 4:8

Why is Forgiveness So Hard?

Forgiveness initially seems like it is heaping coals on your own head. But in fact, forgiveness is just the opposite. For many, forgivenss feels like it is making the wrong done to you “OK” somehow. But the wrong is not ok. But the wrong isn't between you and the wrong-doer. The wrong is between the them and the Almight Creator himself. That's right. All sin is against Our Creator. You are just the injured third party. 

Why is Forgiveness So Important?

God commands us to forgive, so that we can also may be forgiven of our sins, forgiven by God himself, through Christ Jesus. Not forgiving others is a sin against God. In the Lord's prayer, where Jesus specifically taught us to pray daily, we are told that if we do not forgive, we will not be forgiven. By unforgiveness, we are hurting God's children, Him, or ourselves. Any way you flip it- unforgiveness is against God, and is a sin. 

If we don’t forgive, we are not forgiven. If we are not forgiven, we are as filthy rags and not worthy of walking with God. We also cannot have God’s protection (armor of God) and God can turn His face from us so we are exposed for the enemy to do whatever he wants to destroy us further. God simply can't hear your prayers if you have unforgiveness in your heart or unrepentant sin. Read Isaiah Chapter 1. You must fix your heart first, then you may come back and pray and petition, with thanksgiving, to God.

What If I Can’t Forgive? 

You may have thought "I can’t forgive [insert name here] because if I do, then I am saying their behavior is ‘OK’ now." Forgiving others does not mean that what they did is OK.  In fact, that person may be dead and gone. It doesn’t matter. 

Doing the Hard Thing 

Which is actually harder to do: Exact revenge against the wrong-doer or give it over to God and walk away? Think about it. I think it is harder to let someone else -even God- take out the revenge and just walk away not ever knowing what their punishment was or if they were even punished? If you take revenge yourself, you can feel righteous in exacting punishment like a god yourself. But God says, "Revenge is mine." Do you really want to sin against God? You don't know the wrong-doer's own heart like God does. Therefore, the likelihood is extremely high that you revenge will be unfair and unjust, and therefore unrighteous. And the feeling of justification that revenge may give you, is fleeting. Because the unforgiveness continues to eat you up inside. Let is go. I promise it is best. And I promise that God will avenge you, in the most just way. 

When others hurt you, it can be painful. And now, to add insult to injury, you must forgive them! I don't sugarcoat it: forgiveness is really hard. It is often a bitter pill, and the person that is hurt is the one who must forgive, not the one who hurt you- because nobody else usually even remembers!

My dad didn’t want to forgive his own father. My dad said forgiving his dad is taking the “easy way out.” So, I asked him: “Which is harder to do: take revenge, and keep hating the man? Be self-righteous and disgusted that he rejected you?  Or forgive him?” My dad had no response. He knew it would be more difficult to forgive than to continue hating his own father. My dad seemed stunned at the revelation. Praise God. 

"Thy Word is a Lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." Psalm of David. Jesus was lighting the way for me back to the REDEMPTION that I so desperately sought. Forgiving others is a HUGE step on the way back to restoration, and redemption, and healing, inside and out. 

How to Forgive: My Personal Path to Forgiveness

Hunter Miley had watch Christian movies. Hunter knew what it felt like to feel abandoned, rejected, and depressed. Hunter also knew that those thoughts were the enemy and the forgiveness was a critical aspect in finding the redemption I so desperately sought. 

One of the movies Hunter had me watch was The Shack. It was a movie (and book) I had avoided since it came out. It was a father’s story of redemption after he lost his youngest daughter.  Just a few days later, after this forgiveness, I was no longer homeless. 

“The Shack” is a good one to read or watch for help with forgiveness if you still can't. Years before, my sweet mother in law told me to watch “The Shack” but I couldn’t at the time as anything that had death (even Bambi) was too hard for me. I was raw. I had a new baby, and was keenly feeling the loss of my own mother as I struggled to figure out how to be the mother I always wanted and imagined. And my husband had no comfort for me. And neither did my extended family. 

Talk to God. Ask for Help in Forgiving Yourself: No more guilt. No more shame. No more regrets.

My guilt and regrets have been the most shame I could ever (not) bare. No, I couldn't bare it alone. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that God does not give us more than we can handle. In fact, He does give us more than we can handle- so that we have no where to turn but to Him, Our Father Himself. It is only through God that we are able to bear the loads of this life. He must hand the loads over to Him. And must not keep them for ourselves. We will drown in our misery if we hold onto these loads that we were never meant to bear. 

I could not save my child from the toxic neglect. I was unable as my body was shut down and disabled. My finances had dried up to nothing. I couldn’t even take care of myself. The guilt for passively allowing my son to be in a toxic environment, because that was better than living in a car with me, was all-consuming and overwhelming. I had a giant hole in my heart. I was consumed with guilt. I could not bare the pain. 

What to Do if the Battle is Raging and You Must Urgently Win? 

I finally gave God no rest until he answered my prayer. Just like the parable of the persistent widow who begged the judge for relief every day and finally received it. I did the same. My prayer was simply to take away the over-whelming guilt and pain so that I could continue on my spiritual journey. I was stuck in this place of sorrow and could not get out. I called out to God 24/7 with every waking moment until He removed the pain and guilt. It took 3 full days of being on my knees or face to the ground begging that Jesus take my burdens. I kept picturing my children placed at Jesus's feet. I wept bitterly, but trusted that this would work. Because Jesus said it would work. I trusted the process, even though I didn't know anyone else who had done so. Finally, breakthrough on the 3rd day. I could breathe again. The pain had lifted. I got up and began to rebuild my relationship with God from scratch. Every once in a while that pain comes back. When it does I immediately give it back to God. I immediately go back on my knees and pray He takes my burden, until I am ready to process it in a healthy way. Now the pain is gone in seconds, not days. Once you do it, it is much quicker next time. 

Talk to God. Ask God for Forgiveness of your Sins. 

Ask God for forgiveness for the sins you have done against HIM, yourself, and others.  Name them one by one. Out loud. and ask for forgiveness. Ask God to reveal to you other sins so you can ask for forgiveness for each of those. If God puts it on your heart - don’t ask those you have hurt for their forgiveness, but rather start with apologizing. 

Apologizing for my Part. 

I need to apologize to my family and friends. When I became homeless in April 2020, just weeks after the “10 day” lockdown in CA began, I reached out to everyone I knew. I mostly just texted and asked if ‘I could come stay with you for a while,’ or maybe asked if I ‘could sleep on your couch.’ Most people didn’t respond to me. Some said no because they were concerned I would bring the virus with me and kill their loved ones. Others said yes, but then quickly said no after thinking about it. I tried to rent a room but had little to no money as my private disability insurance decided to stop paying my claim. My cousin, who works with homeless shelters, advised me that Tinkerbell and I are not safe in a homeless shelter. That was my same gut reaction after being hissed at while visiting one nearby. 

For many, I am apologizing to you as I didn’t even tell you that I was homeless when I reached out. I thought it might be too obvious to state, scary to admit, and also scary for you to hear. Plus I didn’t want to make you feel guilty for not being able to shelter me. 

Additional Resources

Avoiding the Trap of Being Offended By Kenneth Hagin Jr.