Chapter 8

Riddle me this. What’s worse than having the pressure of desperately needing a job that I couldn’t do anyway? Or the leg and hip pain that stole my sleep each night? Or the migraines that turned every afternoon into a nauseous blur? Or looking like death[1]warmed over? Or the residual trauma that turned surprise noises into (embarrassing!) blood-curdling jump-screams? Or the disability insurance company denying my long-term disability claim for the 20th time? Or not being able to have any medical insurance because my primary care physician doesn’t accept the free version?

Unfortunately, I discovered that there are worse things. But let me explain my coping process first. Each day in the last 6+ years have brought new, umm… let’s call them challenges (see the preceding paragraph above for a few examples). And each day I woke I would have to find the strength to cry out to God for help, instead of wallowing. Sometimes the disappointment of having yet another challenge would take me days to recover from. I would do my very BEST to take it easy on ME. I would tell myself that if something that normally would take me 5 minutes is going to take me 5 days, that that is OK. I was being tender and loving to me when nobody else was. I was not pushing me when I couldn’t move. I was not admonishing me when I failed again. I was staying positive. I was focusing on God’s promises of restoration and redemption. I was putting all of my woes at HIS feet as fast as they would pop into my brain, again, sometimes I would be doing this for days. I was not punishing myself for being unable to cry. I wrote down a list of my favorite “self-care” activities, and when a bad thing would happen, I would pick a self-care activity from the list and be present with that favorite activity to the best of my ability. All this is what I would call “being positive.” This is when I discovered the antidote to depression in Philippians 4:8: 

“Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, 

whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, 

whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, 

and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

This re-focus on the Almighty would be my coping process. And it worked! I would be so happy at my triumph over that nasty obstacle the enemy tried to trip me up with, which stood between me and my full redemption in Christ! That was my winning coping strategy[2].

I almost hate to say this because it is harsh. But I believe this must be said. So, here is what is so much worse than just battling the enemy himself: Battling the enemy while he uses everyone close to you, including and especially the church, against you. 

So, what is worse? People. Not just family. Not just close friends. Church people. The very same ones who are commanded by God to love me as Jesus loves them. Jesus laid down his life for his friends. I naively expected someone in the church to take me in, and nurse me back to health. Like the Good Samaritan. Instead, here is what I got: Another old friend changing their mind, last minute, about having me stay with them. The therapists who fired me after discovering that I wasn’t an easy fix. The church folk who forgot to gather a special deliverance team for me. My dementia-suffering neighbor dropping his 80’ high, solid oak tree on top of my favorite branch – the one with the bench and tire swings. The church helpers who were overcome by my precarious situation and were preoccupied, ad nauseum, with the inevitable disposition of my collectible worldly possessions[3]. The brother who yelled at them proclaiming he was entitled to first dibs because he was family. Another telling me I don’t look sick. Another (expensive) specialist unable to diagnose my mystery illness. Another church brother telling me I was too needy. My own negative thoughts of condemnation, distrust, hopelessness, exhaustion, inadequacy, anxiety, unbelief, alcohol addiction, ugliness, fatness, pimply, inability, grief, guilt, shame, poverty, regret, weakness, loneliness, frustration, bitterness, and anger. 

After a short time, I would pick myself up after every challenge or disappointment[4], be it from circumstances or from those I knew. I would brush myself off, and show up, again. These same people would ask how I was doing. Again, I naively assumed that they were asking about my health and progress in earnest. And not just making idle conversation. I would present the latest challenge I had overcome in the most positive light possible, with a would-you-believe-what-the-enemy-tried-this-time type of levity.

As for me, God did turn His face from me, because I was full of unrepentant sin. Satan was granted permission to sift me, personally. However, I do not consider the pain I suffered as punishment from God. The pain was a natural consequence of bad decision-making from me and only me: I should have grabbed my Bible and read it all day every day. I should have poured my heart out to God instead of looking for a human to sympathize with me. God would have been revealed to me sooner where I had unrepentant sin. Instead, I stubbornly sought out Christian family and friends to guide me in my journey, because I thought they had the answers. What I didn’t realize that these Christians were just as lost as I was. 

Inevitably, these confidants would say something cutting. I would feel the smile fade from my lips as I protested their remark. Their words stung, and I didn’t want more bitter stalagmites deposited back into my tender heart! I didn’t expect them to say something that would hurt me. Even if they did so every time we spoke.

o   “It’s all in your head.” 

o   “I don’t want to enable you.” 

o   “Think positively.” 

o   “I’ll pray for you.” 

o   “Visit you? But the hospital is 15 miles away.” 

o   “You never did want to work, did you?”  

o   “Bless your heart.” 

o   “You don’t look sick.” 

o   “You need more self-control.”

o   “You aren’t healed because you don’t have faith/believe.” 

o   “Pray about it.”

o   “You are suffering because you refuse to give all your cares to Jesus.” 

o   “You are still struggling with that ?”

o   “You chose this situation, it's your problem, not mine.”

With his hand was over his head he said: “I thought you were up here. But now I see you really are down here." He slid his hand down his side, all while he smirked. I stared in disbelief. But I was in his house, as his guest. I excused myself from the table. I wonder if my cousin knew who she married. 

I couldn’t understand why these souls would recite these alleged truisms, as if they knew the right path, and they knew I wasn’t on it. Yet, when probed, there was never any depth of understanding for application of these trite sayings to remedy my situation. I will repeat that, because THIS part is critical: When probed, there was never any depth of understanding for application of these trite sayings to remedy my situation. If I did probe for help, they would simply switch subjects or express frustration. Their vapid words banished me back to a hopeless world where there was no reviving me. 

Believe me I fought hard against the impending self-banishment. I felt that if I could just make them understand what I was saying and feeling and doing, then I didn’t have to go back home with their negative words still reverberating in my own head. If I could only convince them that I was doing my best, and just needed loving guidance, then perhaps this time I would not spiral into that dark abyss of depression. 

Inevitably, my rebuttals only showed my own lack of emotional intelligence. These folks only wanted to know that I was OK. They did not want to feel obligated to be concerned for me. They preferred to write me successfully off their prayer list. They wanted to know I was handling my life sufficiently and did not need their help. 

When I didn’t respond as they expected, and vice versa, their flippant remarks should have given me my clue. I should have responded with a smile and a nod. And perhaps even apologizing for making them feel uncomfortable. But I believed we were all true Christians. And that true Christians were not shallow. Could they not recite the parable of the Good Samaritan from heart?

My only course of action seemed to be to protect my raw broken heart going forward. I burnt every bridge I could. I pushed everyoneaway.

Looking for a clue on how to reconcile with these old friends or recover or both … any clue…  I re-read The Book of Job—well, mostly. I skipped the long-winded speeches from his clueless friends because, honestly, everything gave me nauseating migraines: reading, talking, television, even thinking too hard. Even so, I did catch a couple key takeaways from Job:

·       Job never got an answer from God as to why he suffered

·       God had Job intercede for and sacrifice for the sins of his not-so-wise friends before restoring everything to Job, double

So, I figured I won’t ask God “Why?” At least for now.[5]

Next, I went asking pastors how I could intercede for my not-so-wise confidants... you know just in case that was also my fast track to restoration. 

Their answer? “Too late. You can’t. Jesus already handled that at the cross.”

Welp. So much for shortcuts. Needless to say, one by one, I lost or pushed away every friend and family member and church friend I had ever known. 

I was angry at the cold and callous rebuffs and platitudes. A deep bitter root had taken hold. And the enemy would use many of the church people to deposit bitter poisons into my heart faster than I could repent and forgive! I was getting deeper into debt. Not just monetarily, but spiritual debt. The number of people I had to forgive grew every single day faster than I could take the time to forgive. I was getting to a point where I couldn't even pay the interest on my spiritual debt. 

“And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: 

for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish,
and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. 

And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: 

for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, 

and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.”

Matthew 5:29-30

It took me several years to learn my lessons: stop going to a fellowship or confiding in Christians who didn't build me up.  

I learned that I could not be in spiritual debt and get God’s Blessings at the same time. God’s Blessings include God’s healings, God’s abundance, God’s favor, and alignment with God’s will and plans for your life. When you get right with God, you are aligned with God and in a place to get all the God has for you and your life. It is THE reason to get right with God, asap.

It seemed truly counterintuitive to me to avoid any fellowship, but that was the only way I could see to avoid getting into more spiritual debt. Like the national debt, the interest alone was too much to bear. I had to completely stop incurring debt. 

Maybe I am wiser now. I still believe the vast majority of those who recited these cliches will, again, take care of #1 when the trials of life get too thorny, or their truth gets too real. Frankly, I don’t want these people close enough to hurt me again. Unless they have had a ‘come to Jesus’ meeting with me, I still see them as vapid vessels of hollow promises of friendship and love. If they can’t be there for the bad times, they don’t deserve[6] me in the good times. 

Once I burned the bridges, or otherwise stopped the bleeding, I was able to begin repenting and forgiving, and healing.

[1] My ex-husband told me years later that my face was grey when I dropped off our son. 

[2] My coping strategy has improved as described in the next section of the book. And was developed only by staying far away from “church” people. I said what I said. 

[3] I had a B&B for a bit that I could not keep clean or maintain myself. In order to rent out the house again, I was forced to liquidate all my things. Even for the things I insisted to keep these helpers kept asking for. I would finally let those things go. Those things clearly meant more to them, and if that is what it took to get them out of my life, it was actually worth it. 

[4] After each triumph, I would emerge again, but I would still be raw, and battle fatigued. I refused to be confined a day longer than absolutely necessary. I knew fresh air and bringing joy to others was going to sustain me. I wasn’t wrong. Most people loved my kind, effervescent, and empathetic energy. OK, who am I kidding? It wasn’t me. They love Tinkerbell! She casts her pixie dust everywhere she goes. She is a bundle of sweetness and fun, all while looking like the most adorable puppy on the planet. There is nothing like the joy she brings! So, I would emerge and try again. To new friends, I would introduce myself by admitting ahead of time “I’m not fit for public consumption.” Smh. 

[5] A few years later, partially restored—still disabled and impoverished, but back in my dream home with my son David—I found myself face-down on the kitchen floor, sobbing. That’s when I finally felt I could ask God: “Why?” God answered me instantly: “Because things in this world will get more intense and difficult—but for you, it’ll be a cakewalk.” I sat up, stunned. Cakewalk?Immediately, I flashed back to the church picnics with Grandma. Sweet, silly cakewalks filled with musical chairs, laughter, and guaranteed dessert. I won an angel food cake with chocolate frosting. I remembered its sweet taste and my joy at winning one of my very own. I knew that only God could have given me such a perfect answer to my question. Not my own mind. I chuckled slightly because I’d never use the word "cakewalk" to describe surviving the Great Tribulation. In that moment, my heart flooded with awe, joy, and loving peace. I couldn’t believe I even got an answer—Job didn’t, and he was blameless! But God met me right where I was… kitchen floor and all. Just wow. God is so good. Even my worst sins are worked together for good:  “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28.

[6] Oof. What a horrible miserable person I can be without Jesus. I hope my heart is gentler than that if we ever cross paths again.