Chapter 7

Summer 1987

I (thought that I) gave my life to Jesus at Hume Lake Summer Camp. I prayed the Sinner’s Prayer[1] and felt the Holy Spirit light me up from head to toe. First time I ever felt God-tingles. Unforgettable. 

Then came the altar call—everyone who just accepted Jesus was asked to come up for prayer. But me? I froze. As a teen, I was painfully self-conscious—public attention was my nightmare. I was convinced the camp leaders might spotlight the new believers like we’d just won a game show. So…I stayed in my seat. No raised hand, no altar call, no extra prayer. My first public denial of Jesus. To this day, every time I hear that sermon about Peter saying he’d die for Jesus—then, right away, denying Him three times— I think of that first night. I didn’t even make it a minute after inviting Jesus into my heart before I denied Him. Oof. Still stings.

Meanwhile, I watched other new Christians go all in. They made radical changes— ditching anything that wasn’t godly. One guy chucked all his heavy metal tapes[2] and band tees- like they were cursed. I remember thinking, really? Isn’t that a bit much? But the truth is, I was the one who didn’t get it. Not even close. smh. For the first 35 years of my Christian walk, I thought, ‘If it’s not really hurting anyone, what’s the big deal?’ I didn’t realize then that sin—any sin—is spiritual poison. I didn’t understand I was supposed to dodge sin like my life depended on it… because it did. I didn’t see how music, movies, even clothes could crack open the door to the enemy to corrupt my thoughts and my life! I was just living like most Christians around me—saying the right things, doing the wrong ones. Living like hypocrisy, but in a Sunday smile. 

Exactly like my first day of becoming a worldly Christian, I believe saying “no” to God has kept me from walking in the life He had planned for me from the beginning. “I know the plans that I have for you. Plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11. I simply didn’t comprehend that God had a grand plan for my life. A wonderful plan. Because God knows you! Of course, because He made you! And He made you to be exactly who you are. And how you are. Your talents. Your brain. Your attitude. Your personality. Your heart. Your desires. I’ll say it another way - for those in the back - His plans[3] for you are much better than yours because He created those plans specifically for you!  

Before God set me straight over the last several years, I was the lamb that had gone astray[4]. Have you heard Jesus’ parable of the sheep and the goats? The goats thought they were heaven-bound —but Jesus said, “I never knew you.” Yikes. So, who were thosegoats He turned away? Spoiler alert: one of them was me. 

“My sheep hear My voice, I know them, and they follow Me.”

John 10:27

I didn’t hear Jesus’ voice. I wasn’t listening. I wasn’t seeking. And worse, I was actively ignoring Him. I figured I was good enough — I went to church, taught Sunday school, and checked all the boxes. I thought I was a Christian. 

Meanwhile, I couldn’t wrap my head around how those goats thought they were Christians—but actually weren’t. So, I chalked it up as “one of those God mysteries” and moved on. Honestly, I never even stopped to wonder if I could be a goat. 

But I was a big, fat goat. Literally. I didn’t give to beggars (didn’t want to “enable” them), didn’t visit the sick (germs, no thanks), and prison ministry? Hard pass. When I did give to a stranger, it was usually something I wouldn’t eat or wear myself. Generous… ish. I didn’t really know Jesus… and He didn’t know me. That’s real. That’s humbling. 

My dad called me a ‘Bible-thumper.’ I took it as a compliment. Facepalm. Funny thing—yes, I went to church every Sunday, but my dad? -  He (almost) never stepped foot in one. Professor A, as he was known to his students, taught computers in Watts, aka, downtown L.A. dad didn’t talk much about Jesus… but he loved exactly like Him. Over the years, dad brought many of his students home to Simi Valley, where he mentored them, hired them as teaching assistants, fed them, and treated them with dignity and kindness. No pews, no sermons—just quiet, steady grace. He loved them as Jesus would.  And they loved my dad. 

[1] The Sinner’s Prayer is a simple yet powerful way to turn your way towards God— asking forgiveness, repenting, and declaring faith in Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection. It’s a prayer of surrender and salvation, spoken to God the Father, in Jesus’ name:

“Father, I know I’m a sinner and can’t save myself by being ‘good.’ I believe Your Word is true.  I believe Jesus died for my sins and rose again. By faith, I receive Your gift of salvation through your son, Jesus. Thank You for eternal life. Holy Spirit, Jesus, Father, come into my heart to live. In Jesus’ name, Amen.” Say it out loud because “For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.” Romans 10:9-10.

[2] nod to Oates.

[3] My “best life” looks way different now that I’ve fully surrendered to Christ. I’m not the one calling the shots anymore—He is. And there’s so much freedom in not being in charge. It’s like being a kid again—no stressing about bills, meals, or tomorrow. Just peace. God-sized peace. 

[4] I was the “1” he came after, with “99” safely in His fold. “If a man have a hundred sheep and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains and seeketh that which is gone astray?” Matthew 18:12.