Chapter 9

Alright, if you’re reading this—brace yourself. God already picked you. No joke. And He’s not going anywhere. He knows what’s best for you and wants you dialed into His plan.  But first I need to finish telling you about my testimony for these reasons: 

-       so that you don’t remain stubborn to try to control your own life as I did, and 

-       because you can screw up royally and can still come (back) to the fold.  

God will always want you back. There is more joy in heaven when a prodigal comes back than the rest who are already there. Plus, God specializes in fixing up the broken as even better than new! I’m going to be real with you. I confess; it took me 35 years to finally make Jesus both my savior and the LORD of my life. This story is how God taught me to rely solely on Him. This is my story on how I came into the fold. I had no other choice. I tried everything else. And I had to heal.

I was disappointed in being utterly unable to figure my way out of this conundrum- too sick to work, too poor to hire help, and too stubborn to die. In the past, I had always been able to figure something out. But this time was different. Much different. I just wanted the answer. Something, anything to get me out of this fire. And still, every day I begged God, “Just teach me what I need to learn so I can move on!” Instead, I spiraled into frustration as I even envied Job because he at least had a wife[1] at his side through his trials. 

Honestly? I would have given up, but there was one thing keeping me going: my kids. My oldest was aloof but a self-sufficient, professing Christian. Thank goodness. It was my youngest, Son2, who walked away from God and was not thriving. Losing weight, not sleeping, not on track to graduate high school, and not talking, all while living hours away with my ex and his fiancée. 

I asked Son2 to come live with me, but he wanted to be near his friends. I offered to move to his school district so he could be with his friends, but was warned by both of my sons, with thinly veiled threats that there would be war with their future stepmother if I did. I was not able to take on yet another drama-filled, claws-out battle. 

I had to heal. Not for me. For my sons. They needed me. 

But, before I could start healing, I needed to bind and stitch up the giant gash in my chest. The guilt for moving my son to a toxic environment because I couldn’t care for him was all-consuming and overwhelming. It didn’t help that I was physically weak, with no money, and homeless. I couldn’t even think with that giant gaping raw hole in my heart. And I had to think clearly to get myself out of this chasm. 

I enjoy watching Troy Black YouTube videos. Troy Black interviewed Stacy Just on her new book. I bought and read her book “From Self-Destructive to Healed!” Like King David when Bathsheba’s first son lay dying and like the parable of the persistent widow, Stacy encouraged me to “KEEP PRAYING: ANNOY GOD IF YOU MUST!  Do not stop praying until you received your answer.”  

I gave God no rest until he answered my prayer. My prayer was simply to take away the over-whelming guilt and pain so that I could continue on my spiritual journey. I was wallowing in sorrow and could not get out. 

I called out to God 24/7 with every waking moment for 3 days and 3 nights. Finally, He removed the pain and the guilt. 

The pain and the guilt sometimes creep back in when I think about it. But I immediately give it back to God, set Son2 at His feet, and pray He takes it until I am ready to process those feelings in a healthy way.

I was so grateful that God had lifted the pain from my chest. I could breathe. I could smile through my tears. And best yet, I could think. 

Now, I had to figure out how to get healed by God.

To begin, I approached this problem of ‘how to get healed’ just like a thermodynamics[2]problem. I started with what was given, aka, what I knew to be true. I knew that God was real. That He was listening to me. That He speaks to me through His Word. That He loves me. I had hope, from that SFO prophecy. I had over 30 years of grit, persevering, and over-achieving in both academia and corporate life. I knew that the prayers of the righteous avail much. I knew I was saved and going to heaven as of the time I became a Christian. I knew that some are only healed by prayer and fasting. I knew many had been healed, although it was rare. 

I knew that someone out there must know how to get healed. 

I had to wade through all the noise, books, YouTube videos, study guides, commentary, pastors’ advice, etc. to find the path to God. I wondered how many years it would take me. I wondered if many of the other homeless had begun their wretched journey via similar debilitating ailments, physical or mental. Without a supportive spouse, or parent, or loved one, I could now understand how homeless end up homeless and stay homeless. 

Ok. Ready for a news flash? Many of those trite sayings I heard from everyone were actually based in truth! But these people truly had no idea how to implement their truisms, or how to provide loving guidance to me, so that I might follow to the path to a recovery and, in turn, teach others. So, God has been teaching me these truths[3]. Bit by bit. Because these lessons are so difficult to implement, learn, or even discover, this is probably the reason God is having me write this book. That and my desire to turn lemons into refreshing lemonade. God took my bitter disappointment and deep vexation with these cliches and turned it all into good. Because that is what our Father does. 

So, what was the path to healing? I can tell you this: it was not in sincerity in trying to recover nor was it in my willingness to do anything I can do to recover. Let’s recap my path to healing:

1.   I had to make sure that Jesus was my savior. 

2.   I had to stop the sinning, so God could hear my prayers. 

3.    I had to stop the ennotional pain (using prayers), so I could think.

4.     I had to admit I was helpless without His guidance[4].

5.  I had to surrender my life, my will, my decisions, completely. Which means letting Jesus Christ, the Son of the Living God[5], be the LORD of your life. But here’s the deal: surrender quickly. each time. Trust me, it’s way easier than the alternative. Don’t be like me.

Making Jesus as Lord of my life means that I don’t do anything without asking Him first. This entails giving Him all your worries, stress, guilt, fear, food, clothing, shelter, money, loved ones, safety, enemies, etc. You must bring these things to His feet. Leave them there at His feet, and just trust He knows what to do with it. I will go into much more depth of how I actually surrendered, daily, in later chapters. Also, we can practice together through the website because we must work out our salvation[6].

In order to surrender, you need to know who God is. There are many facets to God and many ways to learn about Him. I will cover them all in the upcoming chapters[7]. But for now, you can start by asking God to show you what you need to do or change for Him. Keep asking until He answers you. Remember, persistence works! 

Here are some fun facts about having a relationship with God, also known as “Walking with God.” 

§  You can ask God to confirm what He is telling you, so you are sure of His will. 

§  You can also negotiate[8] with God if you don’t like what He is telling you. 

§  BUT you cannot refuse to do His will, or at least you refuse to your detriment[9]. 

 As you can probably surmise, I am not a finished product, not by a long shot. I am on a journey. I am in training for a race I intend to finish good and faithfully. I am believing God for the impossible - his promise of full redemption of everything I had lost, including my youngest son, and maybe even a husband. The redemption promises and hope from God is the steel I needed in my backbone. 

I will never resign to just “accept my disabled, impoverished fate.” My mind is not renewed every day automatically. I work at it. I will work at it until it becomes second nature. Because I know it will. It’s a process. And I will continue to pray blessings for my enemies. And I will continue to seek His kingdom first. And I will keep praying that my heart softens. Every day. Because I know it will. Our God is faithful. Our God won’t let go of me or you or any of His children. 

And it’s OK that it takes me a really long time to figure things out. I am starting to understand that God made me exactly who I am, on purpose. I can love myself, even if I am a lawyer. God can still use me. He is using me now. God has asked me to finish[10] this book before He will release my blessings, and I finally am obedient instead of stubborn. 

I am passionate about helping those in a similar seemingly hopeless condition, or better yet, to avoid getting there in the first place. Even though modern Christian practices (and trite cliches) contain divine truths, they themselves are not the complete story. With this book, I am attempting to fill in those gaps, so that other suffering Christians can find their healing peace.

[1] At least I had my beautiful, sweet dog. A gift from above. And Tinkerbell is better than a nagging wife every day of the week. I thank God for her, and for the roof over our head every single day.    

[2] Thermodynamics was by far the most difficult engineering class I took. I studied 3 hours a day, every day. I shared the 2ndhighest grade in the class, C+, with my study partner.

[3] I will tell you how those sayings are based in truth in the later chapters for each critical principle, or truth, God taught me.

[4] I admitted I didn’t know what I was doing. At least until I know Him better and know what His will is.

[5] Matthew 16:16.

[6] “Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.” Philippians 2:12.

[7] Before I can do HIS will, I need to know God. I need to hear from Him, I need ears to hear. And I need to communicate back. THIS is a process. It is a tried-and-true process. As I say in the next section, ‘Trusting the Process’ because it has worked for millions of others. It is working for me. It will work for you if you faithfully follow Him.

[8] I think of Abraham negotiating with God regarding the destruction of town in which his nephew, Lot, resided.

[9] Jonah refused to go to Nineveh. Jonah ended up in the belly of big fish for 3 days and 3 nights before he finally agreed.

[10] In April 2025, I had secured 2 separate good-paying, part-time jobs. But God had other plans. Both fell through so that I could finish this book and learn to trust that HE will provide the food, shelter, and love needed to sustain. All glory to God. Hallelujah!